You know what makes me angry every time I think about it? Hannibal. (Not the historical figure, though I’m sure he was probably unpleasant depending on where in the Alps you lived.)

Silence of the Lambs is a great book. It was also super-successful, and at some point Thomas Harris had a concussion or something and thought, “You know what Silence of the Lambs needs? A sequel!” In terms of conceptual brilliance, this is similar to the day Joel Schumacher woke up and was like, “You know what Batman Forever needs? A sequel!”

On the other hand, you could at least choose not to watch Batman and Robin and know that sooner or later a Batman movie would come along that did not reference that canon whatsoever. Hannibal wasn’t a book that could be ignored. It borked canon abut fifteen ways, and it had clearly been done with all deliberation as the untouchable truth about what had happened to those poor, unsuspecting fictional characters.

The mystery of Hannibal Lecter, everyone’s favorite gentleman cannibal? Nazi cannibals, his twin sister, and breastfeeding. Problem solved! I mean, seriously, if that’s the explanation, Hannibal has fewer issues than the guy who founded American Apparel.

Oh, and speaking of breastfeeding, after Hannibal kidnaps and drugs Clarice, she decides that he’s a stand-up guy she’s going to sleep with forever, because nothing says I Love You like a slice of your ex-boss’s brain served medium-rare, am I right, ladies? (A caveat could be made that she was just drugged forever, but in the epilogue when they go the opera, it sounded pretty reciprocal. Even Barney The-Only-Character-Who-Doesn’t-Get-Butchered-in-the-Sequel thinks so.)

The movie actually improved on the book, if you ask me, which is saying something. (Oh, Gary Oldman, was rent due?) At least when the chips were down, Julianne Starling would rather have had her hand chopped off than be his girlfriend, you know?

This blog entry is brought to you by my usual brainstorming thought pattern, which is, “Am I giving too much away? Well, what’s the harm in telling too much about your charac – HANNIBAAAAAAL!”

And now, a brief series of fun facts:

1. “Vide Cor Meum,” the opera excerpt written for this movie, is one of the most beautiful songs ever. There’s a rumor Patrick Cassidy wrote the whole opera. If this ever becomes true, and is staged, I will fly to wherever it is and see it. Twice.

2. Seriously, a lot of movie composers are fucking geniuses. I would make a list, but it feels too personal. (I’m weird.)

3. According to IMDB: When Jodie Foster declined to reprise the role of Clarice Starling, Julianne Moore beat Gillian Anderson, Cate Blanchett, Hilary Swank, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Heather Locklear, Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Drew Barrymore, Winona Ryder, Sarah Jessica Parker, Brooke Shields, Kristin Davis, Bridget Fonda, Calista Flockhart, Helen Hunt, Sandra Bullock, Christina Applegate, Jennifer Connelly, Meg Ryan, Shannen Doherty, Jennifer Aniston, Nicole Eggert and Teri Hatcher for the role.

Wow, you guys. That is the spectre of a looot of different Hannibal movies, right there.

So, The Colony happened! I pulled up a barstool and told my woes to Tor.com.

My major beef with the show is that it really skewed the casting. Every single one of those participants is one of the MOST USEFUL PEOPLE ON THE PLANET. It gets worse if you look at the bios. Let’s take the theoretically-least-immediately-useful one, the marine biologist.

Well, that got longer than I thought.
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So, Kings this week woke up, rolled over, and was like, “Shit, I’m late to finale!” and shoved three episodes’ worth of plot into this week’s episode.

Good news: this week’s episode was really exciting and featured some good acting! Bad news: we had to wait TEN EPISODES for this.

I wrote it up at Tor.com, and extra thoughts are under the cut as per usual.

David made facial expressions. I KNOW, RIGHT?
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Good things about this book cover, from someone who is not a designer:

- White space draws the eye!
- Cameo necklace sets time period* for even a casual browser!
- High-contrast red splashes on graphic black and white is visually appealing!
- Typesetting looks dandy, everything well-placed.

Bad things about this book cover:

I’m sorry, Mr. Darcy’s a what?

* Sure, it’s the WRONG time period, but it’s a time period!

This happened a few days ago, but I keep thinking about it, so. Have a short play!

Scene: A Starbucks.

[Woman ahead of me approaches the counter with a sandwich in hand.]

WOMAN: Can I also get a latte and one of the blueberry muffins?

EMPLOYEE: My, someone’s hungry! [Calls the drink, gets the pastry.]

[Man behind me approaches the counter with a sandwich and a banana in hand.]

MAN: Can I also get a latte and a slice of lemon loaf?

EMPLOYEE: Sure thing! [Calls the drink, gets the pastry.]

…oh, SOCIETY.