So I wrote Fantasy’s Guide to Holiday Fashion as a spoof of all those horrible “Here are the best dresses for the party scene!” articles you see everywhere at the end of the year. Hint: I don’t go to parties. I don’t want dresses for imaginary parties. Show me pleats or keep it moving!

Entertainment Weekly, in an attempt to fill a slideshow quota, put up Five Movie Costumes That Could Hit The Costume Hall of Fame, which I am pretty sure does not actually exist. Also, they chose end-of-year party-type dresses that really makes this piece a “How to Dress for the Holidays” without really saying so. Also, I have some notes.

Their #1: Nicole Kidman’s cheongsam in Australia.

O RLY?
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Why did they name this episode after the world’s most annoying drink? WHY? Were they trying to hurt me?

Sadly, this episode was not bad enough to warrant a recap of its own, seeing as it vacillated between “watchable” and “slightly boring”, and there was not ONE frozen head. Not one! I miss you, frozen heads! You were my favorite episode ever! TO THE LAB!

To be fair, this episode was notable for two things – homicidal chimpanzees and Judd Nelson – both of which I discuss over at Tor.com. Because seriously, how can you not join a band named Criminal Chimps? We would have, like, eight thousand band members.

Well, at least it’s the biggest opening ever for a female director?

$70.6 million dollars since Friday.

Good news: Women are a box-office force again, apparently? It’s like when Clinton hit the primaries and everyone remembered that women could vote.

Bad news: Apparently women all want to see movies about relationship abuse! (Ladies, ladies, we already HAVE Lifetime, and they air “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?” at LEAST once a week. Come on, now.)

Sure, the line was bad. Sure, the movie was worse.

But this guy was on the lobby poster, and it might be the worst.

A version of this picture that’s not going through heroin withdrawal: here.

That dude is wearing a brocade waistcoat and a ruffly jabot that is inexplicably not attached to any sort of shirt. That makes this a full-contact No Chemise Foul, people. That shit ain’t right.

Yes, I went. Yes, I liveblogged.

No, my nose did not get broken. People were uniformly pacifist, which was greatly upsetting, but if you could get past the politeness and orderly behavior, there was a lot to love. And some girl might have a broken nose, actually. You’ll see.

Fun fact: the Regal Union Square is a black hole of internet connectivity. I took notes for as long as I could bear it, and typed them up today, blearily. It’s a blast from the past! SCIENCE.

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