Turns out, telophase had a doozy.

Aabra Ka Daabra is a Bollywood children’s movie not at all reminiscent of Harry Potter or Charlie and the Chocolate Factory or anything, OKAY, so STOP ASKING. Featuring “amazing” 3D effects, according to the box; this is technically true, but probably not in the spirit they intended.

Please note that, because I have no idea how you even go about screencapping a 3D movie in 2D, I have done what I can to ameliorate the 3D effects in the screencaps, but some scenes I will just have to describe because the 3D was so amazing that it was basically an Impressionist painting.

However, that does mean that the screencap quality and the film quality are both lacking.

Thank you, Flying Carpet Class teacher.

So many pictures…so many things to talk about.

So, our movie opens with this visual effect (not kidding):

Actual visual effect.

The wand rises (heyooo) and begins to tell us of the sage who made it, long ago, and founded a school for magic, the venerable and extremely serious academic institution Aabra Ka Daabra. But of course, because you know those ladies, a woman challenged his power:

…FABULOUSLY.

A terrible fight ensues!

…We are left to assume!

(It’s not a terribly exciting fight. It was, however, not unlike the Wizard-off in Fellowship of the Ring, which says more about Peter Jackson than about this movie, I think, if we’re being honest.)

The sage was defeated, but he held on to his magic wand, and someday a hero shall come to claim it, etc, we know the drill.

Roll credits! Comic Sans only, please.

This was the last credit, and while I don’t deny Anupam Kher has earned the title of “Above All,” I also sort of hope he just snuck onto the computer and wrote that in himself.

Meanwhile, hundreds of years later, our hapless hero Shanu arrives at his wizarding school in the middle of the night, alone, because sure.

He’s immediately confronted by a hostile bouncing ball! When he threatens it, the ball turns into the disgraced groundskeeper and magic-school dropout (ding!) Limbu.

(In case this facial expression concerns you, know now that “subtler” was never a direction given to any of these actors, at any time.)

After apparently spending the night on the steps of the school (they never mention what happened to him that whole night! This movie cares not!), Shanu has to report to the evil headmistress, who looks exactly like the evil sorceress from hundreds of years ago but is not, as we can clearly see from this portrait of Great-great-great-great-Grandma Evil hanging in the Headmistress’s office:

Also hanging in the Headmistress’s office, a day player who’s in the middle of a punishment!

But when Shanu enters, the fun’s over, and the headmistress summons Zulu, her purple flying dismembered head demon, to show Shanu around the school.

(Featuring amazing 3D effects!)

Literally three seconds later:

Worldbuilding? Please. That’s for movies without these groundbreaking special effects! (A clever ruse, though, movie, I’ll grant you that.)

And now, for a smug antagonist and some loyal friends!

The hair is so bad that the teachers call him “the blonde kid” at regular intervals. Also, his signature move is to wipe his nose aggressively, at which point wind chimes always play. We’ll assume that any nose candy in this movie happens only in the Chocolate Factory interlude (we’ll get there).

He demands that the new kid prove his magic; Shanu does the old “punch this hand as hard as you can, but the noise will come from somewhere else” setup that means Thug Assistant 1 ends up clocking Thug Assistant 2 right in the kisser. (Blackmailing a groundskeeper and making his enemies beat each other up? This is already more savvy than Mr. Potter had for, like, three books.)

These are the friends, Pinky and Dinki. I was pleased that they were both girls and seemed to have active personalities, until I realized Dinki’s personality trait was “hungry.” It’s literally her only one. During the flying carpet capture the flag fight, someone tosses an apple at her and she drops the flag to catch it and eat it. It’s one of those.

The teaching body is in an uproar about this one-dimensional characterization!

Or not.

In levitation studies, Shanu is the bestest and can concentrate right away (ding!); Antagonist Kid manages to lift the teacher, to much amusement. But then the five minutes allotted to classes in this movie are up, and it’s time to break into the traditional Daily Magic School Paint Balloon Fight and Tug-of-War Musical Number!

(Pinky is noisemaking happily for Antagonist and his gang. No one calls her out on that rude-ass teamswitching, but I will, because that shit is not cool, Pinky.)

With that out of the way and no overarching theme or plot or scene of dialogue yet to emerge (ding!), it’s time for the next five-minute class, Flying Carpets, taught by that teacher everyone had who thought she was the Cool Teacher with her thumb on the Pulse of Youth Trends and probably said you could call her “Ms. M” or whatever.

Agreed!

