So I wrote Fantasy’s Guide to Holiday Fashion as a spoof of all those horrible “Here are the best dresses for the party scene!” articles you see everywhere at the end of the year. Hint: I don’t go to parties. I don’t want dresses for imaginary parties. Show me pleats or keep it moving!

Entertainment Weekly, in an attempt to fill a slideshow quota, put up Five Movie Costumes That Could Hit The Costume Hall of Fame, which I am pretty sure does not actually exist. Also, they chose end-of-year party-type dresses that really makes this piece a “How to Dress for the Holidays” without really saying so. Also, I have some notes.

Their #1: Nicole Kidman’s cheongsam in Australia.

O RLY?

Now, cultural issues aside (were we big on Chinoiserie in Australia in the ’40s?), this dress doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, and it’s really dangerous to make such a statment dress for an actress who has already done it offscreen – better – twice:

Catherine Martin, you got SERVED.

#2: Kristen Stewart in Twilight.

Yes, those teen girls will just be trampling their grandmothers to get dowdy, ill-fitting yet cleavage-revealing sweater shrugs for their totally unremarkable prom dresses! Brigham Young hates to see a lady’s shoulders.

#3: Cate Blanchett in the Curious Case of Benjamin Button.

I’ll take six! And then just keep them in my closet forever. (Fun fact: once Cate Blanchett wears something, just give up on it forever, okay? It’s all over for you.)

#4: Kate Winslet in Revolutionary Road.

Well, Mad Men is already taking care of this trend, but feel free to take credit for calling it, EW!

#5: Jennifer Aniston (what?) in Marley and Me

This movie does not star Jennifer Aniston. This movie has two stars: a golden retriever, and Jesus. Good luck upstaging Jesus in this, Aniston. (Though you have to love how even the slideshow hates her. This slideshow is Team Marley.)