So, last night some people talked about Kirk v. Every Other Captain Ever, for values of “every” that included “Picard and Adama, and also Janeway one time.” I wrote it up for Tor.com

I do think that the lack of discussion on some of the other captains was largely a time issue; if we’d had another hour, hopefully we’d have hit Sisko, Janeway, Archer, and Babylon 5. (And Farscape. And Galaxy Quest. And Farscape.*) However, it was really sad to see Sisko get handwaved away, half-jokingly, as “not even Trek.” I didn’t watch the show religiously or anything, and Picard’s my favorite captain, but damn, give a dude time to make a case for himself!

(You can ignore Archer if you want to. His theme song had lyrics. There’s no good can come from that.)

Anyway, by all means hop over to Tor and weigh in on your favorite overlooked starship captains, because even if you had a character named Tuvix, you deserve a day in the sun.**

* Seriously, the dynamics of a crew when there’s no clear captain and the ship pilots itself and is sentient enough to refuse some assignments as too dangerous? I’m in for that chat!

** I still think the Tuvix episode was awesome on paper. It just…Kate Mulgrew is not cut out for Captain’s Logs, and that guest star was cut out to chew scenery, and it just fell down on the job. Which, in fairness, can be said of the whole series. Amazing premise!…that fell down on the job.

Generally my music-scene knowledge is limited to movie-soundtrack composers, songs I hear on TV, and bands that were around when I was thirteen (Roxette 4ever!). However, once in a while I will see someone and think, “I must find out about this person AT ONCE.”

Her name is Lady Gaga, and she kicks everyone’s ass in this room.

This girl is awesome-slash-nuts-slash-a-total-social-construct. Also, she’s a stalagmite.

Lady Gaga is a 22-year-old (!) pop star, who got her start writing songs for the Pussycat Dolls and Britney Spears at some obscene age like 13. She got her own recording contract, and now has a Haus of Gaga that she’s modeled after Warhol, where everything from production to fashion design is apparently churned out by magical underage pixies who know how to make stalagmites stick to dresses.

Also, her songs are genius. They may not be good from the perspective of enduring history, but these are precision-tuned electropop that is tested by scientists to make sure it bores its way directly into your brain and remains their until you drip blood out of your eye like in a J-horror.

She’s too raunchy at times for my taste (I’m eighty-five, I think everyone’s too raunchy), but I do like that she seems totally in control of her own image. Everything about her is patently, gloriously false; you know you’re never getting to “the real” because she never presents it. She presents bows made out of hair and huge Grace Jones shoulder pads and face armor and masks made out of mirrors. (And that’s just Tuesday.) She says things in interviews like, “You can’t have love and art,” which is sort of sweet coming from a 22-year-old. But when you’re wearing the enormous black patent shoulder pads, it probably behooves you to seem self-confident and world-weary.

To conclude: I am not sure I even like Lady Gaga, but I can appreciate someone whose entire life is performance art. Especially when they’re in bows-out-of-hair and leotards and huge hoods and nude fishnets and five-inch heels, and I’m at home in my pajamas.

A glimpse of her aesthetic: this song, Poker Face, is 90% word salad, 20% teal Grace Jones leotards, 30% face armor, and 10% Great Danes.

New Watchmen photos are out, and I give Zack Snyder credit for doing his homework over on Tor.com.

Seriously, this is shaping up to be an aesthetically careful adaptation. However, I am (finally) beginning to worry that the movie will be too badass for the book. I mean, how much of this movie is gonna end up in slow motion? (My guess: 70%.)

Then I look at Veidt’s purple blazer and realize that everyone will look just as pathetic as they’re supposed to. (Where do you even FIND fabric that color? Damn.)

Also, seriously, too much Dr. Manhattan. I get it; he’s blue. Show me more Minutemen!

So at Tor.com today I’m talking about the new Watchmen portraits and what these might mean in terms of the adaptation from page to screen. The answer is mostly, “It looks good! TOO GOOD. Also, Laurie, go put on some pants. What are you, nine?”

However, anyone who has read an X-Men comic knows that Laurie got off easy. You know whose costume really sucked? Casablanca-records-sponsored mutant Dazzler! Who I hate. Let me show you why!

That’s not even why. That’s just how the poor thing looks.

Disclaimer: I am not well-versed on this; in a conversation about comics, I’m out-comic’ed in about two minutes. All I know is what I read as a thirteen-year-old, instead of leaving my room ever. That was mostly X-Men.

But seriously, Dazzler sucks.

She had her own miniseries back in the day, inexplicably called “Beauty and the Beast,” where she flipped out because of the pressures of fame and couldn’t control her power and had to go to Heartbreak Hotel (actual name) and attempt some mutant rehab. Meanwhile, Beast is all, “How about we go to the State Fair on Tuesday? I have my dad’s car for the weekend,” and she’s all, “I can’t believe that you, who are ugly, have more control than I, the beautiful one!”

You can start reading the synopsis of the series here, but I got acid flashbacks and had to stop.

The thing I most remember is her talking to the young girl who lives/works there, and finds out her mutant power is that she can change the color of a flower. Seeing this, Dazzler thinks, and I quote, “Hmm…makes sense that nature would have scattered a few lesser powers among all us big-time mutants,” which is pretty big talk for a woman whose power is basically to channel garage bands into the Fiesta Texas nightly laser show.

She sucks, is what I’m saying.

And what I’m really saying is, it never hurts to have good-looking costumes in your movie, but I have a sneaking hope that even in awesome latex costumes, everyone is still as lame as they should be. Right, Dazzler? (Oh yeah, I went there.)

I’ll be staring at these soothing fish instead.

Click to feed them; they also follow your cursor. They also put you into a dopamine stupor – just saying.