(Actually, this is in reference to the kids who answer her question about the purpose of magic carpets. Pinky suggests it’s to see all the beauty of the world, which is, of course, correct. Antagonist Kid suggests they use it to catch pigeons and mimes tearing their heads off, and then is super surprised when it’s termed Very Bad, which, really? I mean, you can say that all you want, but at no point are people going to listen to that idea and not say, “That’s kind of a Very Bad idea, Kid with Glittery Highlights.”)

Still, it’s time to fly! Shanu and Antagonist Kid are, of course, the best in class.

But all is not musical numbers and flying carpets at Aabra Ka Daabra school of magic! Shanu’s nights are filled with sorrow.

(Above, the Pose of Sorrow, struck under the Purple Flowered Bedspread of Sorrow.)

You see, his extremely 3D father whose scenes I couldn’t screencap well was a Houdini-esque magician, whose trick of a lifetime was being locked in a box and thrown into the ocean without any kind of safety line or emergency buzzer or anything. To no one’s surprise, he didn’t come up again. Melodrama for everyone!

Here, Shanu’s mother and uncle argue about the future of the family. Also, subtly, this actress is hoping to drum up some bigger-budget roles.

Shanu, for his part, sees a commercial on TV for a contest being sponsored by Camlin school supplies and Parle-G chocolate (sure), where they offer full tuition to the children who find the golden tickets (ding! For a completely different movie!).

Shanu and his mom are in for a long bout of dreaming and hardship. You know what that means! Musical number.

(Not visible without access to the amazing 3D special effects: all of those flying objects are enormous sweets, including one cookie that, judging from the scale, is about five and a half feet long.)

To no one’s surprise, Shanu finds the very last ticket, and declares his intention to enter the magic school that everyone knows about and is not at all secret, so that he can learn magic and no one can ever again say his father was a fraud! Mom cries. Music soars.

(Also, I have to say, if someone drowns during a magic trick, and all you can say about it to his widow and child is that he must have been a fraud, you’re kind of a dick, right?)

Meanwhile, Limbu is in his very-high-production-value magical lair, making a magical friend because he’s so lonely (there are lots of issues this movie maybe should have explored and never did).

Friend not pictured because of extreme 3D-ness, but if I say “Casper,” you’ll have a good idea, because that little dude is fucking exactly Casper. His name is, I believe, Tu Tu, though that might just be the sound he makes. He will spend the rest of the movie delivering extremely important plot messages that no one ever listens to the first time, even though everyone uses him for their most important secret messages, so I am not sure why they all assume he’s out to punk them constantly, but at some point that turns into my problem and not the movie’s problem, so let’s move on.

He’s surprised by the arrival of Shanu, Pinky, and Dinki, who want to snoop around for kid-movie reasons. He gives them magic marbles that, when held in your mouth, make you invisible. (Dinki is warned repeatedly not to eat it, because of course.)

With their 3D invisibility in place, they follow the evil headmistress out to the woods for no particular reason, only to discover she has a hidden lair! They follow her inside, where they immediately spit out their invisibility marbles, as is the best strategy when you’re alone in your enemy’s stronghold.

But what is the treasure of this remote woodland stronghold?

It’s Shanu’s father! And he’s being held prisoner until he gives her what she wants most!

As awesome as that parenthetical is, it’s also not quite accurate, since as it turns out the concoction in question gives one eternal life instead, and THAT’s what she’s after, but not for herself – it’s so she can transport her soul into the bird that loves her best:

(Actual thing that happens. Sometimes it screams “I LOVE YOU” at her. I can’t help you. Nothing can help you now.)

And she knows he can do it, because as a flashback later explains, she saw him make it the very first time, using only magic and his Minority Report computer screens!

But Shanu’s father steadfastly refuses to do any such thing, which is apparently fine with her, because the potion is what she wants SECOND-most. She’s really after something else:

Rahul hates it when a chick can’t just be cool.

But he’s forgotten the powers of sorcery that are at her command! SEDUCTION POWERS.

In the movie, they go from standing six feet apart to neck-nuzzling instantly, even though the clothes are different. While this is the kind of movie where no one would be surprised by a lack of attention paid to continuity, there’s actually a deleted scene that makes more sense, where she tries to seduce him with a Musical Number.

It’s exactly as blurry and awkward as it looks, but it’s worth it for the faces of the kids:

Aces.

But despite Shanu’s worries that his dad is going to nuzzle the shit out of his evil headmistress, we know that’s not going down – because the evil stronghold has a portrait of the sage in it (because of reasons? I don’t know why you’d have a portrait or your archenemy in your stronghold), and he is NOT COOL with how this is going.

GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GRANNDAD IS DISAPPOINTED IN YOU, RAHUL, YOU BIG HORNY DUMMY.

As soon as Rahul has been shamed by Granddad Sage’s laser eyebeams into not sexing the headmistress (actually happens), it’s back to the dungeons, and back to school with the nosey trio, to contemplate the bittersweet joy of a living parent in magical captivity, but mostly to rest up for the magic carpet capture the flag game!

It’s all extremely 3D and full of Amazing Effects; take this Technicolor blur as a placeholder for this endless scene and let’s just all move on.

The stakes for this game included the winner’s right to roust the loser from the school. However, when Shanu is declared the victor, he opts not to punish Antagonist Kid at all, but instead to bury their animosity forever! (Antagonist smiles even though he knows this means he’s being dropped from the plot never to be seen again.)

And to deliver the prize, our item number!

*deal with it.gif*

He then sings a long song about acceptance and love, and vanishes without ever giving Shanu his prize! What a jerk.

Meanwhile, someone finally thinks to send Tu Tu to Shanu’s mom’s house to let her know her husband isn’t dead:

Shanu’s mom speaks for all of us.

Shanu’s uncle is swiftly dispatched to the magic school, where he presents himself as…a student? Or, a visitor? Something that requires a fake hypnotism as part of the room and board, that’s all I know, and we’re so awash in subplots by now that nothing matters any more.

Fall in love with the Cool Teacher? Sure, fine, see if I care! Be painful, bumbling comic relief for no reason? Be my guest!

(Though I will cop to cracking up when he comes into his room and sees his Very Magical Running Ostrich Statue:

I don’t even know why! It just happened.)

But now that all the helpful adults are in place, it’s time to face off against the evil headmistress!

First, they have to make their way through the dangerous forest to rescue the magic wand of the great sage, Shanu’s great-great-great-great-great grandfather!

AMAZING 3D effects!

After his granddad nearly kills his only two friends for getting flustered as they hover on tiny balancing stones poised above the endless abyss of death (weenies), Shanu is able to answer the Quest Questions (spoilers: God and love are the answers, NOW GIVE ME MY WAND, OLD MAN), they split up – Shanu and Bumbling Concentration Teacher head off to the stronghold, and the girls are dismissed back to the school, where they promptly gather the adults – including Bumbling Concentration Teacher.

DUN DUN DUNNNN!

Meanwhile, completely unable to guess that anything about this suddenly-creepy Bumbling Teacher who wants possession of the wand he’s carrying, Shanu sneaks inside the stronghold to greet his father, and finds him in an electrified cage.

You can’t! (YES, that was an MC Hammer joke. NO, I do not care.)

But the reunion is interrupted by Headmistress, who was temporarily posing as Bumbling Concentration Teacher! Then there are impossible-to-screencap flying carpets everywhere and she shoots at Shanu and one of her hands turns into a snake and bites Shanu who starts to foam at the mouth and have a seizure and Rahul scrambles to pull up his Minority Report screens and put the aphrodisiac together for his son because his son NEEDS THAT APHRODISIAC and the headmistress shoves the wand underneath her on the throne and cackles and the bird-girl screams I LOVE YOU and you begin to think you are hallucinating.

Luckily, they cut outside for a glimpse of the fight going on out there!

Actually happens.

Long story short (you should be so lucky), the headmistress is vanquished, Shanu is healed, the aphrodisiac destroyed, the bad guys beaten to a pulp, Rahul reunited with his wife, Limbu promoted to headmaster of the school, and all is well!

And now it’s a happy ending for everyone, except maybe Shanu, who now has That Cool Teacher for an aunt, which will probably get super annoying.

But, asks Zulu the purple flying skull who should probably not actually be interested in this, will Shanu return to school? What will happen to the magic wand? What happens next in this plot that I had apparently mistakenly thought was pretty much all wrapped up?

NOPE, I’M GOOD, THANK YOU.

1. I have a story in Wilful Impropriety, a Kathy Sedia anthology of YA Victorian fiction featuring some amazing TOC-mates! My story, “The Dancing Master,” follows a young woman’s preparation for her first Season, and actual quotes from Victorian etiquette manuals that dispel any mystery about how hard the Victorian era wanted to stifle its ladies, because YIKES. (More on this later.)

2. Speaking of YA, I have a story in Ellen Datlow and Terri Windling’s After (full TOC well worth looking over, I lucked out again in the TOC)! “The Segment” is about how the evening news gets made, and features a bear suit. (As happens.)

