You guys, Priest comes out this week.

I have been looking forward to this movie since at least the beginning of the year, when I pointed out that Paul Bettany and Maggie Q soulfully walking in slow motion and/or clutching at each other would probably sell at least one ticket, even if the director was the same guy who directed Legion, which to this day is my rubric against which all other shitty films are measured.

Well, the time has come for me to either put my money where my mouth is, or pay for an indie film and sneak into Priest’s cavernously empty theatre instead, which might be the best thing, since the last thing we should do is encourage this director to make any more movies, ever.

Let’s hope he used so much money lighting the desert on fire behind Maggie Q that they’ll never recoup costs and he’ll be out of a job. Let’s also hope that Paul Bettany doesn’t go down with him, because that man can act, and he does not deserve to go out like this.

However, if the pictures under this cut at all represent the movie we are in for, then Paul Bettany might want to consider firing his agent, because YIKES.

I will say that, despite all the reasons this movie will suck, this is not one of them:

Maggie Q is currently burning up the small screen in Nikita, which is very awesome, and I have to say that it’s really nice to see that her designation here is Warrior, and that she is fully clothed both in the poster and in her boss production still up top. (You’d think this is just baseline stuff, but let me remind you, Sucker Punch got made.)

Full disclosure: The other poster of a ladyperson is of living Macguffin Lily Collins, and is labeled KIDNAPPED, one assumes because VICTIM would be too spoilery. Baby steps! (If they both survive all the way to the end, I will be amazed. Unless one of them is pregnant; that shit was better than a Kevlar vest in Legion. As I am typing this I am realizing how I should probably not give this movie my money.)

Someone who would agree with me about that is Karl Urban, who needs to fire his agent more than almost anyone I know:

However, in this film he is the chosen representative of the Ham-Off Delegation, and so he has Scenery-Chewing Immunity and must not yet be discussed as per the Curry-Walken Bylaws, which require the film to be viewed before the comparative cinematic value of the Ham-Off can be determined.

Instead, let’s examine the quality of action scenes we can expect!

Oh good lord, I am never going to stop laughing.

Sorry, Paul.

(Above: Paul Bettany, by now so emo about having signed with this guy for a two-picture deal that he’s actually wince-crying on the poster. Not pictured: a photographer halfheartedly shouting directions about how Paul should move his vestments into the draft of the tiny floor fan that was all they could afford from the money that was left.)

This movie is going to be TERRIBLE, you guys. Don’t worry, I can’t let something this juicy go unwatched; it’s just that by now, I know what I’m in for.

I will be reporting back as soon as I can bring myself to see it (so, Saturday?). In the meantime, enjoy this preview, because sometimes a priest in a Blade Runner city just has to ignore Christopher Plummer, suit up in his hovercycle, throw on his Elvish cloak, and ride right into the smoldering shambles of a Western.