So, who’s planning to see The Other Boleyn Girl? Nobody, right? And how did you know (besides the casting) that this movie was going to suck even before the reviews told you? It’s because humans are genetically able to sense horrible costuming inaccuracies and shortcuts, and act accordingly. The same way we can tell that a dog is about to attack, we know this movie is terrible. Even Cate Blanchett (who shouldn’t be throwing a lot of stones about historical inaccuracy) can’t bring herself to look directly at this post.

First of all, we’ll hit the number-one indication that a movie has taken historical accuracy out behind the house and shot it:

“Where to even BEGIN?”

Public Enemy #1: No chemise. Also, the front seams just make me want to scream – there should be a reeded or boned corset under the bodice, or if you’re gonna cheat, make sure the reeds don’t stick out like little ribs, okay? Also, in Tudor England, rich chicks had front, side or side-back seams, not this crazy-ass stomacher BS. Also, NO CHEMISE. That dress is gonna get so rank she’ll pass out from her own fumes, if she doesn’t freeze to death first.

(She’s wearing a random fichu in other stills, and so does Mary, so it’s not like they decided to pretend chemises never happened. They just…hate me, I guess.)

Also, we’re gonna bring the theme home that these sisters are different, yet the same. How? Well, by putting them in matching patterns at all possible times. Here, as you see, we’ve used cross-dye couch fabric in a silhouette that has never existed, in two slightly varying color schemes! Different, yet the same.

(As you can see from this picture, Portman is not happy about this. She totally knew this was a clunker from week one.)

But these costume people were ambitious with their badness; not content to mess up British costume of the day, they decided to outfit the sisters in the very height of fashion:

…IN GERMANY.

Ain’t NO WAY people scheming for the British throne would be wearing German styles. It’s like showing up for a job interview in denim overalls. Ignoring the historical fact that both these girls served the French court (and took a lot of their personal style from French trends), these German gowns were from the 1520s, about ten years before Anne Boleyn began her ascent to the throne. So they’re wearing denim overalls that haven’t been fashionable for a DECADE, EVEN IN OVERALL-LAND.

…yet the same.

And I’m not a fan of Scarlett Johansson by any means, but this chemise is comparatively historically accurate and I’m so happy to see that SOMETHING IS that I could kiss her, too. Thanks for taking one for the team, Eric Bana.