So I wrote up a movie death match for Tor.com between Inkheart and Bedtime Stories (totally not a fair fight, since one has Adam Sandler in it and automatically loses forever), and as a surprise to no one, Inkheart is more awesome.

And the more I poked around the Inkheart stills, the more awesome it looks. It’s book porn, coat porn, and Awesome British Actor Camp porn. Featuring Helen Mirren and a unicorn. Sold!

Any movie that has a scene in a book market is okay by me!

Please don’t test me by pointing out horror movies or Nicholas Cage movies with book markets in them. I have limits.

So, we open with Brendan Fraser, playing himself as usual, and his daughter Meggie, who maybe live in England. He walks around being hunky and broody, and she’s picked up a bit from old Dad, judging from these pictures. Good on you, Meggie.

Mom got sucked into a book years ago (don’t ask), but they’re not alone: they have Aunt Helen Mirren!

Helen Mirren does not give a fuck what you think of her hat.

Of course, there’s plotcakes, which include Paul Bettany as a fictional character within the fictional movie, as he has apparently become literally too good to be true. That bastard.

Look, a gorgeous coat with Paul Bettany inside!

According to IMDB he comes to warn Brendan about some danger and then hangs around for sidekicky plot reasons, but, uh, in his free time he does a bit of stalking, looks like!

This is what Twilight should have looked like, you know? When a teenage girl is being followed around by a pasty older guy, it looks like this, not like a romance novel cover. Sadly, my earnest feelings towards Paul Bettany preclude me thinking ill of him until he kills a kitten or something.

Speaking of things Twilight should have looked like, when two teens like each other like that, it usually looks like this:

This picture cracks me up. Leave room for the Holy Spirit, you crazy kids!

Also, I’d take his outfit in a flat second. I’d take hers, too, except that the those are not capris, they are overalls and that’s not a good look for me. Or anyone over the age of four. (Sorry, Meggie!)

I will be going to see this movie because it’s got Awesome British Actor Camp veterans in it, basically. Though apparently we’re in for some real action, too, judging from this thrilling battle shot that should probably not have been a widely-released publicity still:

1) That is not flattering to anyone.

2) Thrilling shrink-from-the-breeze action!

3) All I can think of is those elephant comedy-farts that create enough wind to knock cars over. (I’m sorry. I’m twelve.)