So, last night was the Oscars, that gleaming bastion of class and merit, where they will give a woman an Oscar for directing the best film of the year and then play “I am Woman” before throwing to commercial. In keeping with this grand tradition, Hollywood takes the opportunity to go all-out, lining up for the fashion police in a glittery, flawless parade.

I am kidding. It was a disaster. This face says it all:

And when Kristin Stewart speaks for all of us, you know something is wrong.

It’s a sad, sad day.
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Beware: Fassbender Syndrome below.

So, a few people have asked if I’ll be covering the red carpet for this year’s Oscars. Answer: As long as people are looking good and/or sartorially embarrassing themselves, I will be there. However, I’m probably not going to watch the telecast. Partly, this is because the Oscars are boring. But mostly this is because the Oscars are so out of control that watching the show is just painful.

Frankly, the Oscars lost me the year Cate Blanchett lost the Leading Actress Oscar to Gwyneth Paltrow. (Just look at that sentence! Say it out loud! Then realize WHAT ARE YOU EVEN SAYING RIGHT NOW.) Obviously the Oscars are overtly political, but I hadn’t realized that anyone in the Academy was actually willing to give Gwyneth Paltow an acting award under any circumstances, much less choose her on purpose while Cate Blanchett was in the same category. That’s just embarrassing.

This year, I’ve been spared the pain of watching the most deserving person lose an Oscar, because the most deserving person didn’t even get nominated. (New and different, at least!)

Sorry, Sam Rockwell.

When Moon came out, I loved it. I reviewed the movie positively, but there’s a reason I tagged it “Sam Rockwell Needs an Oscar.” He delivered the best acting of the year, and it’s a shame to see that he fell victim to the “only one newcomer every year in Best Leading” rule. They broke it for Best Actress, but apparently weren’t willing to do for Best Actor, too. I mean, I saw Up in the Air, and I think that George Clooney, as usual, delivered a great performance…that does not deserve an Oscar this year. Plus, George Clooney will get another shot at it (probably next year!); