So a few days ago, I got a call from a friend. “I’m watching this Christian Bale movie, and it’s…should I hate it? I don’t even know what’s going on…”

“That’s Equilibrium,” I said, because let’s face it, few movies are simultaneously so awesome and so craptacular.

Nutshell: Turns out, in the future, people are really mean.

Okay, let’s review what’s awesome about this movie:

- Christian Bale
- Sean Bean
- The black coats everyone wears
- Sean Pertwee
- Emily Watson
- Taye Diggs
- The idea of the gun kata
- William Fichtner (as someone’s who’s not batshit crazypants – double points!)

What is not awesome:

- The plot. Ladies and gentlemen, the 1984 edition of your Farenheit 451 Logan’s Running Man!
- The half-ass faux-Nazi aesthetic
- The fact that Taye Diggs, the only person of color with lines, is evil. NICE.
- The plot
- The execution of the gun kata
- The way it opened on, like, five screens, even though it’s better than the Matrix (damning with faint praise, but whatever!)

A brief picture post, mainly because the actors in this movie deserve accolades for selling the hell out of a terrible script. Also, there’s no point in rehashing the plot. (Hint: do you think our attractive, intelligent hero will find the courage to fight back against the totalitarian regime? Do you think that regime will try to stop him? Will he shoot the crap out of them? Oops, spoilers.)

This isn’t even the first time I’ve been mean to this movie (see the end of this post), but I have to admit this movie has stayed with me. Or in this case, it’s followed me around by taping itself onto other people’s TiVos like a third-rate Japanese horror film.

Speaking of third-rate horror:

The last time I saw Sean Pertwee was in a SciFi movie of the week where he had to shave his head and then he got eaten by a mummy. Scary shit. Downgrade.

Taye Diggs in placemat armor? Upgrade! (For both Taye and the placemats.)

I have to note that, when all else fails, at least this movie gives us several instances of actors who look good in motion, which is shockingly rare. As evidence, I submit almost any movie where actors are required to dance, or fight, or run. (Tangent: best run in Hollywood belongs to Richard Roxburgh. That dude is on balance like a sprinter. And thinking about it, I’m kind of shocked he’s not in this, since he’s another one of those good actors with a terrible-movie-magnet.)

The movie didn’t fail at everything. It was self-serious, but at least it really tried, and the idea of populace control via prescription was relatively timely. Plus, the movie was executed well – it knew its budget, and it looked good in it.

They had a nice thing going with the background clothing – the movie avoided putting everyone in a single color, which I always appreciate, and it gives the backgrounds a certain life. It’s the illusion of choice, rendered in clothing! (Neeeerd alert.)

In all fairness, the movie does tackle several oustanding social issues.

…really, really oustanding.

(What? I had to! Haters to the left.)

If any one thing in this movie should be remembered, it’s that Sean Bean played a good guy for once in his career. If any TWO things in this movie should be remembered, the other one is that Christian Bale is a seriously amazing actor. In every scene he manages to sell you a man who, for the first time in his life, realizes his belief system is wrong, and that everyone around him is suddenly an enemy. It’s good stuff. Every time he goes to Bad Guy Police Central, I get worried for him.

Speaking of workplace stress, check out the dude at the very top of that picture. He’s not doing ANYTHING. Slacker. You’d think he could at least shoot somebody, since Christian Bale killed more than 200 people in this movie, and it’s not like there’s a shortage of guns at Bad Guy Police Central.

Sure, every time I watch this movie (which is more often than I should), I spend a lot of the movie with this face on:

…but that doesn’t stop me from watching this puppy at least twice a year.

Get it? Puppy? Like the puppy he…steals from…the…oh, never mind.

* All pictures from this amazing site.