My recap of last weekend’s Kings is up at Tor.com, and I turned up the snark, because this show, for all its promise, has made the same missteps so repeatedly that I can no longer pretend it was just part of a growing narrative.

Firstly, David and Michelle. Apart, they’re boring. Together, they’re a level of boring that’s equivalent to a concussion. And it’s not enough that they’re infesting the present – they infested the flashbacks!

Worst of all, the flashback had Michelle almost die, AND THEN GETS BETTER.

Wrong, show. WRONG WRONG WRONG. Don’t tease me with something so great when I already know it doesn’t come true.

The only good thing about that entire subplot was watching two more kickass women run things: Queen Rose, and DEATH. HELL YES, SAFFRON BURROWS. YOU GET IT, GIRL. (Sorry, I’m always just so excited for her when she’s not in a movie about sharks.)

Also, as someone who routinely drops exposition three-quarters of the way through the story, these flashbacks still made me cringe, not because they introduced new information, but because the crux of why Silas is reacting to David the way he is lies in these flashbacks, which means that everything else he’s done about David for seven episodes is a song-and-dance routine that stems from a reveal that’s not even necessary, since we saw in the pilot that God favored David to be king. It’s not as if Silas is suddenly like, “Oh, shit, THAT guy?”

Though he should be, because holy mother, THAT guy?

On Tor.com today, I break down Brotherhood, the first of the back seven episodes that NBC is burning off.

There were some absolutely gorgeous moments this episode. They are really not messing around with the cinematography, or the score, both of which were movie-quality. Plus, I’m a total sucker for some symbolism. MORE CANDLES.

However, it seems like in the backlash of the “too little happening” complaints in the first few episodes, they’re now offering single-episode plot arcs, which is fine if you want to rid your city of a plague in twelve hours, but a little underinflated when you’re trying to establish the terror of a traitor within the King’s own circle.

The good news is that David and the king’s son are finally, FINALLY not at polar opposites any more, and while I have no illusions about Jack’s ability to fuck up almost anything he touches, at least his psychotic ADD attempts at obsessiveness are pointing in a Biblical direction, if you get me, and I think you do.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: this should have been on HBO. It has no place on a major network, which NBC figured out about three episodes too late.

Cast notes.

1. Uh, Thomasina? You out sick? Thomasina?

2. Oh, Wed Studi.

When I was fifteen, my French teacher lent me The Glass Virgin.

“You’ll appreciate this someday,” she said, pressing it into my hands.

I watched it, and promptly forgot most of it. I retained some vague memories of a dude slathering himself with a lady’s bathwater as a sign of love (no joke), and a spindly woman shouting “Manuel!” at the top of her lungs, but it vanished into my memory and became a soft, pulpy mess. Given how I usually cling to movie memories more than any memories of my actual life, this seemed strange; I decided it must not have been very good, and as the years passed I assumed my French teacher had simply been wrong.

A few weeks ago, a friend came to visit and handed me a DVD.

“You’ll appreciate this,” she said, pressing it into my hands.

It was The Moth. I watched it twice in one day, sat back, and realized what my teacher had meant.

They are pulpy, social-commentary, random-romance, varying-production-values crack, and they’re hysterical.

I am in the process of devouring all I can get my hands on, and will be reporting here, to make sure that no incorrect hoop skirt, longing glance, windswept vista, class struggle, cave dwelling, pointless romantic interest, interrupted molest attempt, bastard dad, random occupation, or illegitimate bairn gets lost in the shuffle. I can’t promise perfection, though, since it’s possible to watch some of these and feel like you missed a plot point, only to realize later there was no plot to begin with.

Despite her issues (and girl has issues), I think she occupies some strange, ever-shifting space between Dickens and Nora Roberts, where women try to fight a class system that oppresses them and keep falling on penises by mistake.

Join me tomorrow as I begin digging through the luster of Awesome British Actor Camp graduates, past the visible chemises, to the stinky, mushy pulp that pulses in the very core of these overblown dramas.

My recap of “Insurrection” is up at Tor.com.

Additional notes:

- This entire Biblical narrative is derailed if you don’t have Jonathan and David in league against the King. As this is just as compelling as any other antagonist/protagonist situation, the obvious conclusion is that NBC just can’t handle the dude love.

Let me tell you something, NBC: 1 Samuel is pretty rampant with Jonathan and David hanging out together in fields and caves and sharing clothing and loving each other like their own souls and shit. It’s canon. Ignore it as much as you want; I will still, eventually, just use all their declarations of love as pullquotes for the David and Michelle kissy parts. So there.

- I love the relationship between Queen Rose and King Silas. I am always a sucker for mature adults, and while this marriage is clearly political, there is a level of respect and affection there that makes their scenes really compelling. The fact that Rose knows about and accepts the mistress as a part of his life is really refreshing – and that she’s not pining about him is double refreshing. It’s not Self-Sacrificing-Spouse Syndrome (SSSS). It’s, “Shut up, go get laid, and come back here and govern like a normal human.” Nice.

- Re: above, the little scene where he says his valet should be “hung” for spilling coffee on him and she says, “Shirts are hung, valets are hanged” is my favorite bit in the episode – it references his temper, her protectiveness of her staff, her correcting his soldier’s grammar. (After she says, “Valets are hanged,” he mumbles “So are wives who correct their husbands,” clearly not meaning it, and I just want to smoosh their Barbies together.)

- Yay, the Reverend had a scene without the King in it!

- Yay, Wes Studi had a scene without the King in it!

- Yay, Thomasina had a scene without the King in it! Bonus: it was with a chick! Double bonus: neither of them is talking about romantic woes.

- Katrina Ghent. The actress doesn’t impress me so far, but that makes three women in this show who are over thirty and in positions of influence/power, which doesn’t happen much. LADIES, NOBODY DIE.

- Please never let that security guard subplot go anywhere romantic. She’s a mile out of his league and everyone knows it. (They are, however, growing on me, so long as you keep them to thirty seconds an episode.

- Seriously, does EVERYONE in David’s family have a concussion all the time?

Since the show has gone three episodes without totally imploding, I will be covering Kings for Tor.com! Expect recap snark, Bible quotes, and pining for Wes Studi.

A quick recap/intro post, “What can he have more but the kingdom?”, is live!

P.S. I’m functionally agnostic and a veteran of Catholic school. Cracking the Bible voluntarily is a scream. 1 Samuel is like, 10% David/Jonathan slash and 90% random people asking where David is because he’s hiding from the angry King. (He’s usually in nearby caves and/or weeds. Dude’s like a game of Duck Hunt.)