Last weekend, my sister came to town. In my endless quest to pretend I am a hip young person and not a hopelessly misanthropic homebody, I tried to pick an activity that would be “amusing”. We settled on Coney Island.

FUN FACT: Times I have watched The Warriors: at least a hundred, not even joking.

Times I have been to Coney Island in the many years I’ve lived in this city: Zero.

I’m embarrassed, too.

My sister somehow convinced me to go up on the Wonder Wheel. Now, I know this will shock many of you, but I am not a huge risk-taker. This includes all Wonder Wheels. On the other hand, there is nothing like a withering glare from someone who thinks you are a total dorkwad to convince you lay down SIX DOLLARS for a chance at an epitaph that says FROM THE FERRIS WHEEL TO GOD’S EMBRACE.

This sign did not comfort me.

Sure!…YET.

An elusive glimpse of freedom through the flimsy cage of my imminent doom.

GAZE ON YOUR DOOM. It’s like Cthulu, if Cthulu was a rickety rollercoaster being operated by a half-asleep park employee.

I actually did have a good time on the Wonder Wheel, mostly, except that every time we stopped and the cart flew forward on the rails, my sister “Wooo!”ed and I silently gripped the edge of the seat and tried to figure out how long it would take us to die if the car went off the rails, and, if so, what my last words would be. (Hint: “THIS IS YOUR FAULT” was winning big.)

After I staggered swiftly away from under the shadow of the rollercoaster, the worst moment of the day was over.

Almost.

WHOSE RESPONSIBLE THIS.

Seriously, I cannot tell you how creepy this thing is in person. I am not generally a superstitious person, but I absolutely refused to even touch it, because it just looks like the sort of thing that you would yell at a horror movie character for going near.

(Avoided epitaph: APPROACHED OBVIOUSLY-EVIL PARK FIXTURE DESPITE KNOWING BETTER.)

Luckily, after that, it was time for the aquarium, which is not quite as freakish; the sadness is just that the populations of some of these dish are so threatened that the only place that’s safe for them is an enormous fish tank where people stare at them and BANG THE GLASS LIKE A BUNCH OF ASSHOLES TO TRY TO GET THE FISH TO LOOK OVER OH MY GOD I HATE YOU, TOURIST COUPLE.

But other than that, everyone was happy!

…as you can see!

These penguins were having a fight. Later they made up and buzzed a school of very serious-looking fish at what looked like 80 MPH.

Wheeee!

This seal swam around at a pretty good clip, too. Then it took a nose-dive into the sand. (For a quick nap?) Then it woke up and kept rolling along. Ah, the wonders of the sea!

To conclude: Coney Island was lots of fun. I need to get some research in on the last few minutes of the Warriors so I can nerd out more next time. (Chances of anything from 1980 still being there and recognizable? We’ll find out!)

Oh, PS:

There you go. Sleep tight, kids!

(All pictures courtesy of my sister, who is very good at them. The one time she handed me the camera, she got back a series of impressionist blobs. Of stationary objects. I don’t even know.)