The movie-savvy have 21 seconds to understand why this movie makes me so sad. The casual movie- watcher will probably figure it out around 1:02.

Oh, MICHAEL FASSBENDER.

You were in Fish Tank, then you were in Hunger, and then someone said, “Have you seen that guy who made Doomsday is making a movie where those poor, put-upon Romans are violently attacked by those nasty, ungrateful Picts whose land they’re invading?”

And Michael Fassbender said, “I didn’t! Pass me the script!”

Dear Michael: I’m not mad, just disappointed. It has nothing to do with my expectations; you should expect more from yourself. And you should breath five times into someone’s airway if they’re unconscious before you start compressions. (I dunno, I sort of run out of motherly advice in a hurry.)