I must say that I am disappointed in the selection available online. The velvet shirts? Only available through the catalog, apparently. The frightening array of leather pants? Here reduced to only two. It’s a shame, really, but I’ve made do.

Behold, the International Male!

Because nothing says style like a plastic jacket and a half-finished perm.

It only gets better. Or worse.

Buckle Shirt
Here we have a shirt that makes a statement.

That statement is, “I am mentally incapable of fastening buttons, so they put a zipper in this shirt instead, and installed these safety buckles for me to use just in case.”

It’s actually a very sweet gesture, considering how much man-boob is in the rest of the catalog. I just…hope this guy ends up okay, and that all his pants have elastic waists, you know?

Faux Leather Vest

This one just makes me sad. You know you’re modeling for a shitty company when they don’t even pony up enough plastic for the back of your vest.

I hope one of his layers is “quiet shame.” (Also, anyone else remember in Little Women when Jo had to sort of slide sideways around the ballroom so no one would see the big burn in her skirt? Just saying.)

Also: if it’s cold enough that you have to slap your plastic vest on top of your sweater, it’s cold enough to zip up a little. I don’t need to see cleavage in the middle of the afternoon, okay? Put that shit away.

“Imagination” Knit Shirt

This shirt actually has two more functioning buttons above the last one he buttoned. I’m not sure why he didn’t do that.

I also included a warning; that magnification shit happens even if you accidentally roll over. Don’t. Just – he has chest hair that grows sideways, and that’s something you can’t unsee.

On a design note, this is a knit. That means that, up close, it looks like a long-sleeved cross-stitch sampler polo shirt that got sliced up the front in a walk-off.

Moroccan Tunic

Of course, International Male is all about going to exotic destinations; most of them look like the little park outside First National Bank of New Jersey, but some of which look a little more exotic.

Behold, the Morrocan Tunic, the perfect thing to slip on before you go outside and inappropriately fondle some gate finials.

Fun fact: just out of frame, you know he’s sporting some muscled thighs that, at some point, will twitch with restrained masculinity as Kailynn Harwithe strains to breathe against her bodice – frightened, yet tantalized, by the foreign and utterly male specimen that has so lately invaded her thoughts, her desires, her very dreams.

UNDERGEAR Nightshirt

Lastly, the item that weirded me out the most.

You know they picked this poor sod just because he had the least frightening body hair, because they do all your shaving for you in the mental ward.

(Seriously, where the fuck else could this guy possibly be? Why couldn’t he walk outside purposefully like the other models? What don’t we know?)

I am grateful to my mail carrier for bringing me the previous tenants’ catalogs this holiday season; I’m sure trees are happy to die for something so beautiful.