I have come to accept that The Secret of Moonacre, about whose costumes I have already written much, will never see release in the States because of magical reasons of which I am unaware but probably involve dragons and things. So, I will have to make up this damn movie myself. Luckily, the best website in the world The Costumer’s Guide, had a link to some new costume stills, so like photos of a crime scene, I can use these to piece together what’s happened.

P.S. From these pictures, what happened is not good.

Oh, you can run, young heroine, but you can’t hide.

Funny you mention a crime scene…

So, according to the promo photos, The Secret of Moonacre is about a young woman named Maria Merryweather, who comes to stay at the rambling manse of a distant relation and soon feels that something is afoot. In the manner of sweet fairy tales the world over, she gets caught up in a whirlwind of magic and mystery!

The first mystery is what her dreamboat distant relation is doing lookin’ so fine:

Baby, your boots are all worn out, probably because you’ve been running through ’s mind all day.

The real mystery is the mystery of how this entire forest village is populated with perverts.

However, poor Maria doesn’t know this and decides to explore the magical woods. Unfortunately, this means she goes outside, and her world immediately starts sucking.

(Costume interlude. What a lovely costume!

Great color and layering, good use of detail, love the postmodern bustle in back. Too bad it’s in the middle of the scene below.)

First thing that happens:

Mugged by the steampunk Newsies of this strange land.

After a brief struggle, she makes it out okay and gets home safe, bringing a little rabbit friend with her.

She protects that rabbit with all her heart, since it’s the only character in the movie who doesn’t try to cop a feel.

Maria begins to figure out things are really getting bad for her when her step-uncle invites her up to look at his etchings.

She decides she’s going to find a new place to live, pronto. Sadly, her walk to the land office is interrupted, since even the village steampunk mugger has decided he wants a little of that 6th-grade action.

The local real estate agent is no better.

(You guys, seriously, I don’t know what’s up with this movie. The hell.)

When she tries to make good her escape, the two men fight over who has the right to grope her. In the background, Maria gathers her skirts and prepares to slink away into the forest, where she will build a small fortress with no windows just to try to cut down on the manhandling.

She does manage to slink away!

And is promptly kidnapped by the witch who ate Hobbiton. This kid cannot catch a break.

After unknown molesting, our heroine makes it home. Almost.

Busted.

(Costume interlude: she has koi on her bloomers!

And it’s not a euphemism!)

Back at home, Maria decides she’s had enough of this ingenue bullshit.

“Dear Jesus, in case you get this before I disappear at the hands of one of the many people trying to grope at me, please give me the strength to murder them all. Also, please keep my rabbit in good health. Yours sincerely, Maria Merryweather.”

And so she locks the door against them all.

Without her, the entire forest goes insane.

They try on stranger and stranger boil-covered outfits in an attempt to recreate the magic of groping young Maria, but all to no avail! It’s not the same!

The entire Pervish Forest despairs! They gather to invoke their gods in an attempt to stave off this terrible need to make grabby hands at the underage!

It doesn’t work. Madness consumes them! It becomes a frenzy of groping!

Then Maria shows up.

“No,” they call, “stop! We promise never to grope you again!” (Tim Curry, who has never not-groped someone in his entire life, stays silent, because he might be a huge smelly perv, but he’s not a liar.)

Unfortunately, their cries fall on deaf ears, as after only a moment’s hesitation, Maria Merryweather rains holy hell on everyone who ever tried to cop a feel.

[picture redacted for carnage]

Having finally defeated all the people who kept putting her in sketchy situations, the victorious lass and her murderous rabbit are given a pony by the two nonthreatening character actors who kept their hands to themselves, and so were allowed to keep their lives.

At last, unmolested for once in her life, she departs for a new life as a bloodthirsty vigilante.

The end! Sleep tight, kids.