‘Tis the season for unsolicited mail, and my yearly Barney’s catalog arrived today.

(If you have to ask if I actually buy things from Barney’s, this must be your first time to the blog. I think Target is highway robbery.)

This year’s theme is eco-friendly hippie (which is of course why they’re sending out expensive paper catalogs to people who can’t afford anything), but it means that I got to flip through it and laugh at all the over-size “organic’ sweaters you can just pick up from Goodwill for ten bucks, or buy at Barney’s for $1,695.

But there’s a point where you stop laughing, and that point was page 13.

We’re looking at the necklace on the left. Check out the copy:

That’s $588,235.

And it’s not on the site any more, as someone purchased it already. HAHAHAHAHA for fuck’s sake.

I love movies, you guys. (I don’t know if you knew that.) Almost as much as I love movies, I love the making of them. For me, the magic is enhanced, not ruined, by knowing how it was all done. Every time I have visited a movie or TV shoot, I marvel at how many people it takes for a two-person scene, how people deal with weather, how you can tell when an actor is good when the crew pays attention to the actor and not to their work. If you give me the six-disc DVD set with one hundred hours of on-set filming that includes lunch breaks and camera setup, and I’ll watch all hundred hours, twice. Minimum.

I seriously can’t get enough. I have a sneaking suspicion I’ll be working through this obsession the rest of my life.

I love it so much that I sat through fifteen minutes of filming footage of Twilight, in preparation for getting my nose broken next week.

Lights! Camera! Look dull and talentless! PERFECT.

Things I think are actually cool:

- The car scene being made up of teeny-tiny unrelated shots and Kristin Stewart miming distress like the bad guy just tied her to the train tracks.
- How close Robert Pattinson comes to crushing her skull on the pavement while trying to slide and take her down.
- The dude in the prom scene who’s slowly moving a huge lantern around them for Maximum Romance. (“That’s not a moon – it’s a battle station!” WHAT.)
- When they’re driving in the silver car and there’s the person kneeling outside the passenger side waving the little flap to make it look like they’re passing stuff. MOVIEMAKING.

Things I think are hilarious:

- Everyone discussing the shot/going through the take with the poor shirtless guy hanging from the rafters like, “Nnnnrrrgh! NRRRRGH.”
- The three bad vampires walking on the little people mover covered with leaves, and you hear the little “vrrrmmmmmm” of the engine.
- Kristen Stewart trying to act. SPEAK UP, GIRLY.
- The DIALOGUE. “No, you were across the parking lot.” “No I wasn’t.” “Yes you were.” “No I wasn’t.” Oh, epic romance! I get chills!

No, seriously, I think I’m going to be sick.

Things I don’t know:

- Did Robert Pattinson actually hackysack that apple? Was there a wire? He leapt over the truck, so maybe he’s coordinated! Who knows.

To conclude, a brief prayer:

Dear Lord, please let the screams of the little ones drown out my derisive laughter, so they discover me not and I am smote not. Amen.

1. A lot of 7-year-old boys dressed as Heath Ledger’s Joker. I am an old lady, I guess, but the idea that a lot of 7-year-old boys saw that movie sort of freaks me out. Go have a childhood, damn.

2. Best costume of the night: French-maid zombie fairy nurse. You stay decisive, young lady!