This week’s Questionable Taste Theatre is Impromptu, which was written as a biopic, framed like an Impressionist painting, and cast like a handicap game of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon.

Ye Olde Classe Picture

(Don’t you forget about me…)

Nutshell: so, George Sand is awesome. Most of her friends are not. Emma Thompson is awesome. Most of her dresses are not. Everyone else tries to be awesome, with varying degrees of success.

Okay, so, we begin with George Sand (Judy Davis – “The Break-up” with Jennifer Aniston – “Picture Perfect” with Kevin Bacon). She’s totally over-the-top in an awesome way, like that girl from high school theatre who had screaming fights with her college-age boyfriend five minutes before rehearsal started, but never insisted you call her by her character’s name or anything.

She wants to dump her latest boyfriend and decides to take refuge at the Artists’ Fortnight being held by Duchess d’Antan, played by the hysterical Emma Thompson (“Primary Colors” with Maura Tierney – “Welcome to Mooseport” with Marcia Gay Harden – “Mystic River” with Kevin Bacon). The Countess is the funniest character in the whole thing, and her vapid cheerfulness does a great job of highlighting exactly what all the Artistes are rebelling against, which is good, because a lot of the Artistes spend the two weeks acting like a bunch of spoiled teenagers. Awkward!

THIS DRESS IS NOT AWESOME. (…well, a little.)

Too bad George is being pursued by vengeful ex Alfred de Musset (Mandy Patinkin – “dick Tracy” with Madonna – “A League of Their Own” with Tom Hanks – “Apollo 13″ with Kevin Bacon)!

Franz Liszt (Julian Sands – “A Room with a View” with Judi Dench – “The Important of Being Earnest” with Colin Firth – “Where the Truth Lies” with Kevin Bacon) comes with his girlfriend Countess de Bernadette Peters, because let’s face it, everyone loves Bernadette Peters, but British period pieces are really not her thing. (Bernadette Peters – “Cinderella” with Whitney Houston – “The Bodyguard” with Kevin Costner – “JFK with Kevin Bacon.)

“It’s a note from Genevieve. It says you look like you’re at Actor Camp when you stand next to me.”

Franz Liszt is pretty cool in this movie, which is shocking since he’s played by perpetual creepfest Julian Sands in a pre-Fantasma role, back when he was still keeping up the charade he was a normal person.

Recognize the hair?

You don’t, right? It’s because it’s all his own hair. …FANTASMA.

Another invited guest is Frederic Chopin (Hugh Grant – “Two Weeks Notice” with Sandra Bullock – “A Time to Kill” with Kiefer Sutherland – “A Few Good Men” with Kevin Bacon), a sickly composer with whom George falls in love. Will those crazy kids ever get together?

Sadly, yes, though I can’t imagine it being possible based on their negative chemistry, and every time I see the movie I’m shocked anew that Hugh Grant was ever cast in anything again. Casting directors must not have seen this. What’s worse, his sociopathic aversion to facial expressions or his Sprockets German accent? You make the call!

Nice hat, at least.

There’s not a lot of plot here, but if you enjoy movies full of clever people smoking skinny cigarettes and being mean to each other for two hours (and god knows I do), this is your kind of movie. It’s also your kind of movie if you like Emma Thompson, or if you hate Hugh Grant, or if you like movies where people are often weird or foolish or desperate in that way that a lot of people are.

And by “a lot of people”, I mean, “theatre people”. (There’s lots of standing up and shouting, “Oh, for God’s SAKE!” and storming out of a room in this movie.)

Here, I’ll just show you the best part. Emma Thompson, looking for her husband and making a series of hilarious sounds.

Middleman!

I loved this episode, don’t get me wrong, but the Things I Didn’t Love list is back this week. It’s at the top. You can just scroll past it if you want!

The jacket? 100% cotton. The man? 100% dorktacular.

This week’s list includes little personal essays! …enjoy?

I am starting with things I didn’t like, because I really did like the episode and I don’t want to end on a downer.

Things I Didn’t Love (why are you back, things?! Last week was so perfect!):

* Tyler, who I should just call Benedick to acknowledge my negative bias, has not gotten any better at acting since last week. I am beginning to suspect he has lockjaw and is just trying to pull a fast one on us.

* Also, he’s so perfect it sort of made me throw up in my mouth. I really hope the “too perfect” angle is going somewhere, because holy crap, snore.

* Little, but it bugs: Tyler didn’t acknowledge Lacey when he was leaving the apartment. Dude, it’s just manners. Plus, he and Lacey have been on a DATE, so holy crap, acknowledge her. It’s not like “See you, Lacey” was going to damage the episode pacing. Could he not squeeze it out past the lockjaw?

* Little, but it bugs: why exactly did Wendy have to be in the bikini? The joke wasn’t THAT funny, and it’s not like there’s a shortage of scantily-clad women on other shows or working downtown at the Booty Chest or whatever.

* That Lacey fell under Guy’s spell moments after he barged his way into the apartment and invaded her personal space. When it’s the Middleman, that’s fine. When it’s strange men busting into her apartment and crowding her and demonstrating prior knowledge of her and she’s into it? I dunno. I wish the “hooch” joke hadn’t rung so true, I guess.