3. Thirdly, I am among some excellent company on this year’s Locus Recommended Reading List for both Mechanique and “The Sandal-Bride”. I’m honored and pleased.

There will be more catching up next week, especially a very belated return of Alan Alda, and with any luck, I’ll be talking about a very special Harry Potter knockoff. (Hoo boy.)

However, in a group interview with Movieline, Dermot Mulroney reminds us all not to forget that the heart of this film is the man on man on man on man on man action that cinema so desperately needs:

Dermot Mulroney: “I loved Jaws and Aliens and…Deliverance. So to me it read like those, I thought I’d like to be in a movie like that once, that’d be amazing. I’ve made a lot of movies that had both men and women in them, a lot of movies that were dominated by the woman’s storyline. And in this case it was a very different experience making the movie and enjoying the movie, when it was completed, because of the fact that there are no women in it… It was like thank God, I get to do a movie with just guys.”

Let’s get it out of the way that anyone referring to “actor” Dermot Mulroney needs to include those air quotes, so for him this quote stops, for all intents and purposes, at “thank God, I get to do a movie.”

Let’s also get it out of the way that Deliverance is a very…interesting film to reference in the context of two other films in which non-human monsters literally rip people to shreds.

Let’s also also get it out of the way that Aliens is, in fact, a movie about a woman who teams up with a small squad of Marines that includes two women to investigate an alien-riddled colony of which the only survivor is a young woman, and then proceeds to nearly-singlehandedly torch alien ass into oblivion.

I can’t help but picture Dermot Mulroney, sitting in the house that playing second fiddle to a bunch of vaginas all the time has bought him, wrinkling his nose and holding up scripts with two fingers as he deposits them carefully in a box labeled STORIES ABOUT WOMEN and a frowny face on them. He’s tired of it, don’t you see? He’s had to be billed under Sigourney Weaver, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Emily Watson, Emily Mortimer, and Glenn Close, and he BARELY edged out Anne Bancroft and Alfre Woodard that one time, and just a bunch of other bitches, all right? God, why is Hollywood so deluged with stories about women? Everywhere you look it’s just thoughtful, respectful, non-objectifying stories about the deep conflicts of women in a variety of situations that are never sidelined or belittled as being domestic or romantic, and Dermot Mulroney is TIRED OF IT. “Why can’t there be a movie about MEN, and THEIR concerns!”, Dermot cries, checking his junk casually just to get a look at some man-stuff before the day is over. When will Hollywood realize that men could be bankable, too, if only someone would give them a chance? Why won’t they give men leading roles? Why won’t these boardrooms packed full of women making all the key financial and business decisions that dictate the market and its gender attitudes finally stop asking for him to talk to women already? WHY?

No, seriously though, why.

I am pleased (?) to report that the Bafflement Trend of 2012 is still going strong. As usual, some people got the memo about it and some people just chose to look amazing, but that means there’s something for everyone to make faces at one way or the other, which is what a red carpet is all about.

Let’s open on a Full Baffle:

Kristen Wiig deftly avoided the choker+low-neckline Saloon Girl ensemble mistake (recently made by Jennifer Lawrence, sartorially breaking my heart every time she leaves the house). However, she instead chose a lovely dress with a neckline so high that it bangs against the choker when she walks, which has to be a red flag that you have chosen the wrong accessory for your dress. But that’s putting aside the even bigger flag that, amidst all the ’90s trends that are coming back, the choker is not one, for a very good reason, and that is because LOOK AT IT, KRISTEN. LOOK AT IT.

Moving on.

With Kristen leading the way as Unfortunate ’90s Bride, let’s just tackle all the brides at once, shall we?

BRIDAL DIVISION

Tilda Swinton, So Chic It Doesn’t Even Bother You She Didn’t Wear a Belt Bride.

Rose Byrne, So Chic You Decide Not to Laugh at Her Hair Bride.

Zoe Saldana, Got Her Bridal Portrait Taken in a Delightfully Ramshackle Designer Field Bride.

Viola Davis, Everybody Gasps Bride.

Judy Greer, Such Amazing Accessories You Can Just Tell You Wish She’d Fought Her Mom for the Grey Dress Instead Bride.

Kaley Cuoco, I Missed My Chance to Be a Debutante, but Not This Time, NOT THIS TIME Bride.

Julianna Marguiles, For My Second Wedding I Traded Up and I Am Ecstatic About It Bride.

