Today at Fantasy Magazine, I run down the Top Ten Magical Realism Films, which doesn’t sound quite right, but Magical Realist sounds like a wizard who’s like, “Listen, I can summon the beasts of the ocean, but my day job is in Indiana, so you tell me.”

One of my favorites on this list is Lawn Dogs. It’s a modern fairy tale in the good sense and the bad, in that uneven way where the concepts sometimes outstrip the dialogue, and some of the visuals are awesome and some are heavy-handed. (The suburban parents are perkily banal! He’s a free spirit because he dives off bridges naked!)

On the other hand, in the opening scene where Mischa Barton’s character is making sugar-cookie-girl-with-raisin-bellybutton cookie drones for her Brownies equivalent, and her parents are talking about super-suburban nothing in the background, a fly lands on one of the cookies and she looks at it a moment and then grinds it into the cookie alongside all the raisins. A moment like that…sets the right tone, let’s say.

I remain surprised this movie isn’t more popular (though it was hard to come by for a few years, so it’s not like anyone had a chance to stumble upon it). It was one of the first times I saw Sam Rockwell; I looked this up after seeing Galaxy Quest and realizing Rockwell was the guy from The Green Mile and thinking he was probably pretty awesome in his other stuff, too. (Hint: he is.)

So, a few people have asked if I’ll be covering the red carpet for this year’s Oscars. Answer: As long as people are looking good and/or sartorially embarrassing themselves, I will be there. However, I’m probably not going to watch the telecast. Partly, this is because the Oscars are boring. But mostly this is because the Oscars are so out of control that watching the show is just painful.

Frankly, the Oscars lost me the year Cate Blanchett lost the Leading Actress Oscar to Gwyneth Paltrow. (Just look at that sentence! Say it out loud! Then realize WHAT ARE YOU EVEN SAYING RIGHT NOW.) Obviously the Oscars are overtly political, but I hadn’t realized that anyone in the Academy was actually willing to give Gwyneth Paltow an acting award under any circumstances, much less choose her on purpose while Cate Blanchett was in the same category. That’s just embarrassing.

This year, I’ve been spared the pain of watching the most deserving person lose an Oscar, because the most deserving person didn’t even get nominated. (New and different, at least!)

Sorry, Sam Rockwell.

When Moon came out, I loved it. I reviewed the movie positively, but there’s a reason I tagged it “Sam Rockwell Needs an Oscar.” He delivered the best acting of the year, and it’s a shame to see that he fell victim to the “only one newcomer every year in Best Leading” rule. They broke it for Best Actress, but apparently weren’t willing to do for Best Actor, too. I mean, I saw Up in the Air, and I think that George Clooney, as usual, delivered a great performance…that does not deserve an Oscar this year. Plus, George Clooney will get another shot at it (probably next year!); Sam Rockwell is generally a character actor, and might never again have a leading role this visible.

I’ve loved Sam Rockwell since he was in Lawn Dogs. I’ve only grown to love him more since then: In 1999 alone, he was in Midsummer Night’s Dream as a mechanical, The Green Mile as the worst person on the planet, and Galaxy Quest as Guy Fleegman. Anyone who aces all three of those knows what he’s doing, you know?

Obviously, people are ignored for exceptional work on a regular basis; that makes the world go ’round! But I was so thrilled after I saw Moon, because it was the kind of performance that wins Oscars, delivered so beautifully that it never occurred to me that he wouldn’t be on the ballot. Oh, well. Rockwell, you’re on the ballot of my heart.

ETA: From the “Not a Moment Too Soon” Files: Gwyneth Paltrow to play Marlene Dietrich. Hollywood, we JUST talked about this. Come on.

Oh, MICHAEL FASSBENDER.

You were in Fish Tank, then you were in Hunger, and then someone said, “Have you seen that guy who made Doomsday is making a movie where those poor, put-upon Romans are violently attacked by those nasty, ungrateful Picts whose land they’re invading?”

And Michael Fassbender said, “I didn’t! Pass me the script!”

Dear Michael: I’m not mad, just disappointed. It has nothing to do with my expectations; you should expect more from yourself. And you should breath five times into someone’s airway if they’re unconscious before you start compressions. (I dunno, I sort of run out of motherly advice in a hurry.)

Damian Lewis is positive that Keira Knightley will do a terrific job when she makes her debut on the West End stage.

…”She’s got quite a successful acting dad and playwright mum, so she can handle herself – Keira is fabulous, she’s an absolute sweetheart – she’s looking forward to it as well so we’re going to have fun,” he said.

1. Dude, that is MASTERFUL.

2. That is exactly how I feel about Keira Knightley, and many other actors of her ilk. People try the “But she seems so nice!” angle, and that’s hard to argue – Keira was in a domestic-violence awareness promo, she doesn’t stagger around drunk a lot, she seems nice. That doesn’t mean she can ACT, though! She is a bad actor! This is the profession she chose, and it’s sort of her duty to be good at it, you know? People don’t continue to hire shitty accountants.

(Liv Tyler is another one. She’s a very sweet person and a good citizen and everything, but girl cannot emote to SAVE her LIFE. And Natalie Portman, who sometimes shows promise but can easily go through three movies in a year without acting even once! Sean Penn, Al Pacino, Angelina Jolie…you know what, this list will end up being eight hundred people long. I’m stopping.)

ANYWAY, I feel the same way about some of the Game of Thrones cast (which is nearly finalized, and which I wrote up for Tor.com yesterday). Going down the names, which is like Awesome British Actor Camp Varsity, it’s like, “Yes! Check! Check! Awesome! Go! Great one!…wait, really?”

I like Lena Headey as Sarah Connor, I do. I just don’t know if she’s so hot in the period-piece arena. A lot of actors aren’t, and that’s fine, but sometimes an actor doesn’t know that until it’s too late and they’re like Ray Liotta in the Dungeon Siege movie, you know? That hurts everyone.

(717%, people. Either that movie was much, much better than it looked, or he was not popular at ALL before this.)

You go, dude; I hope this makes up for being ousted from Wuthering Heights because of the unforgivable decay time has visited upon your dessicated corpse.