So, I’m finally getting around to posting a recap of Revengers Tragedy, the most crazyface film ever – at Real Job, no less! They’ll love this one when it goes through the IT filter.

SPOILER WARNING: I will not be cutting for spoilers. This was written in the 17th century. You’ve had plenty of time.

“He who seeks revenge should dig two graves.”

We begin with Vindici, the incomparable Christopher Eccleston, riding into town on a bus full of corpses. I have given up trying to understand what this means; they seem freshly dead, and Eccleston seems awfully blase about it, but as he had no reason to cap a busload of strangers I don’t really feel like he did it. I eventually had to check out of that opening scene because I felt like it was from Twin Peaks and put in by accident. It’s an awesome image, however.

Vindici hops lightly off the bus and stalks for the center of town, buzzing his hair absently with an elecric razor. Aspiring actors everywhere scrabble for the fallen locks, hoping to create a small altar that will bring them talent.

Moments later, he effortlessly beats the shit out of some young thugs who try to jump him. Do not fuck with Eccleston, people. He’s thin, but he’s wiry. The man means business.

After a little of the old ultraviolence, he meanders over to the catacombs and plucks his dead wife’s skull from a niche in the wall. It does not bear thinking about that he hasn’t been back for ten years, which means he jammed a whole head in there before he left town, so we won’t think about it. He murmurs sweet nothings to it before pointing it at the camera and telling us with gut-wrenching melancholy that she was poisoned by the villainous Duke who rules the city with an iron fist. He’s returned after ten years to poison the Duke right back, in the world’s most high-stakes game of He Started It.

This all takes place in the first five minutes of the movie, and is the most succinct way to explain what the rest of the movie will be like:

* Lots of dead people
* Dystopian near-future
* Do Not Fuck With Christopher Eccleston.

Seriously. Just don’t.

Eddie Izzard now makes his appearance, crammed into the backseat of the family limo with his four brothers. Don’t worry about keeping them straight; they’ll disappear once by one over the course of the movie, and with names like Supervacuo and Ambitioso, the characterization is already taken care of.

Eddie (Lussurioso – Eddie, you dog!) is in the market for a pimp, and Vindici in the market for a position at court to get close to the Duke. It’s like a romantic comedy, except that Vindici is relentlessly bloodthirsty and Eddie looks like he’s having a blast at Actor Camp. I love him, don’t get me wrong, but to put him opposite Eccleston is just cruel.

Also cruel? He employs Vindici to seduce the performer Castiza – Vindici’s little sister! It’s like an episode of Three’s Company! Those wacky Jacobeans.

Hilariously, Vindici feels bound by his pledge, and he marches right over to the old house, breaks into it, and tries to seduce his own sister. That is a team player, right there. She slaps the crap out of him and tells him to fuck off. Almost instantly, she recognizes him as her brother (probably because he didn’t stab her for slapping him like the rest of Eddie’s thugs would have), and there’s one of those brother/sister reunions where time apart has sort of messed with the dynamic. You know the one; in the flashback he saves her from the poison that takes his wife, which is sweet, and in the modern day there’s hugging and heavy breathing and intense, prolonged eye contact. This might just be the Eccleston Factor, but since she dresses up later like his dead wife, I call bullshit.

Vindici decides that Lussurioso also has to die, because he’s a total degenerate, and so Eccleston begins an amazing campaign of false friendship and counsel that is absolutely stunning to watch. His revenge against the Duke culminates when he procures a woman for the Duke’s lust (Castiza, dressed up like Vindici’s dead wife, which isn’t creepy AT ALL) and instead gives the tweaked-out Duke his wife’s poisoned skull to kiss.

Do Not Fuck With Eccleston. I was serious.

With the Duke gone, it’s Eddie for the win, and Lussurioso gleefully takes his place as the new Duke, commanding Castiza to be brought in to celebrate the occasion. In one of my favorite moments in the movie, Vindici watches Lussurioso walk off, surrounded by toadies, and then turns his gaze to the Duke’s corpse; you can see Vindici blaming both the Duke and himself for letting a hedonist come to power.

At the celebratory party, Castiza calls for a volunteer for her knife-throwing act; like a moron, Eddie volunteers. Castiza is more than willing to throw a ginzu right into Eddie’s aorta, but before she can, the lights are cut, and Vindici does the stabtacular honors himself.

Twice. (See above re: Do Not Fuck With Eccleston.)

The rest of the brothers take care of each other within two minutes, which is hysterical, and leaves local politician Antonio to take over leadership of the city.

Over a sunny luncheon, Antonio praises Vindici for his hard work. Vindici assures Antonio that it was his pleasure, at which point Antonio orders his execution for murder, and even after an attempt to take Antonio hostage the family Vindici find themselves on the wrong end of a firing squad. Farewell, Eccleston!

Now, there’s no clean go-see I can tack on this movie. (“If you enjoy dystopian action-comedy-drama-classics with skulls, questionable family dynamics, knife-throwing, and iambic pentameter, have we got the flick for you!”) I bought my copy on Amazon, and I’m not sure if it’s available on Netflix. If you can track a copy down, however, give it that first five minutes. You won’t be sorry.

Plus, Eccleston will totally shank you if you don’t.