I am a huge costume nerd. This surprises exactly no one. However, sometimes I go a little over the top and have to rein it back in before people picket my house with signs like SHUT UP ABOUT BUSKS. Traditionally, is responsible for picking topics that provide appropriate counterpoint to these costume ramblings. His response to the latest overdose appeared in my inbox promptly:

The spud gun.

It shoots potatoes. There’s some engineering mumblemumble about combustion vs. pneumatic, but all of that pales when you look at this glorious machine. That clean PVC construction, that random crank on the side that I can only assume adjusts power from Baby New all the way up to Yukon Gold.

This gun makes everything in the world even better. No matter how cool you think something is, it’s cooler with a spud gun.

Proof.

In my love affair with the spud gun (and the little hands attached to it that I didn't bother erasing,) I applied it to some boring scenes in costume-heavy movies. The transformation is amazing.

“Life is fun again!”

We start with an easy open: ANYTHING would have made Van Helsing better. In this case, Kate Beckinsale loads up the family’s ceremonial spud gun with her man-hands and gets to beast-hunting.

Of course, you don’t have to use the gun. Sometimes, it’s the perfect way to simply make a statement.

And that statement is, “I don’t want to marry the French king, okay? Damn.”

Or, when you do want to marry a king and you just have No Patience for anyone from Middle-Earth making an objection:

Sadly, Sam Gamgee fell victim to friendly fire once he realized what the ammo was and tried to reach into the barrel. He was laid to rest in Idaho Memorial Gardens.

Did you fall asleep during Pride and Prejudice? Well, not any more!

Which one of Lizzy’s intolerable sisters is she going to clock with her mastery of the spud gun and her physically impossible set of extra, tiny appendages? Whichever one it is, she’s clearly looking forward to it; look at that face.

Bonus: nobody wants to marry a chick with a concussion, so this entire miniseries ends up about 45 minutes long!

Michelle Pfeiffer knows how to play the Deadliest (Parlour) Game:

Of course, the spud gun doesn’t just elevate the cool factor of corseted ladies. Even badasses benefit from a little tuber action:

He has little tentacles with tiny hands on the end. That’s how that works.

And best of all, with proper supervision, this three-handed gun is child-safe!

“Bastien, you little shit, throw a Empress name our way or you’re getting a Russet right in your face!”

(Sadly, that didn’t happen. I will maintain to the end of my days that it should have. Bastien sucked.)

Though I would never attempt to construct a spud gun myself, much in the same way as I would never attempt to construct anything that required anything more than an Allen wrench, I have a newfound respect for them and the value they bring to the lives of those brave enough to wield them. Soldiers, I salute you!