Today at Tor.com, I talk about SyFy’s new reimagined-fairy-tale movies of the week. First up will be Beauty and the Beast (naturally), starring Estella Warren (naturally).

Do I think this will be awesome? Yes. But it has some serious work to do if it’s ever going to compare to the most amazing version of this story ever broadcast, and I think you know which I mean.

This one. (Immortalized here on Greendale Elementary’s picture day.)

Now, this show is not amazing for its overall storyline (which was three ounces of story in a two-gallon jug). Nor is it memorable for its individual episodes, which tended to be like the 90s remake of The Tomorrow People, in that almost every episode featured someone new learning about the underground society that has existed in secrecy for decades, except that judging by the discovery rate on the show, by now everyone in New York probably knows about it and just doesn’t realize it’s common knowledge because it doesn’t come up in conversation. The Underground Renaissance Faire: New York’s best-kept secret.

But neither one of those is the element that makes the show truly timeless. That would be the wardrobe.

To be fair, the show is somehow too sincere to really demonize, and some aspects of it still hold up. I like the adherence to the Beast of the classic myth, where his appearance is ghastly but he is, at all times, tenderhearted. (This made him too static for a long-form TV show, but still.) I like that Linda Hamilton was over 30 when they cast her, because I seriously don’t think that could happen these days. But my prevailing thought about the show over the years has been, “MAN, were those the 80s.”

Oh, were they EVER the 80s.

No joke, this is one of the most Late-80s images I have ever seen. (This started out as Hogwarts, now it’s Lord of the Fliiiiies!)

But she’s not the only one dealing with some 80s.

This is one of Catherine’s super-rich boyfriends. This is what he’s wearing when we discover he’s evil. (I think we knew that, sir.)

This dude cannot take the 80s for one more second. Hang in there, guy!

Plus, he’s hardly got the short end of the wardrobe stick here. Let’s talk about the people who live underground. It makes sense that they have to make do with whatever, but seriously now:

A too-big blazer (sure thing) with handmade, layered epaulets draped from the shoulders(…).

And we have not even gotten to Vincent, who committed to the idea that it was 1650 down in the tunnels like nobody else could have.

He’s just keepin’ it casual for his morning jog, is all.

Thank you for all of this, show. And I mean that.

Though I think with all Vincent’s jabot-flaunting, when we look for a true fashion victim for the ages, we’re looking at this one:

I would be making that face too, Linda Hamilton. You took one for the team this time.

“Best screencaps in the world” credit goes toClassical Alliance.