(Note: this isn’t a Questionable Taste Theatre, because Questionable Taste Theatre is movies I actually like, or movies I suspect are good. This, despite its train-wreck glory, is neither of those.)

Some wiseacre decided to air Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves over the weekend, when they knew I would be helpless with illness right in front of the TV and be forced to watch it!

…three times!

And you guys, we need to talk.

You already have the Bryan Adams song stuck in your head, don’t you?

You do, right? I would, too, except every time I try to hum it it turns into “All for Love,” the one from The Three Musketeers that he did with Sting and Rod Stewart. It’s like that clip where the dude played two Nickelback songs at the same time – I don’t have the brain power to tell them apart. Both movie themes sound EXACTLY ALIKE to me, and I spent a large portion of last night wanting to do everything for all, for one. It’s a mess. Thank goodness his song from Don Juan DeMarco was a waltz.

My first question (besides “Why, god, why?”, which I can only ask the first time I watch it and not, you know, the third) has to do with the casting. How in heaven’s name do you get Alan Rickman, Morgan Freeman, Michael Wincott, Brian Blessed, Michael McShane, Christian Slater, and KEVIN COSTNER in the same movie?

Well, according to this Entertainment Weekly article from seventeen years ago, you grab whoever walks down the street and beg them to be in it!

They broke with the traditional account of Robin as a devil-may-care adventurer (best embodied by Errol Flynn in 1938) by reimagining him as a rich kid transformed into a socially conscious rebel by imprisonment in Jerusalem during the Crusades. “There was gold on the page,” insists David Nicksay…Morgan Creek chairman James G. Robinson was so enthusiastic that within 24 hours of receiving the script, the company bought the property for $1.2 million on Feb. 14, 1990.

Rehearsals were out of the question: Costner, Morgan Freeman (who plays Robin’s Moorish partner, Azeem), and Christian Slater (as Will Scarlett) had a single read-through of the script. Two other key roles, Maid Marian and the Sheriff of Nottingham, weren’t even filled.

You just cringe, right?

My favorite part of that article is the director insisting that wasn’t the vision he had. To that I say – Dude, you were the one who hired Christian Slater and Kevin Costner. What, exactly, was your vision? 21 Jumpp Streete?

Fun fact: Apparently, Kevin used a British accent for any scenes during which he was fighting with the director. HA!

Another fun fact: Apparently Kevin Costner got Morgan Freeman to agree to be in it by promising him a role in another of his Dances-With-Wolves-y Oscar winners. Morgan, not knowing that Kevin was already going batshit crazy, agreed. He never signed on to any of Kevin’s other projects, which is sad, because it means he missed out on post-apocalyptic waterskiing, post-apocalyptic horseback riding, and countless movies about a washed-up baseball player coming back for one last shot.

Another fun fact: Rickman turned down the role twice, until the producers agreed to let him interpret the part however he wanted. And what he wanted was to stare directly into the camera, twirl his moustache, and cackle gleefully for two hours. I’m pretty sure he actually did that, and they just cut it down in editing.

Ah, the quiet dignity of Alan Rickman’s performance.

(Fun fact: I saw this movie when I was eleven, and I loved the Sheriff ridiculously. For the better part of a year I thought something was horribly wrong with me until I realized that it wasn’t that I loved evil dudes, just British dudes.)

(And British evil dudes. What? Haters to the left!)

However, the movie seems to have struck a chord with a lot of people. (Specifically, the chord was struck on a soulful electric guitar by a Canadian wandering around in the woods.)

One poor inspired soul even translated the entire script and slapped it online. No, seriously, this poor Germanic/Dutch/Swedish/otherwise Nordic soul sat down in front of his computer one day and said, “You know, universal health care has freed up a lot of my time. I’m going to give back to the internet by transcribing Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves into English and putting it on the internet for people who want to snark about it later and need quotes!”

ROBIN OF LOCKSLEY
You’re truly courageous against an unarmed man.
(kort gevecht, Azeem probeert de deur in te beuken)

I’m pretty sure that’s a stage direction; however, feel free to use it the next time you’re on vacation in a Scandinavian country, just so you can tell me what happens when you walk up to a stranger and say, “Good morning! Meanwhile, outside, Azeem tries to break in the wooden door.”*
* Dude, like I know what it says.

The transcript also has some translation moments that read as much, much more interesting than the actual script.

AZEEM
You can not safe those people, Christian, but you can safe me!

ROBIN OF LOCKSLEY
I’m coming

Ooooh, it’s THAT kind of medieval legend.

That same sort of bros-before-hos mentality pervades the piece. The women in the movie are: the Maid Marian; Fanny Little, the mother; and Mortiana, the crone. No joke. (There’s also Sara the maid, but whatever, servants don’t count!)

Then again, I suppose I should be thankful that there weren’t more women, because they probably would have hired Bette Midler as the sassy Mrs. Sheriff, and Winona Ryder as the Merry Man who’s actually a GIRL, and who – once it’s revealed she’s a girl – captures the heart of Will Scarlet. (Or, you know, even when he still thinks she’s a boy; when the family secret is out, Kevin’s a little touchy and Will doesn’t seem to mind, is all I’m saying.)

Unfortunately, as someone who went through this movie three times in a SINGLE NIGHT, I can’t deny it sucks you in. But mostly it just sucks. It just makes you want to punch Kevin Costner in the face, you know? More than usual, I mean.

The point of a movie preview is to get people to want to see the movie. The amount of dialogue in the movie is usually directly related to the quality of the movie.

The entirety of the spoken dialogue in this trailer:

“Robin!”
“Marian!”

Just saying.