Octavia Spencer, The Top Half is Actually a Great Cockail Dress and This Skirt Comes Off for the Reception Bride.

Kelly Osbourne, Oh, This Old Thing? I Found it at a Vintage Store, it Belonged to Jean Harlow Bride.

But of course, there were those who eschewed the bridal action in favor of the official color of New York City.

THE WOMAN IN BLACK DIVISION

Tina Fey, looking awesome.

Archie Panjabi, in a drapey bib I can sort of let slide, and some insets of a different texture that nearly put her in Bafflement except I liked her earrings so much she lives here instead.

Emma Stone. The dress is sort of wearing her, but it’s an adorable dress, so that’s not as big a problem as it could be.

Melissa McCarthy. I like the sequin inset and the drape of the bodice quite a bit. After Judy Greer, though, I sort of wanted a more colorful clutch purse here.

Emilia Clarke, who could have removed about three design elements before she left the house, except that without the platinum hair she’s not recognizable yet and she was trying to get her picture taken, so, mission accomplished. (The tendrils of hair getting snagged on her high collar have no such excuse.)

Amber Heard. I think it’s nice that she honored her love of comic books with a Strategic Bosom Cutout. (I love the rest of this look, but that chest fissure reminds me of every fight Rogue ever got into.)

Of course, a lovely color is more likely to be photographed, and no one’s in this for their health, so a lot of ladies went with color. Sometimes there’s only one color that happens over and over (looking at you, Yellow at the Golden Globes), but this time around there was actually a nice variety, and almost everyone looked good! Almost.

ROY G. BIV DIVISION

Michelle Williams. I actually really like the bodice details here, but if you’re going to have an asymmetric hem that shows your shoes, you should probably pick better shoes.

(Note: No yellow dresses. Nobody wanted to have the Golden Globes thing happen again.)

Emily Blunt. Man, were two-shoulder dresses subject to a fine this year? I’m honestly asking.

Ellie Kemper, who paid the $200 for a symmetric dress (in a really great color).

Jessica Chastain…existing inside this dress. (I really do not think there is a lot to her acting, and I cannot get behind this Keira Knightley-esque ubiquity.)

Diane Lane, in a gunmetal blue dress on which she did not have to pay the Two-Shoulder Fine.

Julie Bowen. The color is great, the tassels are great, the idea of the design is great. However, when the visual width of the shoulder treatment is about twice that of the skirt, it makes you look startlingly thin, and that’s pretty much all I take away from this outfit.

Regina King, in a dress so girly that Giselle from Enchanted stopped by to ask her to tone the ruffles down a little. (However, the color is amazing on her and she looks like she loves it, so it’s a win.)

Sofia Vergara. This is where the clutch comment comes back to bite me, because I wanted more interesting clutches, and she brought one, and the jade green is amazing, but the snakeskin is…pass.

Speaking of passing, passing right by this swarm of relative whippersnappers are the grand dames who have been playing this game long enough to either do it right, or not give a fuck. Both of these things are awesome.s

THE PLEASE, NEWCOMERS, PLEASE DIVISION.

Jessica Lange, wooing me effectively with sequins.

Glenn Close, working Full Glam to great effect.

Meryl Streep, “Oh, sorry, is this dress a little weird? I couldn’t quite hear what you said about it because I’m Meryl fucking Streep.”

People who do not deserve to stand within fifteen feet of Meryl Streep include everyone in:

THE GLEE DIVISION

Lea Michele, we know your vagina is famous. Put it away.

(Pictures of her always make me laugh, and then make sort of a sad face, because her public persona is Former Vegas Showgirl Trying to Prove She’s Still Got It, and I do not know why someone who is barely old enough to rent a car by herself needs that.)

Dianna Agron, in a beautiful color and classic shape.

Naya Rivera, who manages to make Bombshell look a lot more natural than some people whose names rhyme with Blea Schmichele, and who is singlehandedly subsidizing the double-sided tape industry this evening.

And Jane Lynch, who looks great in this. She has a tendency to pick a lot of dress and then look uncomfortable, but this is simple, nicely tailored, and the perfect color for her.

And of course, stranger even than Glee’s success, there is…the Bafflement.

BAFFLEMENT DIVISION

Gretchen Mol. The more I looked at this dress, the more I wanted to like it, and wish someone else had worn it, because for whatever reason, on her that collar just looks like Weightlifter Neck.

