I am a huge fan of the yellow robe-type outerwear, and I really love how it’s cut to fill the frame.

Some of the rest of it…well.

Things get interesting.

The first photo from this movie showed a too-innocent Snow White in a wonderfully acidic setting that hinted at a subversive take on the story. This set leaves me with a little less confidence, both for the story (which I was prepared for – Snow White can get a bit gummy), and, more importantly for me, in the visuals (and it is something I have always felt in his previous films; no matter what else might go wrong, I am never at a loss for gorgeousness).

The big reveal here is, I suppose, the previously-unseen Wicked Queen, here played by Julia Roberts in what I feel comfortable guessing is some serious miscasting:

That is some seriously determined cartridge-pleating in the skirt, and I dig the court gown influence:

(photo source)

And while in theory I also dig the “JE SUIS LA REINE” feeling of this dress:

I just flat-out do not like it, and the close-up doesn’t help, because while I like the gauntlet sleeves more, I like the fabric less, AND this picture also shows another angle on Snow White’s first dress that I also don’t like. This picture crushes dreams!

(Maybe the whole film will have acidic, super-saturated lighting and everything will immediately look great. This is my hope.)

The kids’-cartoon feeling I get from these two dresses does not diminish whatsoever when one takes a look at the Queen’s second-in-command (who is apparently the one she sends into the woods to kill Snow White, which is smart, because in a kingdom full of huntsmen and soldiers and knights and mercenaries, this is definitely the person I would send to do some cold-blooded killing).

Check out the chevron effect on his bias buttonholes! That’s a nice detail.

The Prince makes out slightly better in the dude-clothing department, in what looks like a changeable-taffeta riding coat with a little steampunk-buckle action in front:

Meanwhile, Snow White has been hanging out with her seven outlaws/miners/supporting companions, whose costumes completely baffle me. Are they supposed to be crusted with dirt? Are they lava monsters? I know nothing. (Nice colors on Snow, though that doesn’t really balance out the questions this picture poses.)

At least she gets to practice a little swordplay, it looks like. You kick some ass, Snow!

And of course, no fairy tale is complete without the heroine being overdressed at a formal event!

It seems remiss not to mention this dress when looking at the dress above:

However, Bjork looks a million times cooler than poor Snow up there, partially because Bjork can carry off whatever she feels like, and partially because when it came to this outfit, even Bjork was like, “You know, let’s stay away from hats.”

However, as we iris out on this whole event, we see that Snow White is not even the most unfortunately-dressed person at this party.

The lady to her left, dressed as Pink Marshmallow Pavlova, has it worse. So, so much worse. That is going to be an awkward party for her when the society pages come out.

I honestly don’t know what to think here; Tarsem Singh has never turned in a dull-looking movie, so part of me wants to wait to see these in motion (and with the acidic lighting, or something) before I make a call. On the other hand, I dislike more of these costumes than I like, and Nathan Lane, Assassin for Hire, is giving me pause. But let’s be honest, if this is a great movie I will probably enjoy it, and if it’s a terrible movie I will probably also enjoy it, so I’m going to luck out either way on this!

I have been looking forward to this movie since at least the beginning of the year, when I pointed out that Paul Bettany and Maggie Q soulfully walking in slow motion and/or clutching at each other would probably sell at least one ticket, even if the director was the same guy who directed Legion, which to this day is my rubric against which all other shitty films are measured.

Well, the time has come for me to either put my money where my mouth is, or pay for an indie film and sneak into Priest’s cavernously empty theatre instead, which might be the best thing, since the last thing we should do is encourage this director to make any more movies, ever.

Let’s hope he used so much money lighting the desert on fire behind Maggie Q that they’ll never recoup costs and he’ll be out of a job. Let’s also hope that Paul Bettany doesn’t go down with him, because that man can act, and he does not deserve to go out like this.

However, if the pictures under this cut at all represent the movie we are in for, then Paul Bettany might want to consider firing his agent, because YIKES.

I will say that, despite all the reasons this movie will suck, this is not one of them:

Maggie Q is currently burning up the small screen in Nikita, which is very awesome, and I have to say that it’s really nice to see that her designation here is Warrior, and that she is fully clothed both in the poster and in her boss production still up top. (You’d think this is just baseline stuff, but let me remind you, Sucker Punch got made.)

Full disclosure: The other poster of a ladyperson is of living Macguffin Lily Collins, and is labeled KIDNAPPED, one assumes because VICTIM would be too spoilery. Baby steps! (If they both survive all the way to the end, I will be amazed. Unless one of them is pregnant; that shit was better than a Kevlar vest in Legion. As I am typing this I am realizing how I should probably not give this movie my money.)

