I’ve been on the lookout for a nice conspiracy theory to get behind, and this is a perfect blending of my interests: namely, actors, and things in museums.

The theory: Keanu Reeves is immortal and/or a vampire.

The proof: HIS FACE. Also, this painting:

Technically, this is actor Paul Mounet, who died in 1922 under mysterious circumstances and didn’t leave a body behind.

…BECAUSE HE’S KEANU REEVES. (Bad actor in the last century, bad actor now. IT’S LIKE MAGIC.)

At last, believing that the moon landing happened and that Elvis is actually dead is no impediment to having something totally irrational I can champion relentlessly! (Hint: This is probably not that irrational. That dude hasn’t aged a day since My Own Private Idaho. Or since 1847, I guess.)

I wanted to tune into White Collar as soon as I heard it was a funny, lightweight show about smart people outsmarting other smart people. I like a few of USA’s other shows, but they tend to be like Psych, where smart people outsmart dumb people, or like Burn Notice, where I just can’t stop staring at the raw sinew in Gabrielle Anwar’s neck. (You were so awesome in The Three Musketeers! Why did Hollywood tell you that you had to weigh 80 pounds?)

(Enjoy this visual metaphor for everyone’s relationships!)

And all told, the pilot was kind of awesome.

Spoilahs!
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I don’t think I’ve mentioned this yet, but I have an Author Spotlight up on Fantasy Magazine. There are a couple of “Light on the Water”-related questions, and then some questions that get right to the point:

What childhood stories scared you the most?

One of the early volumes of Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark has a story about a girl who wakes up one morning to find that spiders are hatching out of her face. It is not the kind of story anyone should bring to Show and Tell and read to an eight-year-old arachnophobe.*

Read the rest over at Fantasy Magazine!

* Dear author of this story, if you are reading this: That messed me up FOREVER. THANKS A LOT.

Over at Fantasy Magazine today, I talk about the movie Legend, and how despite its many missteps (piss off, Tom Cruise), Lily is kind of awesome.

And if you’re so inspired, costume-wise, may I recommend:

It’s pretty darn close to the original, no?

(I’m secretly really excited about this! Did Legend get really cool again and no one told me? Because I have a sweatshirt with a unicorn on the front and the MOMENT Legend is back, I’m wearing that shit.)

(Also, obviously the dark Lily costume is way better, but I think that’s a lot of engineering for a Simplicity pattern to tackle. No one wants to turn that pattern over and under Notions see “Chicken Wire, Buckram, Rhinestones [100,000].”)

And finally, a picture I couldn’t resist, via the amazing The Costumer’s Guide:

Nice job capturing the moment, continuity Polaroid!

So, Damian Lewis (an amazing British actor who came to America’s attention after Band of Brothers and Life) is in a stage play with Keira Knightley. He’s also a diplomat. When asked what he thought of Keira’s acting, he said:

Damian Lewis is positive that Keira Knightley will do a terrific job when she makes her debut on the West End stage.

…”She’s got quite a successful acting dad and playwright mum, so she can handle herself – Keira is fabulous, she’s an absolute sweetheart – she’s looking forward to it as well so we’re going to have fun,” he said.

1. Dude, that is MASTERFUL.

2. That is exactly how I feel about Keira Knightley, and many other actors of her ilk. People try the “But she seems so nice!” angle, and that’s hard to argue – Keira was in a domestic-violence awareness promo, she doesn’t stagger around drunk a lot, she seems nice. That doesn’t mean she can ACT, though! She is a bad actor! This is the profession she chose, and it’s sort of her duty to be good at it, you know? People don’t continue to hire shitty accountants.

(Liv Tyler is another one. She’s a very sweet person and a good citizen and everything, but girl cannot emote to SAVE her LIFE. And Natalie Portman, who sometimes shows promise but can easily go through three movies in a year without acting even once! Sean Penn, Al Pacino, Angelina Jolie…you know what, this list will end up being eight hundred people long. I’m stopping.)

ANYWAY, I feel the same way about some of the Game of Thrones cast (which is nearly finalized, and which I wrote up for Tor.com yesterday). Going down the names, which is like Awesome British Actor Camp Varsity, it’s like, “Yes! Check! Check! Awesome! Go! Great one!…wait, really?”

I like Lena Headey as Sarah Connor, I do. I just don’t know if she’s so hot in the period-piece arena. A lot of actors aren’t, and that’s fine, but sometimes an actor doesn’t know that until it’s too late and they’re like Ray Liotta in the Dungeon Siege movie, you know? That hurts everyone.