So, I’ll be doing the episodes of The Pillars of the Earth one at a time, since it’s all my ancient laptop can handle before Netflix crashes my computer for the night.

The good news is, this kind of comedy gold is worth every frustrating moment. I’m going to hit five things in every episode worth watching it for. I’m not going to slap it behind a spoiler cut, I guess, since the book’s been out for twenty years. (Also, this is so unrelated to the book that it wouldn’t matter in any case.)

Look at those hostage eyes. You know you’re in for a treat!

Five Reasons to Watch Episode 1 of Pillars of the Earth.

1. It’s a ham-off. Basically, a bunch of seasoned actors all got together and said, “YOU GUYS, HAM-OFF ON SOUNDSTAGE 6,” and everyone was like, “HOLY CRAP CAN I WEAR A STUPID WIG AND/OR WIMPLE?” and everyone else was like, “IT IS REQUIRED,” and they all broke huddle to go dress like idiots and then meet back up and see who could deliver the hammiest performance of all time.

2. That competition is going to be tiiiiiiiight. Right now I give the edge to Sarah Parish, but that might just be the wimple. THE JURY IS OUT.

3. The pacing is so awful I can’t explain it in words. We open on a flaming shipwreck; the next scene is labeled “18 Years Later.” We see Ian McShane telling Brother Matthew McFayden (looking sad not to be participating in the Ham-Off) that he can make him a Prior, if Prior McFayden would one day make him bishop. Brother McFayden agrees. CUT TO all of them in church and McShane announcing that the old bishop has just now keeled over, what a shame, time to elect a new one, as Prior McFayden clutches his pearls.

THOSE SCENES ARE NEXT TO EACH OTHER. Did anyone ever teach anyone in this production how to develop suspense for more than thirty seconds? Anyone?

4. At one point, one of the bad guys leads a raid on Donald Sutherland’s castle (sure). His troops have been ordered to murder, pillage, and rape their way through the castle. Donald Sutherland comes into his overrun keep, sees that things are not going well, decides to surrender, and calls out, “Stop!”

EVERYONE STOPS. Like, bad guy soldiers literally stop mid-molest and step back to wait politely for whatever happens. (These filmmakers do not know a lot about how battle works, I guess. Or acoustics, or history, or anything.)

5. This miniseries is so far afield from the books that it’s basically left them behind entirely and is now just medieval soap-opera soup, so there’s literally no knowing what will happen. Which at least means that if you read the book, you can still be surprised! By…almost all of it!

Tonight, Episode 2. I CANNOT WAIT.

The Pillars of the Earth premiered on Friday! It’s based on the Ken Follett bestseller, which means that, as with any Ken Follett book, there will be a lot of research into the topic, many people will die in gruesome ways, and women will do ridiculous things at all times for no reason.

Still, that book was my jam when I was 11, so I thought I might as well check it out, since it’s got every ham actor who ever hammed. It’s an Ultimate Ham-off!

After seeing the first episode, I can tell you with authority: this is the kind of Ham-Off they will write about for a hundred years. And by “they” I mean “me,” and by “a hundred years” I mean “for the next three weeks.”

I mean, the cast aside (Rufus Sewell, Ian McShane, Donald Sutherland, Sarah Parish, just for starters), the subject matter is perfect for half-starved scenery-chewing. I think most of what I’ll be doing the next three weeks is developing a drinking game for this thing, because I suspect it will need it.

For those who doubt how much cheese you can get in less than two minutes of footage, I give you a vaguely-spoilery trailer!

Tomorrow, Episode 1 (A New Ham-off)!

For Fantasy this week, leading up to this weekend’s release of Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland, I look at nine of the most famous, skillful, or notorious movie adaptations of Lewis Carroll’s Alice books.

Watching all nine adaptations in quick succession had two effects on me:

1. I realized that, even though I’m not the biggest fan of the books, it really is a story perfectly suited to film. Most books suffer in translation from paper to screen, but not Alice; since the books themselves are a breezy series of visual metaphors and hidden meanings, there’s almost nothing about it that doesn’t work in film, and it actually allows a filmmaker to use the story as a wholesale metaphor for something else entirely and still maintain the tone of childlike discovery. That doesn’t mean it can’t be disturbing – it absolutely can (I will never, ever watch Neco z Alenky again, ever*) – it just means that the story is more fluid than I would have thought for intentionally plotless nonsense that’s had a hundred years of being a cultural checkpoint going against any sense of freshness, and I enjoyed a lot of these more than I expected to.

2. I was trippin’ balls, dude. I recommend most of these be seen at a maximum rate of two a day, lest you suffer from a glut of wonderment and end up diving for the Euclid just to read about something that makes some sense.

I recommend the 1915 version above all; I’m pretty sure it’s the best one yet made.

However, the best moment in any of them, for my money, is from 1998′s shoestring-budget Alice Through The Looking Glass, in which Kate Beckinsale (back when her face moved) and Ian Holm (as the White Knight) sit together, and the White Knight tells her his tale. The tale is illustrated in silent-movie fashion (Ian Holm as Buster Keaton: SOLD), including fuzzy-audio interludes, and Ian Holm basically gives a five-minute masterclass in dramatic reading.

It’s very quiet, and very weary, and very, very good. If you have a few minutes, it’s highly recommended.

Tim Burton’s Alice goes under my knife this weekend, and the review should appear early next week. After the clips I’ve seen, my feeling right now is: We’ll see about THAT, Burton. I hope he proves me wrong.

* Seriously, this movie has been retroactively added to my list of “Oh, I Don’t Think So” won’t-review movies over at Con or Bust. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to find some other way to make me suffer, though – go bid!

Sorry for the radio silence; there was work and then family and then writing and then I looked here and realized how long it’s been since I posted. (The Sherlock Holmes posts are miiiiles late.)

Tonight, though, writing takes a back seat, and I’m finally sitting down with the director’s cut of Kingdom of Heaven. I’ve put it off for a while because the theatrical version was so horrible I made a Choose Your Own Adventure out of it. However I had heard that the difference was striking, and knowing how much difference it makes for the director’s cut of Blade Runner not to have the voiceover, I thought I might as well see what Ridley could do with more hours in his day. (And he has to have more hours in his day then normal people, since this version looks about four hours long.)

After watching it for two minutes, I can already tell this is going to be amazing, if not for the quality of the film, for Ridley’s little video essay up front promising you how much better this version is going to be than the theatrical version. I laughed, you guys. That is awesome on so many levels. What would have happened if they’d said no? I can picture him going door-to-door with a copy of the movie. “No, it’s organic character development! Just give it a try!”

Full report to come.

This month’s Top Ten at Fantasy is Fantasy’s Top Ten Ham Jobs.

Things to know:

1. That is the bluest pun I have ever worked in my LIFE.

2. This list was so hard to narrow down to just ten, you cannot even imagine. There are three dozen actors gnashing their teeth and ripping scenery to shreds right now because they just missed the list. (These people include David Thewlis in Dragonheart and Ray Liotta in In the Name of the King, both of whom were just stellar, but David Thewlis was too lethargic to chew scenery with the necessary aplomb, and Ray Liotta will come to my house and yell at me if I make him angry, so they both get a pass. THIS TIME.)