I’m talking about The Fifth Element over at Tor.com today, because it’s usually the first movie I watch every year. Mainly because I love a sci-fi hero who’s like, “Can I get more roses on my black velvet jumpsuit? I just feel like right now it’s so….subdued.”
Then I watch movies all day long on January 1 because I’m 1) a movie nerd and 2) a big lump.
Probable choices:
Strange Days, though to be fair this usually has to happen on New Year’s Eve so you can watch in real time as Ralph Fiennes shoves his tongue against Angela Basset’s tonsils. (Not even kidding! It looks like that kiss from Top Secret when Val Kilmer sticks his tongue in his own cheek and rolls it around!) Plus, you can’t watch this movie in daylight; it shines through all the plot holes.
After Fifth Element, it’s Soapdish. Why? Because it’s two things I like: peppy, and cheap. Peppy and cheap.
Then Cold Comfort Farm, aka Awesome British Actor Camp, because it’s what I were always made for.
Once it’s dark (which is what, 3pm?) it’s THE WARRIORS OH MY GOD. I have purposely not watched this movie in three months to save it up for New Year’s, and I am more excited than a sixteen-year-old waiting for a Robert Pattinson poster signing at Hot Topic.
The follow-up to “Phantom,” which debuted in 1986 with Michael Crawford in the lead role, will take place a decade after the original, with the story set on Brooklyn’s Coney Island.
“It was the place,” Lloyd Webber said. “Even Freud went because it was so extraordinary … people who were freaks and oddities were drawn towards it because it was a place where they could be themselves.”
And the Phantom, who perishes at the end of the original musical, will reunite with lost love Christine. The iconic roles have yet to be cast. “We are pretty clear who our Phantom is going to be — I can’t say who,” Lloyd Webber said.
Well, check out this scoop. I already know who it is.
You know it would be amazing! You KNOW it would. Mme. Giry would kill so many Turnbull ACs with that cane it would not even be funny.
This is going to be the best sequel of all time, except for that sequel to Les Mis where Marius and Cosette move to St. Louis and she pops out three kids and gets bored and starts taking night classes at community college trying to do something with her life, and he starts drinking because of the stress down at the plant, and then at the end Eponine shows up to promote her hugely successful self-help book “Hopeless Causes: How to Break Away When The Guy You Like Only Notices You Once You’re Riddled with Bullet Holes,” and when she sees Marius he begs her to forgive him and run away with him and she cracks up and is like, “Peace out, suckers!” and she and Gavroche jump in their convertible and drive off towards California.
Great lines from questionable movies, first in an ongoing and doubtless sporadic series:
“My name is Ethan. I was first in my class at Princeton, I have an IQ of 187…and it’s been suggested that Steven Hawking stole his “Brief History of Time”…from my fourth grade paper.” – Legally Blonde
This moment brought to you by the dude at the table next to me tonight.
P.S. Dude? She’s not going to call you. I know she said she would. She lied.
(Those ellipses are dramatic pauses, not excises. That actor was a genius.)
As someone who goes to movies sometimes, and who would go more often except that people are disgusting and annoying, I want to say two things.
1. The guy got two warnings, which is more than I would give if someone was being annoying and I had a gun.
2. This is why I don’t own a gun.
(Also, it was The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, which makes me laugh. Stop talking! Brad Pitt’s insights are important, and EVERYONE SHOULD LISTEN QUIETLY.)
