Genevieve Valentine » I Am a Spazz

The Palm Pre Woman is the Madonna. No, really!

Genevieve — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 03:37:10 +0000

Okay, apparently a lot of people really get creeped out by this lady:

She’s in the new Palm Pre commercials. Most of you know her because when she comes on the TV you recoil.

For once, I was NOT creeped out by something airing on TV! In fact, the first time I saw her I found her face to be oddly soothing. It took me about ten seconds to figure out why.

Also, this one time I was an art history nerd.

It’s because everything about her – the background, the lighting, even the arrangement of her hair – reminds me of my favorite Madonna and Child painting, by Fra Filippo Lippi:

I have no real reason to like this Madonna more than any other. There’s just something wonderfully serene about her expression. Plus, the costuming is amazing (what? I am a nerd, what can I do?):

I will continue to smile at the Palm Pre commercials, because one time someone used the Madonna and Child as an excuse to paint a pretty lady.* The end.

* This is one of my favorite through-lines of art history, this ostensible “worship” of the Madonna in art pre-Renaissance, when really all the painters were just like, “FINALLY, an excuse to paint pretty women in opulent clothes and work on vanishing-point perspective! Somebody bring me a rich dame and some black-and-white tiles, IMMEDIATELY.”

It is you who are anxious!

Genevieve — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 14:08:30 +0000

Some days you look over a story and realize your dialogue goes exactly like this. Then, for obvious reasons, you start the scene again from scratch.

(Despite being an excellent illustration of my problem, this really is one of my favorite MST3K moments of all time.)

Spud Gun: The Tuber-ening

Genevieve — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 01:09:37 +0000

I am a huge costume nerd. This surprises exactly no one. However, sometimes I go a little over the top and have to rein it back in before people picket my house with signs like SHUT UP ABOUT BUSKS. Traditionally, is responsible for picking topics that provide appropriate counterpoint to these costume ramblings. His response to the latest overdose appeared in my inbox promptly:

The spud gun.

It shoots potatoes. There’s some engineering mumblemumble about combustion vs. pneumatic, but all of that pales when you look at this glorious machine. That clean PVC construction, that random crank on the side that I can only assume adjusts power from Baby New all the way up to Yukon Gold.

This gun makes everything in the world even better. No matter how cool you think something is, it’s cooler with a spud gun.

Proof.

In my love affair with the spud gun (and the little hands attached to it that I didn't bother erasing,) I applied it to some boring scenes in costume-heavy movies. The transformation is amazing.

“Life is fun again!”

We start with an easy open: ANYTHING would have made Van Helsing better. In this case, Kate Beckinsale loads up the family’s ceremonial spud gun with her man-hands and gets to beast-hunting.

Of course, you don’t have to use the gun. Sometimes, it’s the perfect way to simply make a statement.

And that statement is, “I don’t want to marry the French king, okay? Damn.”

Or, when you do want to marry a king and you just have No Patience for anyone from Middle-Earth making an objection:

Sadly, Sam Gamgee fell victim to friendly fire once he realized what the ammo was and tried to reach into the barrel. He was laid to rest in Idaho Memorial Gardens.

Did you fall asleep during Pride and Prejudice? Well, not any more!

Which one of Lizzy’s intolerable sisters is she going to clock with her mastery of the spud gun and her physically impossible set of extra, tiny appendages? Whichever one it is, she’s clearly looking forward to it; look at that face.

Bonus: nobody wants to marry a chick with a concussion, so this entire miniseries ends up about 45 minutes long!

Michelle Pfeiffer knows how to play the Deadliest (Parlour) Game:

Of course, the spud gun doesn’t just elevate the cool factor of corseted ladies. Even badasses benefit from a little tuber action:

He has little tentacles with tiny hands on the end. That’s how that works.

And best of all, with proper supervision, this three-handed gun is child-safe!

“Bastien, you little shit, throw a Empress name our way or you’re getting a Russet right in your face!”

(Sadly, that didn’t happen. I will maintain to the end of my days that it should have. Bastien sucked.)

Though I would never attempt to construct a spud gun myself, much in the same way as I would never attempt to construct anything that required anything more than an Allen wrench, I have a newfound respect for them and the value they bring to the lives of those brave enough to wield them. Soldiers, I salute you!

Notes from the Trek Captain-off

Genevieve — Wed, 13 May 2009 14:59:33 +0000

So, last night some people talked about Kirk v. Every Other Captain Ever, for values of “every” that included “Picard and Adama, and also Janeway one time.” I wrote it up for Tor.com

I do think that the lack of discussion on some of the other captains was largely a time issue; if we’d had another hour, hopefully we’d have hit Sisko, Janeway, Archer, and Babylon 5. (And Farscape. And Galaxy Quest. And Farscape.*) However, it was really sad to see Sisko get handwaved away, half-jokingly, as “not even Trek.” I didn’t watch the show religiously or anything, and Picard’s my favorite captain, but damn, give a dude time to make a case for himself!

(You can ignore Archer if you want to. His theme song had lyrics. There’s no good can come from that.)

Anyway, by all means hop over to Tor and weigh in on your favorite overlooked starship captains, because even if you had a character named Tuvix, you deserve a day in the sun.**

* Seriously, the dynamics of a crew when there’s no clear captain and the ship pilots itself and is sentient enough to refuse some assignments as too dangerous? I’m in for that chat!

** I still think the Tuvix episode was awesome on paper. It just…Kate Mulgrew is not cut out for Captain’s Logs, and that guest star was cut out to chew scenery, and it just fell down on the job. Which, in fairness, can be said of the whole series. Amazing premise!…that fell down on the job.

Genevieve — Sun, 10 May 2009 14:55:11 +0000

There’s a bird outside my window whose spring call is, “Wheeeee!”

It’s hilarious and adorable, and I wanted to play Amateur Ornithologist and find this bird out, so I hit the New York City Birding Wiki ID Template, which has this helpful image guide on its front page:

Fuck you, Not an American Robin! You’re such a poser.

(I imagine an actual American Robin sitting at some Internet Cafe, furiously banging out the image code.)

Also, my little tweeter is a European Starling.