This brings us to the end of Part Two. Not that you’d know it from the pacing, but whatever!

PREVIOUSLY, ON TIN MAN: Everyone in this miniseries is carrying a little notebook.

This time: Who wants some narrative suspense! Or, some more Tin Man, whichever.

For the first glimpses of the boobs that shook the O.Z. and the monkeybats who live there, check out:

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4

Back to the fields of the Papay! For guys who always know exactly how to get places, they’re really going in circles. And no sooner are they back but the same four Papay from last time show up and trap them all! From the front! Not even a circling action! Even though they all managed to outrun the Papay an hour ago! I think the Papay could totally rule this joint. Cain ponies up, steps forward (his “DG + CW” notebook placed squarely in front of his heart) and shoots!

And he is out of ammo. Like a jackass. This is actually awesome, because he is the first person in miniseries history to actually run out of ammunition. What is not awesome is that, after already clearly figuring out he’s out of bullets, he shoots about eight more times, like the Papay are terrified of clicking.

DG’s hand lights up, either warning her of danger or warning her that her new boyfriend is not the brightest bulb in the chandelier; either way, she gets nervous that nothing’s happening with her glowing palm and she backs up THROUGH THE LINE OF PEOPLE BEHIND HER, rudeface, into a tree. This is totally inconvenient and unlikely and plot-driving, since the tree blooms at the touch of her hand, and everything is now fine! CGI fruits bloom all over the place, and apparently the entire population of the Papay can be sustained by a single tree. Lucky for them!

The Papay bow gratefully. In response, the Old Road crew all bow cutely (especially DG and Cain – you guys could have been so nice together! Do something else next time! Maybe read the script first) and depart at great speed, leaving the Papay grasping like assholes for one of three really unconvincing CGI fruits. Maybe the design guys could have thought about a physiognomy more conducive to picking fruit off the high branches of trees.

But no time for that! Mid woods-trekking DG gets another Deus ex Poppeta! A weepy DG curls up into Mummy’s lap and cries that Azkadellia “fell and [DG] let go.” Sure enough, Azkadellia walks up to the little Pieta, and man, bitch is busted. The look on her face could freeze…her face, as it turns out, since we wake up with grown-Azkadellia and realize Kathleen Robertson didn’t wait until 30 to hit the Botox. She looks in the mirror, probably planning a call to her aesthetician, and HOLT SHIT WITCHFACE APPEARS GAH!

— and then DG wakes up from HER dream, which was both prior dreams. Ohofcourse. I think they just wanted to use Az’s sparkly nightgown for something and couldn’t think of a better way to show it off than with some Russian nesting doll action.

The other guys, who have all been creepily sitting around watching her sleep, ask what happened in her dream. DG recalls her mom “rocking me on a swing in a special place.” Cain gulps at her use of the phrase “special place” and quickly hides the wedding ring he’s been whittling on their downtime. She mentions a lake, and Cain notes that there are about “one hundred lakes” just south of where they are now. Convenient! And also, really, a hundred lakes? The O.Z. is so small they can walk everywhere in less than a day, but there’s a land of a hundred lakes? Okie dokie.

More Deus ex Poppetta! Dreamy images of skipping stones and a hedge labyrinth perfect for losing small children convince DG the lake they are looking for is “magical”. Everyone nods in that “Aaah, of course” way, without actually knowing what lake it is. It would be awesome if they were all just messing with her, come to think of it. Like, she gets a few steps ahead and they’re all like, “Magical lake, wtf?”

Evil Palaceville! Az (who’s in a different sparkly nightgown, thank you costume people) gets a visit from Zora and a present: a blossom from the single tree of the Papay. I bet picking that branch killed the tree and shoved them right back into cannibalism.

Mummy Memorial Prison. Mummy seems pretty happy about Dg bringing back one extinct tree in the middle of a dead forest, and taunts, “What about you, Azkadellia? Perhaps DG isn’t the only one who needs to connect with her past.”

“I’m only interested in the future,” Az murmurs, inciting hopes of narrative interest that will bear about as much fruit as that stupid Papay tree.

