Every week I go to a tango dance party at a ballroom studio, which means I get to look at a subset of people that are creepily fascinating. They have the bodies of Olympic athletes, they practice in $600 practicewear, and they have questionable taste in music.

Speaking of questionable taste, let’s talk about Strictly Ballroom!

Nutshell: It’s almost the Pan-Pacific Grand Prix, and hunky, rebellious Scott doesn’t have a partner. What’s this? An ugly beginner with fantastic feet? Too bad THEY can’t dance together! Wait, she’s taking her glasses off – she’s foxy! Hell, let’s dance!

“ARMS, CLAREY.”

Strictly Ballroom was Baz Luhrmann’s first movie in his unofficial Red Curtain trilogy. It was a love story between a couple of good-looking young people! It was an inspiring story that encouraged us all to grab life by the chiffon ruffle and just go for it! The tag line was, “A life lived in fear is a life half-lived!” Heartwarming!

Except that the original tag line was, “There’s something in the air. It might be love — but it isn’t.”

This cements what I always suspected – sometime in Baz Luhrmann’s childhood, a ballroom dancer slapped him right in the face. With this movie, he got even.

This movie, at its heart, is a satire of the ballroom world. Before Waiting for Guffman, there was Strictly Ballroom and its hilarious mockumentary opening treating the qualifiers for the Pan-Pacific like it was Pearl Harbor.

Fun fact: Gia Carides was bitchtacular in this movie.

The love story here is by-the-numbers, which isn’t to say it’s bad, but if I tell you “They have a misunderstanding and break up!” you will immediately know that they reunite just in time for the big final competition, right? Right.

Oh, uh, spoilers.

What I like best in this movie are the subtle, awesome digs at how ridiculous ballroom dancing is. (Yes, people who like ballroom dancing, you can substitute any expensive, competitive hobby for “ballroom dancing”, but please wait until this movie is over.)

But you have to admit, any hobby that does this to children:

…might not be such a super-great hobby. She looks like Joan Rivers.

Also, take a look at those kids and know that they are already better in their field than most of us will ever be. Damn you, limber and precise children!

Right, so, one last look at the movie and then it’s personal essay time:

This looks like target practice. You only wish.

Last night, I was at the studio and a young lady was trying on dresses that looked very similar to the target-practice dresses up there – no feathers, though, so maybe a different style? Standard? International Smooth? American Smoothie? I DO NOT KNOW.

She tried on three of them, each one more gem-encrusted than the last. She chose two.

After a glance at this competition-level ballroom couture website, I realize that this young lady, who looked 24 years old tops, had dropped ABOUT SEVEN GRAND.

I mean, my hobby is crazy, but the shoes are 200 bucks and a plane ticket to Argentina is two grand. Like, jeeeez.

Anyway, uh, movie! Enjoy this dance sequence! Please note, Fran is clearly not a dancer. Also note Gia Carides being like, “OH I DO NOT THINK SO” right at the end! That, for me, is the real triumph.

Also, beware the slow clap. It’s the longest slow clap ever recorded in a movie. Factual.