Someone who would agree with me about that is Karl Urban, who needs to fire his agent more than almost anyone I know:

However, in this film he is the chosen representative of the Ham-Off Delegation, and so he has Scenery-Chewing Immunity and must not yet be discussed as per the Curry-Walken Bylaws, which require the film to be viewed before the comparative cinematic value of the Ham-Off can be determined.

Instead, let’s examine the quality of action scenes we can expect!

Oh good lord, I am never going to stop laughing.

Sorry, Paul.

(Above: Paul Bettany, by now so emo about having signed with this guy for a two-picture deal that he’s actually wince-crying on the poster. Not pictured: a photographer halfheartedly shouting directions about how Paul should move his vestments into the draft of the tiny floor fan that was all they could afford from the money that was left.)

This movie is going to be TERRIBLE, you guys. Don’t worry, I can’t let something this juicy go unwatched; it’s just that by now, I know what I’m in for.

I will be reporting back as soon as I can bring myself to see it (so, Saturday?). In the meantime, enjoy this preview, because sometimes a priest in a Blade Runner city just has to ignore Christopher Plummer, suit up in his hovercycle, throw on his Elvish cloak, and ride right into the smoldering shambles of a Western.

From what I understand, the plot makes no sense. I have heard some spoilers about the plot that, if true, will lead to one of Those Reviews. However, looking at the lobby cards, you wouldn’t know this movie has any plot! At all. Ever.

Lobby cards for movies in which a lot of plot happens usually try to convey mood using location, lighting, costume, and actors (Inception). Lobby cards for movies with a bad plot try to focus on the fact that the actors in the movie are smexy and you should go stare at them (The Tourist).

The lobby cards for this movie are a work of art, because there is not a damn thing here that makes any sense.

(I will not even get into the tagline on the poster – “Love Is Never Ugly” – right now. I will address it after I have confirmed this nonsense straight-up.)

Now, let’s reach into the grab bag of plot points!

We begin, as it turns out, in an episode of Gossip Girl: Undercover, where chiseled 28-year-old rogue cop Smarm Jones (Denis Leary, front row) is investigating the most mysterious case of his career.

This Case is Going to Get…Beastly.

For a while, his deep-undercover ruse works. The other students adore his too-short waistcoats and junior-ear art project self portrait.

But danger is just around the corner, as Smarm falls deeper and deeper into a criminal underworld of corporate synergy he must outwit…before it’s too late.

His biggest threats are Christina “Please Don’t Think We Were Influenced By Lady Gaga, Because We Weren’t” Stevens, head of Drama Club:

“You just don’t UNDERSTAND my self-expression, MAINSTREAMER.”

And Missy “Miss Terious” Marks, who may be on Smarm’s side – or may be the most dangerous trap of them all.

“Buy my album!”

He meets Missy at a low-budget nightclub that is apparently not taking place in a gym:

She seems to know more than she’s saying, but before he can find out what’s up:

A music video breaks out!

While dragging Missy away from the danger, her feet flailing wildly in an attempt to execute the choreography, he runs through a slightly sub-par tattoo parlor and a glass door.

This unfortunately ends his undercover career, but he’ll be damned if he’s not going to see this case through.

However, he’s beginning to suspect that the turning point of this conspiracy might just be the dame he’s falling for.

But then Smarm gets a visit from his known snitch, Frames “CBS Films produced this movie and also the TV show I’m contracted for, sorry about this role” McGee.

And his news shakes Smarm’s world – and his belief in love.

“Buy my album?”

Bu the time for music is over. Smarm has lost his chance to be an undercover cop, Inked Magazine scouts won’t leave him alone, and this rogue cop is going to do what it takes to break this synergy ring once and for all.

She’s played her last game of “Just kidding, I’m on your OTHER side.” Oh yes, she has.

This case…gets BEASTLY. This weekend! (I will be there, with bells on.)

I thought this impression was just a result of the very serious styling of the promo photos. After watching this trailer, I’m beginning to wonder if we are actually going to get that movie after all. If not, the trailer people were messing with me. My illustrated thesis follows.

First of all, let’s just call this now:

There is a point at which subtext becomes just plain text. I think X-Men: The Last Spring has just reached that point. But will their love survive?

Let’s find out, shall we? (Spoilers for the trailer under the cut.)

For Your Consideration: Best Melodrama Featuring Eight Hundred Million Fight Scenes of the Year.

Their remote estate, which we’ll say Charles inherited, since he’s the yacht aficionado in the family.

And the escapees from Supporting Actor Camp!

Among them are Moira, a worker at the Trench Coat Institute, who walks out for moral reasons and then realizes her life has passed her by…

And Chiseled, who works in the boiler room of the Titanic, where it’s so hot that the sleeves on his hoodie melted clean off.

