This might not be the only review of this movie you will read from me, but I just can’t sit on this any more, mostly because I want to spare you guys the price of a ticket in case you feel like watching it.

So, have a handy bullet list of questions and nitpicks! I answered them all myself, to save you time and money.

1. Isn’t this just a Tim Burton movie? (No. Technically. Except the off-kilter animated creatures, frightening dolls, loners trying to find a place in a hostile world, and Danny Elfman, it’s not a Tim Burton movie in the slightest.)

2. Who IS that voice? (Well, that voice is either Elijah Wood, John C. Reilly, Christopher Plummer, Martin Landau, Jennifer Connelly, or Crispin Glover. You can piece it together. I believe in you.)

3. There’s not one human left in the entire world? (Not one. You never think you’ll miss humanity, but man, you really do. These burlap guys do not cut it.)

4. So, if the evil robot who stole the talisman from 9 was trying to put the talisman inside the huge computer with claw arms mere moments ago, what makes 9 think putting that talisman in that setting himself is anywhere near a good idea? (He’s jump-starting the plot. It’s not a good reason, it’s just the reason.)

5. So, the kindly scientist built an inventive machine-building AI for the Third-Reich-y, propaganda-poster-plastering government and then was shocked to discover the AI would be used to invent war machines? (He doesn’t get out much, I guess.)

6. Speaking of Reich, is this near-future? Alternate history? Steampunkonia? What’s the jumpoff point? Are we supposed to know? It looks WWI, but then you have “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” on the soundtrack, and the propaganda looks WWII-eraa, and—help? (There is no help. There is only a sad Danny Elfman score. Just savor it.)

7. The dolls are full of electronics, and yet are never damaged while being thrown violently into metal objects during the copious beat-up-the-dolls sequences? (Burlap is the superfabric of the future. Or the past. Whenever this takes place, burlap is the representative superfabric.)

8. The others continue to follow 9’s ideas even after three of them have died as a direct result of things that 9 did? (It’s the Elijah Wood voice. They all get sucked into believing that, like in Lord of the Rings, only one of the nine of them will die, and the rest of them will get to marry Arwen.)

9. NO, FOR REAL, HOW CAN ANYONE MAKE SO MANY MISTAKES AND STILL BE CONSIDERED THE HERO? (THERE IS NO ANSWER.)

To conclude: just make a burlap doll yourself, then throw it around the living room. It’s the same feeling, and less expensive.