Shimmer has released The Clockwork Jungle Book! I’m in it, alongside flisters Amal El-Mohtar and Rajan Khanna and a bunch of other awesome writers. (Also, the cover just kills me, it’s so awesome.)

My story is titled “A Garden in Bloom,” and follows the adventures of a shipping magnate who knows just what to do with his disposable income:

The day Pieter van der Rijsen received news that he had made his fortune, he commissioned the garden.

It has as much faith in humanity as you would expect, coming from me! (…yeah.)

Apparently my favorite Fred Astaire/Ginger Rogers number, from Carefree, has gotten the chop, so I can’t repost it here and talk about why Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers remain one of my favorite screen pairs of all time. (Hint: because they are awesome.)

Also, good news: the movie was slightly better than I remembered, because at least Fred wasn’t the guy who clocked Ginger. (The rest of the movie makes no sense. Never has, never will. There is a whole song about yams! There’s nowhere you can go from there!)

Instead, I will show you this awesome miniature clip-show of them set to Cake’s “Love You Madly,” which gives the casual passerby a sense of what they could do together (hint: ANYTHING THEY WANTED, THEY WERE AWESOME).

ETA: This is on my mind because the Turner Classic Movies channel is having a Fred and Ginger marathon today, for anyone in the US who feels like tuning in and enjoying!

Okay, I had so many issues with this movie I cannot even begin. Luckily, this covers most of them. The line report, movie notes, and me freaking out, below the cuts!

Please note: in the interest of thoroughness, this post is epically long. My bad.

The line was smaller than last year (because we went to a smaller theatre), and we stood calmly in the back-and-forth of velvet ropes. For an hour and a half. (Hint: after an hour and a half, no line is calm.)

At 11:55, the theatre door opened and people streamed out. One of them was carrying a life-size Jacob cutout, which she had to hold over her head as she stepped over the ropes to the exit, because people kept reaching out to touch it. She totally beaned at least four people on her way out. When someone asked, politely, “Where did you get that?” she grinned and smarmed, “Early screening. Invitation only,” and swanned down the escalator.

At the realization that the theatre had scheduled an advance screening that didn’t let out until five minutes before their intended screening, the volume level rose sharply.

When, ten minutes later, the theatre doors opened again, there was a stampede.

Women leapt over the velvet ropes, elbowing one another out of the way. Screams erupted as people got smacked. Sharp shouts of “Hey! HEY!” came from people near the front of the line, who were trying not to get trampled by the wave of people. Someone tripped, and was tripped over. Someone screamed, “Watch my poster!”

It was over in maybe twenty seconds, but holy shit, you guys, those fans are NOT KIDDING.

And then it was time for the movie.

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So, after I gave a stab at being vaguely professional over at Tor.com, Fantasy Magazine offered me a chance to drop all pretense. I gently turned them down, saying, “There really wasn’t that much more of the movie to make fun of.”

Then I laughed and laughed, and wrote them Ten Things You Should Know about New Moon.

7. There is a dreadful shirt shortage on the La Push reservation. Luckily for young werewolves who shred their clothes when making the transformation, the forests of the Pacific Northwest are an excellent natural source of jean cutoffs.

Still to come: a blow-by-blow of the evening, including the stampede, which will never stop being horrifying/funny.

My review of New Moon is up at Tor.com.

I’ll have more to say about this movie, later. (Oh, do I EVER have more to say about this movie.) But for now, read and know that, as you read this, this movie is screening to sold-out theatres across the land. Just…think about it.