Old Road – and with this, the lightning edits for this week begin. “Id give my last synapse for a juicy apple,” Glitch *thud*s, offering the perfect opportunity for DG to flash back to her Poppet self gathering apples with Az, which is apparently verboten by mom. And why? Because the woods are filled with mythical animals living in a single geographically-impossible forest setting, is why. For lo, they’re attacked by a bear. And why? Well, firstly to demonstrate that we’re throwing back to the old movie with a “Lions and tigers and *roar* – oh my!”, which, thanks for the bone, writers, and secondly, to plant that when they join hands their wonder twin powers activate (not even kidding) and they repel evil through the power of a choir of sopranos that emanates from their fingers!

“Hey kiddo,” Cain Han Solos, trying to snap her out of it, but DG’s way too caught up on wondering what happened to Azkadellia between good apple-picking and evil monkeyboobs that DG ignores him and wanders away, nearly falling into a ravine. Ladies and gentleman, the savior of your realm, right here.

Turns out they need to cross the ravine to get to lake country (oh, of course), and while they try to make plans Cain spots a log cabin in the near distance. “Look at the smoke,” he says. Glitch bitchfaces, “So? They lit a fire. Longcoats get cold too.” I’m so happy for the sign of a personality that I totally miss why they’re allowed to go there. Turns out blue smoke, but that’s all we learn, so.

But go there they do! And once again end up at gunpoint. Are these five the only people in all of the O.Z. who don’t have rifles? Shouldn’t they pick some of those up? It’s okay, though, because Cain and the armed dude trade some hilarious “The crow flies at midnight across your blue-smoke hearth” code words, and what do you know? Resistance fighters, living safely and without any suspicious attention from the huge nearby garrisons of evil totalitarians! Man, these guys are GOOD.

DG sits them all down for a little Exposition Summit about what Azkadellia is up to. Apparently a big machine! In the middle of discussing all the things Az is mining for, Glitch recalls Mauritanium, which I love – they even have him mentally map it on the periodic table. Awesome. Too bad the machine they’re talking about is such a horrible plot device I don’t even remember what it did, what it was supposed to do, or how they’re planning to use it. All I know is, Raw finally gets to be useful and hook a brother up!

Oh, nope, not yet. We’re back in Evil Palaceville, because god forbid a scene be longer than four minutes. They calibrate some huge machine they stole from the set of Metropolis. The head Alchemist is wearing a white rubber doctor’s coat, and really, what better way to highlight both your evil and your little man-boobs? (Answer: there is no better way. If you want people to stare, fixated, on your little dude-buds, this is the garment for you.)

Aaand back to the cabin. Raw hooks Glitch up to another conveniently-located huge mirror and they flash back to his time as the Queen’s advisor, when he’s wearing a much crisper version of his current coat (awesome) and telling the Queen that Azkadellia is totally evil and they’re all pretty much ewedscray. (Also note that the mirror frames this whole scene with the fake patina of an Evanescence video). Azkadellia marches up with her cronies in a sort of Tibetan-monk-BDSM skirt and corset combo, deposes the Queen, and grabs Glitch.

And then they take Glitch and remove half his brain to get the knowledge of the machine. This would be lame except Alan Cumming totally sells the abject terror of a proud man whose logic will get him nowhere. Awesome! Nice job, Alan! Sorry about the rest of the five hours and fifty-nine minutes!

And of course, as soon as they’re finished with the telegraphing, it’s become the perfect time to go – they’re not late, they’re not early; it’s the perfect time to depart. Man, these guys totally rule.

On their way out DG stops to angst over everything being her fault (which, totally factual! HA!). Cain hangs back with her, cradling her shoulders and giving her words of forgiving wisdom, desperately humming “In Your Eyes” in between sentences and wishing he hadn’t left his boombox back in the suit.

Also on the way out he discovers his son’s alive, but whatever.

Back on the road, heading towards the convenient and totally-undiscovered-by-the-totalitarian-forces zip wire. Alan and Zooey share a quiet moment of bonding over Mummy and her general awesomeness. It’s sweet, and also, HE’S TOTES HER DAD.

“We should thank you,” Bluesmoke says as they part, not actually thanking them (ha! Awesome). And then it’s time to slide across a huge ravine one at a time, which they totally take the time to show you even though at no point do we think for even one second that one of them will a) not make it or b) be seen by the enemy. It’s like a Discovery Channel documentary about the rainforest up in here.

