Let’s talk Kings. Last night there was an episode. The real title is lame, so we’ll just call it, “Nobody Actually Likes Ballet,” since it’s true, even if whiny Princess Waspmilla seems freaked out by the idea.

The show is getting better…ish, except it still has the magical ability to have 800 things happen and yet nothing moves forward. I really feel like this show is the television equivalent of a those lap-pool spas where you swim in place while the water jets just…push on you. Is it just me?

Things I liked:

- Queen Badass! She’s all, “Everyone loves ballet! I’m a patron of the arts! Oh, I’m sorry, what I meant was, I’m the patron of the art of kicking your ass so hard you’re coughing up boot. Also, ballet is for nerds.”
- The security nickname for her is Wedgewood. THUMBS UP.
- I really love the picture that’s coming to light, where he’s the power hungry soldier and she’s the one who knows how to actually construct a monarchy.
- I appreciate that she knows about the second family, because seriously, King McShane was not being discreet about that and there was no way she wouldn’t know.
- Anything about the kingdom outside of the palace. It’s painfully slow, but still, I know now that there are delis in Shiloh. Progress!
- THOMASINA. She is awesome, she is gorgeous, and she is subtle. Please don’t let her disappear like you disappeared Wes Studi, okay?
- Eamonn Walker continues to be too good for this show. At least all his scenes are with Ian McShane, so there’s some good acting going on. I routinely feel sorry for Ian McShane sharing scenes with David.
- No scenes with Ian McShane and David this week!

Things I did not like:

- No Wes Studi! So now that there’s peace, is he gone forever? Screw you, show! We want Studi!
- Jack’s cohort is so one-dimensional that her “acting” just comes off like a bad impression of Eliza Dushku, which I would have thought was impossible.
- Jack’s boyfriend was supposed to be heartrending, I guess, but all I could think about was how freaking indiscreet this kid was. Jack is the prince, and clearly, for the heir to the throne, gay is not okay – would you PLEASE stop wandering around shouting how much you love him? You’re going to get your ass assassinated, stupid.
- Princess Waspy, who has the strategic acumen of string cheese.
- And the acting ability of string cheese, while we’re at it. (Seriously, this fixation on getting girls who look like Seventeen cover models to be on TV instead of actual actresses means we’re in for a totally talentless generation, and this girl is just a harbinger of things to come.)
- DAVID. Oh, man, David.

Listen up, show. In the Bible, David was a totally power-hungry, charismatic shithead. He was not beloved of God because of his good heart, okay? The whole “beloved of God” thing happened because people who wrote the Bible had to make the dude look like something besides just a power-hungry, charismatic shithead. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, mind you. It’s what makes him interesting!

David as the good-hearted yokel is the opposite of interesting. I don’t want this guy to come to power. I don’t want this guy to come to BREAKFAST. Corrupt him soon, show, I am BEGGING you, or else hit him with a truck and let’s move on to any one of the much more interesting characters.

- Like Thomasina! Can we just have a Thomasina Show?
- OR WES STUDI.

Wes Studi welcomes you to this week’s Kings recap!

So, better than last week, only because it feels like the wheels are dropping moss and something’s revving up. Are there issues? Oh, Lord, yes.

Things I liked:

- Brief glimpses that Wes Studi is more than an order-relay ‘bot!
- David’s mom, who I fully expected to be a pilot-episode one-shot. I dig you, Mom! You manage to avoid your salt-of-the-earth line readings.
- The Queen, who’s marvelously ruthless without being the Evil Matriarch. Nice job.
- That it’s episode 2 and King Ian is already like, “KILL THAT BLONDE KID. NO WAIT, DON’T. WAIT, YES. WAIT, NO.” I sort of hope that every week he orders David’s death and keeps having to call it off and then Wes Studi finally just ignores the orders and it turns into this Odd Couple thing. (None of this will happen. Doesn’t stop me from dreaming.)
- Miguel Ferrer, who manages to bring intensity to a room full of sleeping actors. (Seriously, was he alone in that scene? It felt like it. Wake up, series regulars! It’s only the second episode; there’s a long way to go.)

