Today’s Questionable Taste Theatre has Antonio Banderas in it. You’ve been warned. Don’t look at me like that! There’s a reason this isn’t Good Taste Theatre!

The 13th Warrior is a pretty standard Olde Tyme action movie that I love to PIECES. I have no real evidence that it’s a good movie, except that:

1) Angelina Jolie is not in it.
2) Other stuff, okay? It’s all under the cut! Haters to the left!

You kids smile! It’s Picture Day!

Nutshell: In 922 A.D., Ahmed Ibn Fahdlan is an exiled “emissary” to the Northmen. Turns out he’s also totally suckered into a huge quest to defeat some horrible demons. That’ll teach you! He swiftly adjusts to his role as “guy who doesn’t do much,” and the rest of the movie is just huge Scandinavian dudes kicking ass and taking names.

P.S. This movie stars Antonio Banderas; this review stars parenthetical comments. Forewarned!

“Hurry to meet death before your place is taken!”

Let me preface this by saying I can’t help liking this movie: it hit, like, eight of my buttons, such as Vaguely Historically Accurate Costumes (they are! It’s awesome!), and Group of Dudes Fight Something. (This movie is like Ye Olde Bande of Brotherrs.)

Speaking of groups of dudes, we’re just going to get this over with: not a lot of chicks in this movie. It’s basically The Warriors with fur coats and arrows. This movie is the capital of Dude City.

Here’s Marie Bonnevie, of The Polar Bear King, in the pivotal role of Woman. Seriously, she has a name (Olga, of course), but no one ever uses it. Doesn’t stop her from being awesome, but, you know, Woman. Thumbs up, A.D. 922!

“And your name, fair maiden?”
“…you got me.”

The list of things I like about this movie is long, but right at the top is that this isn’t a movie where an outsider barges in and takes over and usurps the narrative and culture of the people he’s leading. He also avoids being the exposition bullseye; while he is clearly the character who needs things explained to him, a lot of things just happen, and Ahmed (called “Eben”, from Ibn) joins in because, well, when a bunch of huge cannibal bear-demons are attacking you, you sort of have to join in, you know?

Example: Eben doesn’t speak the language of the Northmen. His companion speaks a little Greek, as does Herger, the carefree right hand man of the leader, Buliwyf. (Don’t worry about the names, we’re done. This movie seriously does not care about people’s names! Which is a shame, because they’re hilarious, but I’ll get to that.) So we get a little conversation until they set off, at which point Eben doesn’t understand a damn thing. So we get a huge montage where Eben (a writer) sits with them at the fire every night, and listens, and slowly figures shit out. It’s rare that an action movie will take three minutes to show how people learn to communicate, you know? I’m all over that.

ETA: Other examples.

Example 2: Buliwyf asks if Eben can write. Eben demonstrates. Buliwyf stares at it a long time. The next day, he stops Eben in the middle of disembarking and writes what Eben wrote. This action movie is all about writing and storytelling and shit! What’s not to love?

Example 3: Eben is not a dummy. He actually figures out how to find the demons by asking questions about wildlife habitats. A movie where people think! I’m IN, you guys. I am IN.

The other main reason I like this movie is Herger, played by my Scandinavian boyfriend, Dennis Storhoi.

He’s teeny in this picture, but dude is hilarious. (Please ignore the weird resemblance to Jesus in this picture; he’s just foolin’.) He and Marie Bonnevie comprise 100% of my Scandinavian film collection.

Anyway, they march up to Theoden’s house and get all up in that business, but you know, there’s only so many ways to kill a cannibal bear-demon, so I’m going to bring us back to Picture Day and talk about the names.

So aside from Eben and Buliwyf (not pictured), everyone has a name and a descriptor. Herger the Joyous, Skeld the Superstitious, whatever. Again, there’s no hint of this in the movie itself. Hardly anyone even GETS a name in this movie. It’s just, “Dude with the awesome helmet” and “Hilariously grumpy guy” and “Guy who looks like Tony Robbins” and “That kid who’s, like, nine years old and doesn’t even fight, so really this movie is the 12th Warrior, but nobody ever mentions that”.

However, the “[Name] the [Adjective]” is an awesome game to play while you watch this movie. Just saying. Favorite target, Tony Curran the Easily-Cast. (He did League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, you guys. The man knows when rent is due.)

And the script, while not Memento or anything, has a couple of nice moments. My favorite:

Ahmed, on being handed a humungous Viking broadsword: I cannot lift this.
Herger, totally not giving a shit: Grow stronger!

A lot of people have really beautiful quotes from thoughtful, famous historical figures that provide a guiding light in their lives and give them something to turn to in times of hardship. Quotes that cut right to the heart of human experience and inspire them to greatness, to exertion, to excellence.

My mantra in hard times? “I cannot lift this…Grow stronger!”

I keep it classy, you guys.