Then it’s time to see the white tree marking Cain’s family’s new homestead, and he’s off! Cain runs like a NERD through the field, screaming his wife’s name, which is totally sweet – except she’s dead. Bummer. Also, his son stuck a fucking scuba suit into the ground on his way out of town, apparently as a reminder about what happened to Dad, and also a way to give Dad a HEART ATTACK if he ever came to find you, and also, it must be pretty easy to come by a magical self-sustaining scuba suit, because this is not this kid’s only one. But whatever, Cain is sad.

He drops something on his wife’s makeshift grave, and this miniseries has such amazing directing that whatever he sets there is totally out of frame and we never see it. I have no idea what it is. Her hair ribbon? His son’s tin horse? A clown nose? Divorce papers? I’ll never know.

Evil Palaceville! Az finds out from a disc of narc-y evil that they’re headed for “Finaqua”.

Old Road! Raw tries to counsel Cain. Cain basically punches Raw in the stomach. Awesome.

Momprison! Oh my GOD, slow down with the editing! Also, Azkadellia has a hairstyle with four cannolis on top.

Old Road! They come to a fork in the road, and DG has to winsome herself into a flashback. Deus ex Poppeta guides her to the high road, and Glitch is trying to catch up with the crowd when he sees a disc of narc-y evil and goes for it, just as Zora the MoBat attacks him!

Cain shoots the crap out of her. Man, I am going to assume he reloaded at the blue smoke house, because otherwise the dude is shooting acorns.

Evil Palaceville! Azkadellia, all be-corseted, clutches her boobs and sinks into a faint. Broken rib or dead MoBat? You decide!

Oldroad! “We should pretend it never happened,” Toto evils.

“You okay? You’re sweating up a storm,” replies Cain to a not-at-all-sweating Toto. Come on, guys. Did all the money go to Az’s shoulder armor? You could’nt afford a squeeze bottle with some water in it?

DG, totally tired of this show’s attempts at suspense, crests the hill and sees the huge hedge maze that apparently no one in the world knew about even though it was the monarchy’s summer palace and everything else about the monarchy appears to be common knowledge. The old Road crew chase after DG in a huge, confusingly-shot game of tag until finally DG reaches the end of the maze. I think that Raw takes the lead in the chase, which would be a nice nod to his extrasensory perception, except this jerk can’t perceive his way out of a paper bag without a mirror mantle around, so, no.

There’s a forest instead of a lake, which, I don’t – oh, never mind. Let’s just Deus Ex Popetta.

DG and Azkadellia bury a skipping stone in the ground. DG finds it five seconds later; I’m fine with this in a magical-memories sort of way, but did Azkadellia really leave a magical stone sitting around in the midst of her pretty-thorough burnout of Finaqua? Huh.

DG closes her eyes and emotes as the Poppets wander in the woods, right down into a dark cave. “Your adventures have a way of getting me into trouble,” Azkadellia *thud*s, but goes anyway, because DG’s not the only sister with the intellectual acumen of a turnip.

What’s in the cave? A crying little girl, who’s really a FUCKING SCARY WITCH, you guys. I mean, I’m an admitted weenie, but I was afraid. She beckons them to come closer (eeeeew), but the sisters link hands and totally defeat this evil!

AHAHA no they don’t. DG cuts and runs, that little jerk, and Az gets nine MoBats right to the face.

This means that evil Azkadellia, who has been the only proactive character in the entire miniseries so far, is not actually acting through any will or desires of her own. Her actions are being absolutely dictated by the evil witch that literally lives inside of her and is just having run occupying a hottie body. Way to rob every woman in this whole movie of her agency, writers! Additionally, way to dismiss any psychological complications or suspense or anything.

We then return to the Poppet scene from the beginning of the hour – Evil Azkadellia returns to Finaqua to confront the little whinypants who left her hanging. Mummy looks up and sees at a glance that her little daughter is possessed by an evil spirit.

Now, I just want to review. In Part One, we learn that Queen Mum had enough power to BRING BACK THE DEAD. However, she wasn’t willing to expend one ounce of energy to kick the evil witch out of Azkadellia directly? Way to play favorites, Mummy! You totally deserve that prison.

DG flips out. Which, good! It’s all your fault! Sucker.

In Evil Palaceville, Azkadellia has recovered enough from Zora’s death to avenge her – with booby bats! When you care enough to send the very best: booby bats.

Next time on TIN MAN:

I’m gonna guess some more loss of free agency! Just a Hail Mary pass.