Okay.

Abridged Classics: Il Fantasma dell’opera. Part One.

Just remember, this hurts me a lot more than it hurts you. Until the rat sex. Then it probably hurts you more. (My soul is already dead, so it can’t be hurt again.)

Of the many horrible things one deals with while watching this movie, you’d think that a terrible script, lack of acting, and lack of general coherence are some of your biggest hurdles. Sadly, you would be wrong.

Asia Argento is a very special young lady (who, at 18, let her father cast her in a movie that required full nudity and included non-consensual sex, which, have some therapy, maybe!).

You know what else she is? The world’s WORST LIP-SYNCHER.

The middle portion (she’s in the blue suit) might be half-a-second lagged on my version, but I honestly don’t remember, because the lip-synching is SO AWFUL that it’s impossible to tell.

Maybe they spent all their money on that pipe organ and could only afford one take of all the singing stuff. I don’t know. They clearly couldn’t afford any video footage of people actually singing opera. Or singing, period.

DAMN YOU, prohibitively expensive underground pipe organ! DAMN YOU.

So we know that the Fantasm de Nastypants is amazingly bad in terms of special effects, convincing screaming, and poolfights.

You know what else is awful about this movie?

The script.

These lines are not dubbed, so it’s not even like they’re lame because the dubbers had to match lip movements. They’re lame because someone seriously wrote down “the river of time and space” and someone else approved it and then someone else SAID IT. ON PURPOSE.

Guess what I just finished watching.

My only regret is that you can only watch it for the first time once. Never again will I watch this scene and say, "Holy crap, is he unbuckling his pants?" and not know the answer.

Hint: Yes.

More on this movie later, when I have more coherent thoughts.

The fourth-best man-raised-by-rats movie in the world is currently winging its way to me. Friday night will be the first viewing, post office willing. Friday night +30 minutes is probably when I will turn it off for having too much gore. (I’m a weenie.)

The best part of this picture is how grumpy he looks, as if all he wanted was to swan around with his velvet cape in peace, and the cameraman totally ruined his afternoon.

I am so excited about a new movie. I don’t like going to the theatre and, when I have time, I find myself rewatching old favorites just as often as looking for new movies, so sometimes three months go by without me seeing a new movie. I NEVER watch horror movies, and even action movies have to be pre-approved, since a lot of them just raise my blood pressure. This movie is a huge departure for me, and I am only going to watch it with the understanding that it has a responsibility to be hilarious. If it weirds me out and I have to stop watching I’m going to be really sad. However, with promo stills like the one above, I think it’s smooth sailing for the Laugh Boat.

However, I am SUCH a dork about this new movie that I am already thinking about writing up my favorite movies – some of which are good, some of which are awful, some of which tread some horrible line in the middle that I can never figure out – and display my questionable taste to the world at large. I’m thinking that Thursdays will be Questionable Taste days until I run out of favorite movies.

So as of tomorrow, it’s Questionable Taste season!

Movies Already Questioned

1. The Polar Bear King – a tale of a life-size animatrionic polar bear puppet, and the woman who loved him.

2. The Warriors – the story of a bunch of apeshit-crazy gang members who kick asses on a desperate run from the Bronx to Coney Island.

ETA: 3. The Red Shoes! Man, how could I forget the “kids’ movie” that turned me into the freak I am today. The box cover says it all, people.