I’m not sure who the actual winner of this event is (I think that doesn’t happen until Monday?). Since I have a different criteria than the judges of the pageant – they enjoy “bras that look like eyeballs” and I enjoy “Icelandic schoolmarm” – I wasn’t sure exactly how to go about picking a winner of my own.

I looked for overwhelming trends this year (including Nonsense Capes, Escape from Prom Island, I Was a Project Runway Challenge, and Shit You Have to Carry), but I finally stumbled across a picture that made me realize the difference between perception of these national costumes and their reality.

This is Japan’s national costume.

First of all, and I mean this: way to improve over last year, everyone. Sure, it’s completely over the top, but this is Miss Universe, not the Parade of Dignity, so whatever. And yes, she’s holding a fan as tall as she is, but hey, you guys got the memo about Shit You Have to Carry, so you’re just doing your job.

But, uh, here’s what it looks like in person.

In which pretty much no one learns a damn thing from last year, except Canada.

Miss Japan is working the crap out of it, don’t get me wrong, but without the photo-shoot lighting and eye line, you sort of get the feeling that she was forced to carry that fan because it was supposed to be balancing on the bow-bedecked samurai pole and it just didn’t work out.

Please note that she was far from the only poor soul who had some ungodly prop shoved into her hands/strapped to her back/dropped onto her head at the last second.

Peru

Poland

Jamaica

Kosovo, looking completely awesome and you know it. (Note an early appearance of the Nonsense Cape, which we will get to in a moment.)

Mexico, whose headdress would be standard except she is too excited to even keep it on without help.

Serbia. Did she make bouquets for the judges? What?

Miss U.S. Virgin Islands (I think), who stole Egypt’s best concept and then added a gladiator helmet so it would look like her own idea.

And even the gladiator helmet didn’t go over well with some people:

One of the few capes in the competition that isn’t Nonsense. However, the rest of it looks like they bought a “General Arousal” costume from the Happy Hubby Hideaway and then handed her an actual hand-forged sword with which to exact vengeance on her sworn enemy!:

Switzerland, Warrior Princess.

(I cracked up when I saw Switzerland, and will not pretend otherwise. )

Egypt, creatively bankrupt once the Gold Wings thing was taken, got so sad her armbands cried.

Peurto Rico is sympathetic.

Kazakhstan, who I hope did some neck-strengthening exercises prior to this. (Love the top of the dress, though.)

Dominican Republic. Uh…what?

Speaking of people who went to the Happy Hubby Hideaway, this is Albania’s national costume.

USA, showing how much worse the Wonder Woman redesign could have been.

Venezuela, who will be using that projectile to slice Miss USA open from soup to nuts for also going metallic.

You’ll notice that a lot of the costumes this year have trailing Nonsense Capes. This is hardly new to the pageant, but this year I’m pretty sure it was mandatory. Some of them were only told at the last second, so they had to rip up their own skirts just so they could have something to winsomely and/or sassily wave at the audience.

Honduras

Belgium. Oh, Belgium, Belgium, Belgium. Did you learn nothing from Ireland last year? You can’t wait until the night before to start your costume! People can tell!

Speaking of which: Ireland.

(I laughed. I don’t know what else to tell you.)

Slovak Republic, the first of many who sacrificed her skirts to the Nonsense Cape requirement.

Guyana

Hungary

Greece, who must be aware that she lucks out in this category every year, since she can wear a lovely chiton forever and just forget about it.

Mauritius

Lebanon, who looks like she’ll never find her way out of that thing.

Curacao, whose Nonsense Cape is actually interesting, and who might have won this category…

…except that Angola did it, too, and she’s going to ram those ovipositors right through anyone who gets in her way, so if Curacao has the sense God gave a waffle, she will withdraw from the Nonsense Cape category and take those bright red flowers off her head, because it just makes her easier to see.

The Czech Republic, expertly baffling me

Aruba, or as she’s known in Miss Universe costuming circles, The Canada of the South.

Speaking of people who did not even try, some of them just handed the whole thing over to Project Runway contestants, or asked their country’s representatives to just wear a prom dress they could modify with some craft supplies.

Colombia, who looks as though she had to hop on and off that stage with her legs pressed this tightly together to keep from getting disqualified on a panty-rules violation.

Ukraine. Austin Scarlett, you are remembered!

Singapore, member of the Homecoming Court

Is this popcorn, Argentina? I’m seriously asking.

“Oh shit, Miss Universe IS coming up! Quick, grab my quilting supplies!”

France is wearing an Eiffel Tower on top of her beret. (It’s to distract from the dress…I desperately hope. Not that it works – we see that Nonsense Cape, France!)

Norway, Harvest Ball Princess.

China, who had by favorite entry last year, completely dropping the ball.

Brazil, who got excited about the “craft supplies” part.

Croatia. LADIES, YOU CANNOT START THESE THE NIGHT BEFORE. HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY IT.