“I am going to this fancy acting event,” said Busy Phillips, flipping through her collection of beachy cover-ups. “If I wear a dress that’s only nice, no one will take my picture. And yet, I want them to! What am I going to do? WHAT am I going to do…?”

Heather Morris IS an extra from the wedding scene in Children of Dune!

Jennifer Carpenter. The thing about her dress is this: I completely see and accept the bodily-interior theme of the beading. Ribs and sternum outline? I’m with you. Boob flowers? If you insist. Pelvis flowers? Sure thing. But if you’re going to do that, you cannot stop at the knee. I want glittering tibia and fibia, I want another big circle with anchoring flowers at the side of the knee, I want the works. If you cut it off at the knee, it’s just a too-casual cocktail dress with pelvic flowers, and that, Jennifer Carpenter, is nobody’s friend.

So many dresses, yikes! And yet, this is just the tip of the iceberg. Head on over to Yahoo! (from whence these photos came) to check out the full spread!

What a shithole.

Shame, which I thought was an obvious awards contender for both quality and General Awardnesness, was utterly ignored. Drive has it even worse, with one piddly nomination for Sound Editing. (Shame at least got a nice clean cut direct; the Academy walked past Drive, turned around, came back, and flicked it right in the nose. That’s why Ryan Gosling’s face looks like that. That shit stings.)

In other news, we live in a world in which Puss in Boots is up for consideration for Best Anything, and Jonah Hill can now put “Oscar Nominee” in front of his name forever. Didn’t they understand what that means? You can’t take them back! No amount of 21 Jump Street can ever take that away! THE OSCARS INVITES YOU TO 21 JUMP STREET, OKAY? THAT IS WHERE WE LIVE NOW.

But that horror aside, the dual snub of two of the best films of the year seems especially cruel since the new 10-slot Best Picture slot had plenty of room for the appalling Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, the Are You Kidding Me With This The Help, and the middling Midnight in Paris, and still had a slot left over. They only used nine out of ten, and STILL wouldn’t nominate Shame or Drive. That’s sort of when you know that you’ll be in for an evening of watching Steven Spielberg and/or Martin Scorsese repeatedly take the stage and pretend like either of their nominated movies is anywhere close to their best. And that’s if you’re lucky. (Also when you knew that: as soon as those movies were announced. Be real.)

Amid rare victories (If a Tree Falls gets rightly nominated for Best Doc), there are other small outrages (Rooney Mara and not Tilda Swinton? I see), and some all-around sighing (so, we can nominate actresses of color…as long as they’re playing maids, I see, yes, that is an excellent thing to reinforce, thank you, definitely we should have more of that), but honestly, the movie that annoys me most in terms of the accolades being showered upon it is The Artist, because seriously.

Here’s why; very vague spoilers under the cut.

Despite its obvious Awardsness, The Artist, while always competent and sometimes clever, is the barest sketch of what it purports to be about; the hat-tips to Singing in the Rain are cute, but the movie rarely goes deeper than that. A slightly-dickweed silent-movie star is sidelined by the development of the talkies; he spends most of the rest of the movie drinking and feeling sorry for himself, while the young object of his affections rises to a potentially-interesting studio-system stardom we barely see, because her main function is to Love Hero. Jean Dujardin is clearly talented (though the dog was the most compelling aspect of this particular character), and Berenice Bejo is…there, but the movie was both jaded and blithely twee; the story and its central relationship are flat (unless you count the central relationship as Jean Dujardin/Uggie the Dog, in which case, it’s fine), and the eleventh-hour career solution is the kind meant to be an adorable, self-congratulatory transition to talkies, but only if you never, ever question it for one second; otherwise, the whole movie is a series of echoes of the early scene in which Our Hero shoves his leading lady into the wings so he can return and take another grinning bow himself.

The thing is, I don’t even dislike this movie because of what it isn’t. Silent film is a vast and complicated phenomenon that definitely deserves in-depth study, but not every movie that takes place in that era has to be that study. (Singing in the Rain wasn’t; then again, Singing in the Rain wasn’t trying to be.)

But like Berenice Bejo sliding her own arm into his tux so she can molest herself, this movie is too navel-gazey to be grand, too happy skipping to be sweeping. If it had gone for more complex characterization, or a smaller, better story instead of A Story of Art, The Artist might have been sweetly forgettable. As it is, it’s carrying the awkward burden of being Forgettable While Smug, which means that dog will be given its own musical number during the ceremony, just before it wins Best Picture for being a movie that’s proud of being The Movie about The Movies, while Tilda Swinton stands just backstage in her presenter’s dress, Watching, and Waiting.