It’s the beginning of Halloween season! I’ll be nerding out at regular intervals between now and then, navigating the dangerous maze of commercial costumes and costume patterns.

Today’s Costume: Tudor Lady.

Two reasons this dress has a lot of vague knockoffs: it’s expensive and time-consuming to make; also it’s hot as BLAZES, oh my GOD, if you go outside with one of those on any time before October 31 you are basically a ticking time bomb of heatstroke.

In previous years, Simplicity has tried to get you to believe this is Tudor wear.

Simplicity was wrong. This is like The Other Boleyn Girl level of costuming.

However, they have stepped up their game recently. This is their Tudor offering this year.

NICE.

Let’s look closer.

There are some nitpicky things here; there are princess seams on the bodice, but they’re hidden under the arms, so I’m fine with it. The separate undersleeves look great, and the underskirt is separate and has a false front, and looks like it’s cartridge pleated, even, so really, I’m pleased as punch.

Part of the reason it looks so good is because of the suggested undergarments:

IT’S A CHEMISE IN THE WILD, YOU GUYS.

Ignorance Alert: I know nothing about historical costume, compared to anyone who’s actually studied it. That said, from a glance at this, I have a feeling that it’s cut a little low; in the portrait of Mary Tudor I’m using, it looks like there are tiny dots of blackwork above the neckline of the gown, where the chemise is visible.

Besides that little nitpick, this is PRETTY AWESOME. If you look at the envelope back , they even have Ye Olde Arme Gussets (the little triangle insets in the armpits that let you lift your arms):

(Ignore the hoop skirt. We can only make so much progress in a year.)

Please note I know nothing about costume, and this could all be totally incorrect, and it turns out Mary Tudor would cut a bitch before she would ever put on a tight-sleeve chemise. However, I do think that puffy sleeves became more fashionable in the Elizabethan era, when you had a more exposed cuff and upper sleeve than the Tudor sleeve, which is just like a coat for your arm or something, I don’t even know who decided you should drag three yards of fabric around on each arm, I don’t make the rules. If I did, we would have costume museums, all of which would be titled Pajamas Through the Ages.

So, long story short: Tudor ladies this season should be picking up those Simplicity patterns pronto. Happy sewing! Post pictures! I will be at home in my pajamas, waiting to see how it went.

So, the Emmys happened! I don’t care who won. I came for the dresses.

This entry is ENORMOUS. Dial-up is not safe beyond this cut tag.

The good, the bad, and the ugly!
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Last weekend, my sister came to town. In my endless quest to pretend I am a hip young person and not a hopelessly misanthropic homebody, I tried to pick an activity that would be “amusing”. We settled on Coney Island.

FUN FACT: Times I have watched The Warriors: at least a hundred, not even joking.

Times I have been to Coney Island in the many years I’ve lived in this city: Zero.

I’m embarrassed, too.

My sister somehow convinced me to go up on the Wonder Wheel. Now, I know this will shock many of you, but I am not a huge risk-taker. This includes all Wonder Wheels. On the other hand, there is nothing like a withering glare from someone who thinks you are a total dorkwad to convince you lay down SIX DOLLARS for a chance at an epitaph that says FROM THE FERRIS WHEEL TO GOD’S EMBRACE.

This sign did not comfort me.

Sure!…YET.

An elusive glimpse of freedom through the flimsy cage of my imminent doom.

GAZE ON YOUR DOOM. It’s like Cthulu, if Cthulu was a rickety rollercoaster being operated by a half-asleep park employee.

I actually did have a good time on the Wonder Wheel, mostly, except that every time we stopped and the cart flew forward on the rails, my sister “Wooo!”ed and I silently gripped the edge of the seat and tried to figure out how long it would take us to die if the car went off the rails, and, if so, what my last words would be. (Hint: “THIS IS YOUR FAULT” was winning big.)

After I staggered swiftly away from under the shadow of the rollercoaster, the worst moment of the day was over.

Almost.

WHOSE RESPONSIBLE THIS.

Seriously, I cannot tell you how creepy this thing is in person. I am not generally a superstitious person, but I absolutely refused to even touch it, because it just looks like the sort of thing that you would yell at a horror movie character for going near.

(Avoided epitaph: APPROACHED OBVIOUSLY-EVIL PARK FIXTURE DESPITE KNOWING BETTER.)

Luckily, after that, it was time for the aquarium, which is not quite as freakish; the sadness is just that the populations of some of these dish are so threatened that the only place that’s safe for them is an enormous fish tank where people stare at them and BANG THE GLASS LIKE A BUNCH OF ASSHOLES TO TRY TO GET THE FISH TO LOOK OVER OH MY GOD I HATE YOU, TOURIST COUPLE.

But other than that, everyone was happy!

…as you can see!

These penguins were having a fight. Later they made up and buzzed a school of very serious-looking fish at what looked like 80 MPH.

Wheeee!

This seal swam around at a pretty good clip, too. Then it took a nose-dive into the sand. (For a quick nap?) Then it woke up and kept rolling along. Ah, the wonders of the sea!

To conclude: Coney Island was lots of fun. I need to get some research in on the last few minutes of the Warriors so I can nerd out more next time. (Chances of anything from 1980 still being there and recognizable? We’ll find out!)

Oh, PS:

There you go. Sleep tight, kids!

(All pictures courtesy of my sister, who is very good at them. The one time she handed me the camera, she got back a series of impressionist blobs. Of stationary objects. I don’t even know.)

There is no element of the origin of this meme that is not amazing.

Please note: the link I provided is work safe. If you click on the link to the original article, discussing the story in question…there be dragons.

(I am sorry in advance for my future overuse of “WHOSE RESPONSIBLE THIS” at any possible opportunity.)

ETA: Wow, people waste no time these days. Enjoy WHOSE RESPONSIBLE THIS. It is what they call the best of the best.

So, I was half of a review-off over at Fantasy Magazine, where I turned in what turned out to be the more charitable of two reviews of 9.

It’s a little more forgiving than my Nine Questions, mostly because I had a few hours to sit back and examine whether I would watch the movie on TV, even on mute, because of the visuals. The answer was Yes, so the movie got scored almost entirely on the strength of its design and animation. (And also because Christopher Plummer was in it, and that dude’s a stone fox.)

In fact, the movie reads less like a film and more like a video game, where the POV character must do something stupid-yet-necessary in order to set up the gameplay, and then fight a series of enemies, pester other characters or return to home screen for more information, and build up enough Knowledge and Agility points to face off with the Big Boss at movie’s end.

Game-players of the world, please note that though I continue to think the above observation is true, you can probably tell by reading it that the last video game I played was called up with a DOS command. Mea maxima culpa.