Botswana is so gorgeous I honestly didn’t even notice how her top is one string away from falling off. Then I did, and now I’m that mom who gasps every time a kid at the dive meet leaves the board, even though everyone is perfectly fine.

Turkey. Uh…what?

But of course, a few of these entries still managed to be awesome.

Korea, whose hanbok is so great I will overlook the Nonsense Cape attached to her hat.

Denmark. I am the only person in the world who liked Bjork’s swan dress. I am probably the only person in the world who likes this dress.

Malaysia. The costume here is not great. However, I think it must be suffering from Photo-Shoot Syndrome, since it looks awesome in this shot.

Ghana

You know what the national costume of Uruguay is? SOME COMFORTABLE PANTS.

I am not down with fur, but if I cover it up, the rest of this dress is lovely!

Ditto Canada, who at least tried this year.

India

Nigeria. I love both her national costume, and the look she’s giving the pit of photographers.

But my favorite this year actually follows all the rules instead of breaking them – and you know what, even with a Nonsense Cape AND Shit You Have to Carry, Thailand comes out of this thing looking like a stone-cold winner, doesn’t she?

Even though you are a year older now than when you started this post, this is not every national costume. Check them all out here.

However, sometimes you get an image that is so awesome you don’t even know what to do except blog it on Tumblr, and then immediately blog it on LJ.

(Click through for hi-res and source.)

This image brings joy to my heart, forever. (And also fear, because I will have to begin tracking down the ones I don’t recognize, which will cut into my catching-up-on-shows-I-don’t-have-time-to-watch time.)

1. Reference image for a story I’m working on; originally was used for a story I just finished, but this image had another purpose. (It’s a worker.)

2. If I am not writing a story about someone in a coat of some kind, then I am writing a story about a post-human singularity…in which robots wear coats.

3. This looks like a still from a fantastic movie. It is, in fact, a still from One Night with the King, which is an absolutely terrible movie you will be seeing more of shortly.

4. Ditto. This is from Bathory. Not pictured: Hans Matheson painting a portrait of a baby that’s been stored inside the block of ice. (Oh, it happens.)

5. This is a picture of a juggler. Technically, he’s from an Anthropologie catalog, and he’s probably just a juggler because Hans Matheson found another stand-in. In my imagination, he’s my imaginary circus boyfriend. His name is Ben. You will probably see him again.

6. The novel currently with my agent takes place in a river city. This picture was from , and the time between me seeing it and me right-click-saving cannot be measured with modern instruments.

7. My next novel is set in the 1920s. Researching dance crazes of the time is repellent, grueling work that I absolutely do not enjoy whatsoever, but it has to be done.

8. Because it’s never the wrong time to watch Gleaming the Cube.

9. Inception. I have a piece about this movie lined up for Tor.com; in the meantime, just know that Joseph Gordon-Levitt must have signed an extra wire-work clause or something.

The great ones are fantastically evocative and moving. The bad ones are hysterical.

Conveniently, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde is both!

Also apparently a little judgey!

The story is straightforward: Dr. Jekyll is virtuous and awesome. Then he goes overboard with the science and ends up as villainous stringy-haired Hyde, until the love of a beautiful maiden redeems him and he kills himself. Though the film has some fancy techniques, including a flashback to Ye Olde Italy, the strength here is the cast, which is 100% Grade-A veteran muggers.

As with most movies she was in, the best thing about this movie is Nita Naldi:

Her intro card. I kind of wish we could still get away with these. You got ten words of exposition right up front!

Unfortunately, with Nita they were a waste, since she did a pretty good job conveying “world-weary dance hall girl who faces her world alone” all by herself:

However, when she sees Handsome Barrymore, she perks right up and slithers on over to introduce herself.

The movie’s conceit is that this one moment is enough to make the engaged Jekyll want to separate himself into two personalities, purely so that one of them can make out with this chick. I buy this.

Sadly, it’s hard to mack on a lady when you are about 70% less handsome than the last time she saw you. (A+ Pained Expression, though, Nita!)

Even though Nita Naldi is the screen siren of my heart, Barrymore is no slouch in this, either. There’s a makeup change between Jekyll and Hyde, but Barrymore being Barrymore, the transformation is mostly attitudinal:

This is pretty much how all the Jekyll scenes go: thumping around, mugging into the camera, waving at hookers. Shine on, you hammy diamond.

Though my favorite scene is still the pervy old aristocrat at the opening dinner party, and John Barrymore’s priceless facial expressions as the morals are discussed.

Subtext: approved!

I am kidding. It was a disaster. This face says it all:

And when Kristin Stewart speaks for all of us, you know something is wrong.

It’s a sad, sad day.

The thing is, there wasn’t much that was particularly ugly or awful; it’s just that compared to last year, everything last night seemed so…similar; either you were in a pastel dress that was vaguely unflattering, or you were in a print that was vaguely unflattering. Well done, all!

Rose Above the Fray:

First off, my award for best-dressed of the night: Susan Geston.

