I’m not a huge fan of Westerns. I can count the Westerns I like on one hand and still have a finger left over. (Which finger depends on if I’m mad at you or not.)

One of these precious few is a we’re-all-out-of-spaghetti Western, Two Mules for Sister Sara, which was distributed in Finland under the name A Fistful of Dynamite, which is weird since that’s a totally different movie, A Fistful of Dollars, which is sometimes distributed as Duck, You Sucker, which is really just proof that I’m right in hating all these double-crossing Westerns to begin with!

Ahem. As I was saying: Two Mules for Sister Sara.

Nutshell: Shirley MacLaine’s Sara is a nun whom Clint Eastwood’s Hogan saves from the hands of three bad guys. As he takes her along with him on his mercenary mission, he gets roped into her cause of helping the revolutionaries, except that might not be her cause. Also, she might not be a nun. Also, Clint Eastwood makes a TON of faces. Also, it features Poldo Bendandi as “Executed Revolutionary.” I love when extras get names related to their job in the movie. Way to be executed, Poldo! You looked good.

The second-biggest reason I love this movie is simple: there’s more dialogue than there is standing around and drinking, and a lot of the best lines go to Sara.

The biggest reason I love this movie is Sara. Westerns, in general, are not huge opportunities for women to do much more than stand around and look worried as the men shoot things. This movie is a total reversal – Sara, who is totally not a nun, is clever enough to stay one step ahead of Hogan for the entire movie while still (mostly) maintaining her cover as a nun until the last possible moment. I really just love her, full stop.

Naturally, I love Clint Eastwood as well; he spends the movie grumpily shooting trains, grumpily dealing with the military, grumpily fighting with Sara, grumpily climbing rocks grumpily fighting kissy-feelings towards Sara, and grumpily chopping the head off a rattlesnake. What’s not to like?

How about this poster?

“THRILL as Clint Eastwood carries the severed torso of Shirley MacLaine through the unforgiving West!”

Oh, the Seventies. What was the matter with you?

It’s really interesting to note, though, that NOBODY knew how to market a Western with very little person-to-person violence and no real standoff scenario. (As I remember, Clint shoots those rapists, and then blows up a train, and then later he and a bunch of dudes attack a garrison full of bad guys, but that’s a general shootout and not a Personification of the American West.) But really, the majority of the movie is Clint and Shirley hauling ass at a mild pace and bickering with each other to great effect.

The trailer below, while it features the action scenes, has almost NOTHING to do with the actual plot of the movie. I’m sort of amazed; it’s like that trailer for The Shining where it’s a romantic drama about a guy who befriends a little kid and his mom.

Also, in case you couldn’t get enough YouTube, you have GOT to check out the opening theme of this movie, composed by genius Ennico Morricone. It incorporates DONKEY SOUNDS into the orchestra and children’s choir stuff. I really…donkey sounds.