(Note: I originally wanted to pretend I watched this as part of my research for the story I have upcoming in The New Adventures of John Carter of Mars. However, two problems with that: one, my story doesn’t even have John Carter in it, so that’s a non-starter, and two, it seems even weirder to pretend this has any value as an object of research than it does to just admit I saw this movie in one of my many horrible SyFy movie binges, with no academic intentions whatsoever.)

I keep wanting to write up Princess of Mars, that SyFy classic while avoiding the whole essay about how what works on the page can be tricky to adapt, and that even a small misstep can stand out as being odd, and part of the reason book-to-movie adaptations often fall short of expectations is because of the inherent different between word and sight, and you know the drill.

Luckily, in the case of this movie, everything is terrible forever. Problem solved!

Actually, that’s not fair. Every once in a while there would be a shot that I appreciated:

But for every shot of a decent alien sky, there is, unfortunately, a shot of Antonio Sabato, Jr.:

And with that facial expression, you can pretty much tell how this movie’s going to go.

Not that that stopped me from making more pictures of it!

I think what this movie boils down to is that the budget was tight, and it shows. Not just in the awkward plot updating (instead of a Civil War vet, he’s now in Afghanistan, and the bad guy turns out to be a Middle Eastern double agent, naturally!), not just in the special effects (though, yikes), but there just seems to be a paucity of everything – dialogue, energy, pacing, the works. It makes for the sort of bad movie that’s by turns screamingly funny and secondhand-awkwardness inducing.

The mantis-esque Tharks are introduced!

People are menaced on a green screen! (Click to enlarge.)

In one of my favorite special effects of all time, John Carter does a majestic leap onto the ship, looking like a pillbug that got pushed down the front stoop:

As captive princess Deja Thoris, Traci Lords does about what you would expect from Traci Lords. Her best scene might be the one where she pretends to be locked into this eighth-grade balsa-wood construction project:

(In my favorite MST3K episode of all time, Quest of the Delta Knights, our heroes are kidnapped by a band of Robin-Hood-esque fellows and put in a tree prison that is basically a platform with a couple of vertical branches halfheartedly bent around it. As soldiers approach the next morning, Crow comments, “Hey guys, thanks for not breaking the sticks.” I’m just saying.)

The climactic action scene, shot in the boiler room of Oak Glade Elementary:

This scene also includes one of the greatest moments in all of cinema, in which Traci Lords has clearly been told to play air keyboard intently until they get the shot they want, and she totally does it for far longer than any human should ever be forced to play air keyboard, so she’s a godo sport, but you can tell the point at which she doesn’t know why they’re asking her to do something so weird, and that point is about two seconds in. (Anthony is sleeping. Sssh!)

(Costuming nerds will also note Leia’s Slave Outfit from Ricky’s.)

But when we come down to it, this movie can really only be measured in motion; the true flavor of the acting and the cadence of the script is just impossible to capture otherwise.

Enjoy this brief excerpt as John Carter and the princess Deja Thoris begin their tentative dance of trust, two cultures and races coming together against a common enemy, even as John Carter hopes he can somehow find his way into her heart.