You can’t see all the detail here, but it has several layers of netting, including one that stands out a little from the body. It’s age-appropriate and sophisticated while still looking funky, and she picked what looks like blue-opal jewelry that popped AND matched her eyes. She looked great.

I continue to think Amanda Seyfried is some sort of magnificent ice alien who left her home planet to come be in Nicholas Sparks adaptations here on Earth. She avoids peaches-and-cream syndrome by choosing cool, silver shades, and this green just barely avoids washing her out, like it just barely avoids looking like bubble wrap.

Helen Mirren, looking like a sparkly cloud, and Christopher Plummer, looking dapper. How much do I love that they came together to the event? I LOVE IT A LOT. (I LIKE MICHAEL FASSBENDER.)

Almost, Sorta:

Carey Mulligan, you wore the mullet of dresses, and I will never know why. In cocktail length this would have been adorable. PS, fire the person who told you to bleach out.

This is a dress you wear when you know you will be accepting an award. She looks horrifically uncomfortable in it, but you know, nice dress. (Gold lace is not my thing, but I love that she managed to wear such a skimpy top and not look like mutton-dressed-as-lamb OR like anyone else who has done sheer tops on the red carpet, so she gets a pass.)

I wish Zoë Kravitz had gone full-velvet in this thing, but if she wanted a flattering color on top, she got it, and if she wanted to get attention with the color-blocking, she got it. The lines are clean, and miraculously, so is her hem.

I wanted to like what she wore, whatever it was. Unfortunately, I think someone from my class wore this exact dress to the 10th-grade Winter Formal, and I didn’t like it then, and I don’t like it now.

Which is more than Meryl Streep can say. This one is so close to being lovely, but instead of drapey-goddess feel, it just looks like she bought it three sizes too big and forgot to get it taken in. Cinch an inch!

Anika Noni Rose looks a little like a Project Runway challenge where they have to use broken mirrors and an old mother-of-the-bride dress to create a red carpet look. But at least she looks like she won that challenge?

Sigourney Weaver, meanwhile, looks like she’s at a State dinner. She wore a version of this at the Emmys last year and looked amazing, so I’m not sure what happened, but it wasn’t good.

Kate Winslet, tired of pretending her ethereal dresses don’t have more internal architecture than St. Paul’s, just decides to wear the armor on the outside this year.

Rachel McAdams, you are JUST BARELY on this side of “motel bedspread.” You are lucky you are so polished here, is what I’m saying.

Elizabeth Banks (the poor man’s Rachel McAdams?) in the same bridesmaid colors everyone was wearing, but at least it was a flattering shade, has some interesting details, and had no slit. If it didn’t look like it was sliding off her boobs, we might have a winner.

Speaking of things sliding off her boobs:

Charlize. Dude. I can’t even begin with you.

I Just Want To Sit You Down and Ask Why:

The thing is, there’s nothing WRONG with Kristin Stewart’s dress. It’s just that her red-carpet history shows how much she likes funky, short dresses with colorblocking and studs and whatever else you wear when you’re young and mulleted, and here she’s clearly a hostage of some stylist.

Tina Fey: Flat-out hostage.

I was laughing with, not at, Zoë Saladana on this dress, until I realized it had a slit. Lady, if you cannot walk in your enormous Tribble dress, that is no one’s fault but your own.

But she was far from the only one who decided to show a little leg for no reason.

The Family Jewels: a Photo Essay

Anna Kendrick, I cannot believe you blew your awesome fuschia dress already and wore this ridiculous getup to the Oscars. I also cannot believe you chose a dress where the huge slit was accentuated with some Battenburg lace.

Deborah Ann Woll could do so much better than this dress, which washes her out, has a She-Ra belt in the middle, and an unflattering slit up one side. (Also, she should fire her hairdresser; no one should look at someone this beautiful and think, “Is her head really small? What’s going on?”

Technically, this is a gather and not a slit. But I didn’t want to create a whole “I Laughed Out Loud” category, so I put this here.

Wait, yes I do.

I Laughed Out Loud:

It’s a satin bedsheet with a tiara around it. I don’t even know what to say. I want to like it for being different, but in that color, the dress looks flat-out cheap. I mean, it looks like they didn’t even flatten the seams on this thing.

Look, full marks to Diane Kruger, because she took a chance. And that chance is ugly. Game played, game lost.

Vera Farmiga, here photographed being eaten by a sea anemone.

Virginia Madsen, ibid.

Maggie Gyllenhaal, landing on the other side of the “motel bedspread” line. The line is thin, but oh, it’s important.

And just an example of what’s missing from this year:

Cameron Diaz now:

Cameron Diaz in 2002:

I loved her in 2002. Sure, her hair was a mess and the outfit was a little weird, but it looked like she had put it together herself because she really liked it, and there was no one else on the carpet who would have worn it. I’m not endorsing the return of Uma Thurman’s milkmaid dress or anything, but when I saw this year’s picture of Cameron, it was a thumbnail, and until I clicked it I had no idea who it was, because it could have been almost anyone. Awkwaaaard.