That’s right; while other people were holding vigil for religious things, I was worshipping at the altar of Cinema. And of Windows Movie Maker, which, let’s face it, is only slightly more useful than a stick when it comes to editing.

By now, everyone knows about Il Fantasma.

Part One of the review is here.

Part Two? Right here.

Okay.

Abridged Classics: Il Fantasma dell’opera. Part One.

Just remember, this hurts me a lot more than it hurts you. Until the rat sex. Then it probably hurts you more. (My soul is already dead, so it can’t be hurt again.)

Of the many horrible things one deals with while watching this movie, you’d think that a terrible script, lack of acting, and lack of general coherence are some of your biggest hurdles. Sadly, you would be wrong.

Asia Argento is a very special young lady (who, at 18, let her father cast her in a movie that required full nudity and included non-consensual sex, which, have some therapy, maybe!).

You know what else she is? The world’s WORST LIP-SYNCHER.

The middle portion (she’s in the blue suit) might be half-a-second lagged on my version, but I honestly don’t remember, because the lip-synching is SO AWFUL that it’s impossible to tell.

Maybe they spent all their money on that pipe organ and could only afford one take of all the singing stuff. I don’t know. They clearly couldn’t afford any video footage of people actually singing opera. Or singing, period.

DAMN YOU, prohibitively expensive underground pipe organ! DAMN YOU.

So we know that the Fantasm de Nastypants is amazingly bad in terms of special effects, convincing screaming, and poolfights.

You know what else is awful about this movie?

The script.

These lines are not dubbed, so it’s not even like they’re lame because the dubbers had to match lip movements. They’re lame because someone seriously wrote down “the river of time and space” and someone else approved it and then someone else SAID IT. ON PURPOSE.

Guess what I just finished watching.

My only regret is that you can only watch it for the first time once. Never again will I watch this scene and say, "Holy crap, is he unbuckling his pants?" and not know the answer.

Hint: Yes.

More on this movie later, when I have more coherent thoughts.