Things I did not like:

- Dude, the Reverend shows up for one scene and it’s so he can tell David that when the same portentous phrase shows up multiple times that he might want to listen to it? I object on multiple grounds; firstly, this is all you can do with an actor of his caliber? Secondly, is David suffering from a concussion or something? He knows the butterfly story. Butterflies landed on his head. How fucking stupid is he?
- Seriously, David is dumber than a box of hair. So far his only MO is to run out in front of someone and be handsome until they give in. How long is that going to go on?
- Also, a dove got shot right in front of him and he has to look around blankly like he’s not sure what happened? You were IN THE ARMY. How is it hard to figure out that someone tried to SHOOT YOU. Someone slap this kid, seriously. (Note: if he actually figured out it was an assassination attempt, then this guy’s acting is at fault, because that was the blankest face I’ve seen in a loooong time, and I saw Dollhouse on Friday. OHSNAP.)
- I laughed out loud when King Ian was talking to his daughter like, “Do I need to remind you of your vow? You know, that vow you took? DO I? Well, I won’t, then!” I hope that happens all the time. “Do I need to remind you that you’re my brother? DO I? Well, then I won’t!”
- I hope it’s not a chastity vow (UGH), and instead is something awesome, like she pledged herself to a league of assassins and when she’s 21 they’re going to collect.
- Seriously, we had a two-hour pilot and a whole episode this week where the Reverend did not even appear outside the context of the palace. If this show is based on a Biblical story and he’s the head of what sounds like a very religious state, YOU HAVE TO SHOW US. I want scenes of HIM on TV. I want scenes of HIS followers.
- Instead of any of that, we get another episode of people running off to meet and/or hint at new characters. What the hell is this deposed-king-in-the-basement shit?
You have eight hundred characters already! Use them!

What’s the feeling? Better? Worse? Hilariously bad?

My review of “Subway” is up at Tor.com.

I direct your attention to three moments:

- The moment when an FBI agent doesn’t think “happenstance” is a real word. Actual quote: “Happenstance? Is that even a word?” Does she have a concussion or something? It does, however, explain a lot about why he’s always telling her what a microscope does.

- The moment with Dr. Rufus in the booth, which made me smile, because it was the first futile glimmering of personality we have seen from him. I already miss it, since I know it will never come again, because that’s just how this show is.

- This week’s single mother gets to live! She does, however, get a Silkwood shower courtesy of Dr. Rufus. Can’t win ‘em all, single ladies!

This is the runway version of Marisa Tomei’s dress from the Oscars:

And I stared at it for about thirty seconds before I finally figured out what it reminded me of!

It reminds me of a very sharp-edged and postmodern take on Mina’s red dinner dress from Dracula, which I saw recently at the Gothic exhibit at FIT.

Man, do I love pleats.

Disclaimer: I don’t care about Valentine’s Day except that it gives me a chance to make a list post. I am the Switzerland of Valentine’s day. (Unless people ask me if I’m excited for my “name day,” and then I sigh, because seriously, that joke was old in fourth grade, it’s old now.)

- Michael Fassbender. You inexplicably turn me all caps, big guy. Can’t wait to see you in your disastrous Wuthering Heights next year.

- Star Fleet wallets. I am the bird! (God, did I ever leave the house as an adolescent? Don’t answer that.)

- Family and friends. Dear Mom, I love you so much. Sorry I’m not changing my name. Apologize to Grandma for me.

- Fassbender, my portable computer. It allows me to be rude in public whenever I want.

- My TV. It took away the dialogue track for this week’s Eleventh Hour. It was amazing. Graeme Revell, one of my favorite composers, gave me a little concert, and I got to see the worst arch-enemy arc in recent memory. See for yourself at Tor.com!

ETA: And I never have to watch another episode of Dollhouse now that I turned in my opinion piece to Fantasy, which makes this day practically Thanksgiving!