…when you watch the first two minutes of Tomorrow Never Dies, where Christopher Bowen and a fifteen-year-old Gerard Butler play Navy men, and then you turn it off because the interesting part is over.

(What? Bowen was in Cold Comfort Farm! He has heavenly teeth! CCF 4ever, you guys, no joke.)

So over at Tor.com I’m asking the big questions about which YA vamp books are going to get snapped up, after Twilight’s ridiculous success and the quiet acquisition of the “House of Night” series’ movie rights.

You know which one I really wish they would make? A Wrinkle in Time: This One Does Not Suck.

Because you guys, seriously, the version they put on TV was dreadful. I made it about halfway through. Maybe a third of the way. The casting of the kids was fine, even if it looked like a prelude to a threesies all the time:

But most of the rest of it was either embarrassing:

Or Wookies:

(Seriously, who were they fooling with that?)

That book was a huge influence on me when I was a kid: I absolutely loved that Meg was not the prettiest princess in school, and not even the smartest kid in her house; her best trait was that when shit went down, she went in after it.

Not to mention that this book had a trio of powerful women who aided the heroine, which was sort of ridiculously rare in my childhood reading. Plus, philosophy! Plus, science! (The only two minutes of my life I was interested in science! I can still do the ant-on-a-string tesseract! Or I could if ants didn’t give me the wigs. But whatever!)

…the agony of internet forums, all in one post on Oh No They Didn’t.

I will say this: in the midst of all my issues with Twilight, the thing that actually interests me is the human-shaped hilarity that is Robert Pattinson. He’s awesome, you guys. He rejected the “media training” the studio tried to give him, and has given some of the best sound bytes ever about the movie (including talking about how the book is clearly just Stephenie Meyer’s own sexual fantasies written down, and how Edward is a manic-depressive stalker who hates himself and must have series issues since he’s a 108-year-old-virgin). You have to love a guy who ignores all promo advice and chooses instead to be hilariously, sociopathically honest:

You couldn’t get a date [before this film]?

When I was in London, it was like, not at all. I don’t know why. That’s all I talked about the whole of last year—that I need to get a girlfriend. I need to get a girlfriend and then this year, I could have any 12-year-old I wanted (laughter).

You just know after hearing this, some publicist jumped out a window. Twice.

And then the world’s saddest thing, from the same post. I laughed (it’s impossible not to), but after listening to the girls in line being so absolutely absorbed in this idea of the ideal protective-yet-caring, handsome, super-rich, and sneakily-abusive boyfriend, I read this comment with a sinking stomach.

Honey, just…leave that dude you’re with, okay? Team College, seriously.

I am still working on two things for Twilight: a We Need to Talk with screencaps and everything, and the big article about opening night with quotes from the girls in line, which I can’t seem to finish because it involves looking at my notes and seeing that out of the nine people I spoke to, all nine people thought Edward never crossed any sort of “abusive or controlling” line with Bella. Seven of those nine thought this behavior was okay in the real world, and said they would put up with it if a boyfriend treated them that way. I’ll finish the article sometime this weekend, hopefully, but the picture painted by these answers depresses the shit out of me, I’m not going to lie.

ETA: Hannah has some thinky thoughts about how it will probably be okay, despite my crushing despair.

Before you give in to the lethargy of a full stomach and agree to take your cousin and her BFF to go see Twilight just for a few hours away from the relatives, there are Ten Things You Should Know.

I am not messing around, people. Hannah will back me up here. It is no joke, going to see this movie. It is Serious Bizness.

Dear Friends,

Technically this is a Thanksgiving warning, since we will all be going home and trying to deal with relatives and friends through a few bottles of wine. However, it is an all-purpose warning, really: if you are drunk (or sober, this is seriously all-purpose), Avoid Dancing Alone.

When you dance alone, you think you look cool. It’s ingrained in us; we have a the genetic need to do the Shopping Cart at random intervals, to chase away potential predators. However, when this urge hits you, please remember that you are not in any danger; doing the Shopping Cart can only drive potential mates away.

How You Look, According to Your Inner Belief System:

How You Look, According to Video Footage (courtesy of your Aunt Phyllis or possibly your little cousin Cody who’s only six but already knows how to program Linux):

When you Dance Alone, you only hurt yourself. And possible relatives standing too close to you. Don’t be that person, okay? Just don’t.

(I speak from experience. That video footage is not pretty the day after. Or, you know, ever. WHY CAN’T YOU BURN A DIGITAL FILE IN A CLEANSING FLAME OH GOD.)