And then Hipster Hank, who keeps giving Erik the glad eye between shots of absinthe.

The ladies dig a tippler:

But Erik isn’t so thrilled with the idea that his love is unrequited:

Will their love bring them together…or tear them apart?

(Spoiler: apart.)

Charles is not happy with all the kissyface going on behind his back and people turning into mutants and not even telling him to his face like a normal husband would.

Erik’s turtleneck distracts from his lie-filled peepers.

Desperate to put their relationship back together, Charles and Erik take a weekend trip to a David Lynch movie:

That goes about as well as expected.

But their relationship is about to be tested by something more dangerous…

…eight hundred thousand bombs rocketing towards their yacht club.

Explosions! Planes! Fight scenes! Mutant powers everywhere!

But even then, Erik will soon find out that the most frightening thing of all…

…is losing someone you love.

The actual trailer is below; I think all the slo-mo and dramatic music just helps my case, frankly.

This is also technically a Costume Nerdery post, because of how everyone is dressed in clothes from the past. It happens.

(Photo note: they all have identifying information on the bottom, which I preserved, because I get to bust them on something. Also because I am lazy.)

Spoiler alert, by the way, in case you haven’t had time to read the book in the last 150 years.

Warning: There are some bizarre facial expressions going on under here.

First of all, I’m guessing the setting of this is the early 1840s (lookin’ at you, The Governess), given that the young ladies are all wearing the tighter sleeves and relatively calm silhouettes of the 1840s and Mrs. Reed is still rocking the almost-unbelievable-yet-it-actually-happened 1830s Monster Sleeves.

At least she looks duly embarrassed by it all.

But you know, as unappealing as this silhouette may be, this dress is a pretty impressive recreation of the style, right down to the bodice gathering and the overkill of fur stole AND paisley shawl.

The kudos continue with our heroine, Jane, sneaking into the Gryffindor house late at night.

The evening-dress neckline demurely filled in with an embroidered dickey or chemise (CHEMIIISE), the seaming on the bodice, the hair, is all just so.

Also just so: the upper-class Blanche Ingram, who is clearly a lady who relies on fabric and tailoring to make her point, rather than lace. which probably reminds her of her mother and/or her childhood, when there was so much frippery everyplace that it was a miracle if a girl ever made her way out. God, Mom, none of the other girls in school are wearing fichus, WHY DO YOU HATE ME?!

Please note where this photo identifies her as Holliday Granger. While this might hint at a surprise subplot in which Diana Rivers marries the rich lord next door and starts buzzing her siblings’ schoolhouse on her grey horse like Maverick screaming, “SUCK IT, PIETY, I’M RICH AS HELL,” it is actually a mislabeling of the Leia-bunned and improbably named Imogen Poots.

This is a better look at her. This is also a better look at Michael Fassbender totally fucking confused why he is having to hold a feather in the vague direction of Imogen Poots. (Imogen is also questioning this entire tableau, but at least she has a sharp pleated-collar stripey dress to fall back on.)

Enter the real Holliday Granger, with her off-puttingly luminous face!

She and Tamzin Merchant are picture-perfect together, frankly, from the collars to the skirt length.

I am beginning to have hopes that, even if the movie is thematically underwhelming, it will be the first Jane Eyre adaptation in which costume enthusiasts can flip through old fashion plates and Patterns of Fashion books and find every single costume in there.

Also present: St. John Rivers!

He’s played by Jamie Bell, here manfully regretting whatever possessed him to agree to be in The Eagle.

This picture cracks me up:

It’s the slightly guilty-slash-forcibly innocent looks on their faces. This isn’t The Borgias, kids, slow it down and leave some room for the Holy Spirit!

(Spoiler Alert: They are the Rivers, so there is probably more than enough room for the Holy Spirit.)

Look at Tamzin’s lace collar dickey riding up out of her serviceable day dress! Be still my heart.

Speaking of:

Michael Fassbender, looking a little too much like Paul Bettany in The Young Victoria for comfort, seems to be attacking the role in Full Perv.

Sometimes it works!

Here, he charms Jane.

Here, he charms Jane so hard that she spontaneously Photoshops two extra coils of wig-braid on herself.

WE ARE AT 115% PERV, YOU GUYS.

But you know what?

Surprise Judi Dench and her double-collar dress are not having any of it. Perhaps this will finally be the version of Jane Eyre in which Miss Fairfax slaps Rochester right in the face for being such an asshole. I would pay to see that movie. I’d pay twice.

Basically, the ruling here is: all the costumes look spot-on, even when they are so spot-on they are not lovely, and I am starting to actually look forward to the movie that comes out of promo shots like this.

I mean, I’m not impervious to multiple shades of blue in a shot of a lovely girl in a texturally interesting dress! I’m not made of STONE.