No one could be more excited for the never-release of Moonacre than I am. It’s got beautiful costumes – like, really beautiful – and I don’t despise any of the actors. Plus, from what I had seen so far (with the exception of the steampunk tiny scarf of which I do not approve) seemed to be evidence that the movie had been made with style and care.

And I thought that riiiiight up until this morning, when I saw this:

And realized this movie is in Serious Trouble.

“There’s a penalty box for bad costumes, you know. It’s lined in gingham.”

I was going to do a big picspam, but this totally derailed it. We’ll talk about the other costumes later. I just want to point out everything wrong with this photo.

Let your eye roam for a second. Then tear your gaze away from Tim Curry (I know he used to be hot; I can’t help you).

Firstly, Natasha McElhone, who’s rocking a standard-issue Princess Dress, except that she could only afford pearls on one-tenth of it. Also, under her veil, her shoulders look like sea anemones. It’s no wonder she’s making that face.

Now, let’s talk about Ioan.

Ioan’s character, previously slapped into a sage brocade housecoat, is clearly a man of flashy taste. I do, however, question why his overcoat (stolen from Dumbledore) has a pair of velvet curtains hanging off the front. I have to think it’s heatstroke from having a doublet buttoned up UNDERNEATH his waistcoat flap.

(Also, costumers of the world, if you are going to create tabbed shoulders for shoulder rolls, it’s really best to actually stuff the rolls, so your character’s costume doesn’t sit limply off his shoulders like it has a Certain Problem, okay?)

(Also, those shoulder rolls, if stuffed, would be about a foot in diameter. Did anybody think about this? Did you mean to make epaulets and you came in one day and someone had already made a big yoke with some velvet curtains hanging off it and you were like, “You know what, if that’s how Sally wants it, FINE,” and then you sewed the epaulets onto the shoulders just for something to do?)

Moving on to the hats. They look at first like your normal European/Russian Byzantine/Medieval head lumps, but one of those ladies is wearing the Olympic Rings, the dude in the red is wearing a Romulan spacecraft, and the chick on the far left is wearing a hat with a pair of horn skeletons on it. I…do not even know.

Basically, I’m guessing that one very talented costumer got assigned to the young lady, and everyone else had to band together and sew their own costumes blindfolded as part of a bonding ritual.

(Also, there’s a chandelier in the back. Because if there’s one thing stone castles had a ton of, it was chandeliers.)

(Oh, MOVIE.)