So, the problem with a character like Sherlock Holmes is that you can, in theory, take any element of him and run with it until you have a two-hour movie. It’s just – it’s a plan. As evidenced above, it’s not a GOOD plan, but it’s a plan.

(Related: I didn’t remember that Sherlock Holmes dodged quite so many explosions. Learn something every day!)

Also, Rachel McAdams should be famous enough by now to be allowed to wear clothes in the preview, right?

It’s not even that I’m a purist – I thorougly enjoyed the remake with Rupert Everett and Ian Hart and Michael Fassbender and Perdita Weeks and Rachel Hurd-Wood in it. It was well-made, and it’s really useful for Awesome British Actor Camp bingo. But for real, even with all the liberties they took, there was not a lot of useless slow motion and running-from-explosions.

I know Guy Ritchie has a pretty small bag of tricks, but damn.

Lo, that was a serious con.

“Then I was all like, I’ll go to Comic Con Saturday, the busiest day, that’s not overwhelming or ill-advised whatsoever! Awesome!”
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From an announcement about a new Orlando Bloom movie:

Directed by Andrew Niccol, the film is set in a border town in the near future, but story details are vague. Bloom will play a man seeking to be the first person to cross a mysterious border. Cassel will play a border guard determined to stop him, and Kurylenko is simply “the female lead.”

Best summation of Hollywood I’ve seen in a long time.

…exactly as deep as a DVD.

I’m talking about The Fifth Element over at Tor.com today, because it’s usually the first movie I watch every year. Mainly because I love a sci-fi hero who’s like, “Can I get more roses on my black velvet jumpsuit? I just feel like right now it’s so….subdued.”

Then I watch movies all day long on January 1 because I’m 1) a movie nerd and 2) a big lump.

Probable choices:

Strange Days, though to be fair this usually has to happen on New Year’s Eve so you can watch in real time as Ralph Fiennes shoves his tongue against Angela Basset’s tonsils. (Not even kidding! It looks like that kiss from Top Secret when Val Kilmer sticks his tongue in his own cheek and rolls it around!) Plus, you can’t watch this movie in daylight; it shines through all the plot holes.

After Fifth Element, it’s Soapdish. Why? Because it’s two things I like: peppy, and cheap. Peppy and cheap.

Then Cold Comfort Farm, aka Awesome British Actor Camp, because it’s what I were always made for.

Once it’s dark (which is what, 3pm?) it’s THE WARRIORS OH MY GOD. I have purposely not watched this movie in three months to save it up for New Year’s, and I am more excited than a sixteen-year-old waiting for a Robert Pattinson poster signing at Hot Topic.

YOU GUYS, HAPPY NEW YEAR.

Earlier this week we had to go to The Mall to pick up a holiday gift item. While we were there, we passed Hot Topic, and there was no way I wasn’t going in there.

You guys, it was awfultastic. I lasted about forty-five seconds, and that was all I needed to see.

The good news is: if you didn’t think Christmas was good the first time, it’s never too late for a do-over as long as it’s Twilight stuff!

For The Special Girl in Your Viewfinder: a tee that tells her why you care enough to rent that cherry picker all the time.

For The Man You’ll Regret Marrying by the Time You’re Twenty: a pair of rings that reminds you of your place any time you feel like having an opinion.

For Your Child Who’s Probably Going to Resent You Anyway: might as well!

Yes, these are actual items. I don’t know what to tell you.

In better news, what I actually got for Christmas:

* A pair of loafers. They’re orthopedic. (What? Your arches aren’t gonna support themselves! See you when I’m eighty, suckers!)

My family is super pragmatic and tends to give totally unsurprising and useful gifts. My sister got a wind-up radio/flashing help signal for her trunk. It’s awesome.