* How does one melt one’s own hand? It drove me nuts for the rest of the episode! (Seriously. Did he have a melt ray? I’m asking.)

* That the Middleman left Wendy alone in a car with a sleazy guy. I know it was so he could attack the Candle and so Wendy and Guy could chat about love whatever whatever plotcakes, but come on, man, don’t leave your partner alone with Lester Molester! Not cool! Did Butch leave Sundance? (Hint: no.)

I think that’s all. Now, to happier things!

Things I Loved, in nothing like chronological order:

* Luftwaffles. LUFTWAFFLES. I think one of this show’s greatest strengths is the world building that slips into the background – this and the Rendezvous Point diner being my favorites.

* That when the Middleman first realized that Ida was watching Cinemax After Dark on the TV screens, he covered up the wigstand’s eyes.

* That said wigstand was wearing what looked like a tweed hat, and that its purpose was never explained. I like to think it’s a hobby, and that the Middleman sits around in Headquarters on a Saturday night making hats.

* That the Middleman carries the concussion field ball wherever he goes, just in case. Oh, boss.

* That 90% of the Middleman’s weapons look exactly the same. When she pulled out the B.U.M.M.E.R. last week, I cracked up.

* The Middleman’s explanation of his jacket. Oh, boss.

* That Ida liked 69 more than the current one. I bet 69 spied on his Middle-coworker’s love life. And brought popcorn.

* That Tyler is supportive of Wendy’s job. (Look, I said something nice about Tyler! And it only hurts a little!)

* “I’ll get you home in one piece.” Oh, boss.

Things I Loved More:

* The confirmation that previous Middlemen have not been the way our Middleman is. I really, really like that; it’s nice to know that while all Middlemen have the same goal, the methods of dealing with it are different.

* That the plot centered on interpersonal conflict, as opposed to the pursuit/discovery of a monster. (This is both because the show’s budget is less obvious when there’s not a lot of CGI clomping around, and because I am always a sucker for human fallibility over the threat of monstrous aliens. Not that I don’t like a Peruvian flying pike in a SCUBA suit as much as the next person.)

* That Ida didn’t let her crush on 69 get in the way of kicking ass when her boss was threatened.

* The look on the Middleman’s face when Ida stood up for him.

* The Top Secret shout-out with the cheek poking. I love that movie so much. I might have to Questionable Taste that this week.

* The Shibumi game. “No mannequin. Nuh-uh.” HA!

* That cancelled sci-fi show no one’s ever heard of.

* That the Middleman’s idea of kicking ass includes heading to the library for hours of research! Oh, BOSS.

* That Wendy refused to believe the Middleman was dead, and that even if he WAS dead, Wendy was going to go retrieve his melted lump of a body and drag it back into the submarine. And when he was alive, her first priority was to hug him, right on top of Guy’s melted lump of a body.

* That the Middleman gave Guy his dignity back twice. TWICE. Matt Keeslar does a remarkable job of playing the Middleman: he’s shaded enough to be interesting, but at the end of the day he will do the right thing. He’s a hero, in the best sense.

* That Wendy is going to continue to snark him as long as she can still breathe. Ah, teamwork!

So, doing research is sometimes more fun than writing.

Behold! An amazing book of etiquette from 1891.

It’s just as awesome as you could imagine. As someone who is often at a loss in social situations (damn you, salad fork, why must you look exactly like the dessert fork!), there’s something appealing about the idea of a book of manners that everyone is expected to read and follow. Practically, I know this leads to cotillion, so I won’t wish it on anyone.

(Note: everything I know about cotillion I learned from All I Want For Christmas, in which the young Ethan Embry (nee Randall) rescues his crush from a boring cotillion and proceeds to woo her in a diner? I think.)

(Oh, that and I went to a year of middle school in Texas, where girls were already discussing their coming-outs and how hard it would be to curtsey and how they were ALREADY PRACTICING for their curtseys. I was writing X-Files scripts in ProWrite on my dad’s computer when everyone was asleep. Just saying, thanks for that year in Catholic school, Mom and Dad!)

ANYWAY. MANNERS.

Dresses are from 1880, not 1891, but by 1891 everyone looked like a Gibson Girl and it gets all upsetting.

Ladies and gents, if you ever wondered what to do with your calling cards, well, now you’ll know!
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Every week I go to a tango dance party at a ballroom studio, which means I get to look at a subset of people that are creepily fascinating. They have the bodies of Olympic athletes, they practice in $600 practicewear, and they have questionable taste in music.

Speaking of questionable taste, let’s talk about Strictly Ballroom!

Nutshell: It’s almost the Pan-Pacific Grand Prix, and hunky, rebellious Scott doesn’t have a partner. What’s this? An ugly beginner with fantastic feet? Too bad THEY can’t dance together! Wait, she’s taking her glasses off – she’s foxy! Hell, let’s dance!

“ARMS, CLAREY.”
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Okay, so, the next part of Project Prom is research. And by “research” I mean “look on Flickr”. Apparently no one on Flickr posted pictures of my prom dress (bunch of lazy jerks!), so I’ll have to just link to pictures of their prom dresses instead.

Ye Olde Promme! N’awww.

Sure, you’ll hate yourself for clicking, but come on. You have to see this.
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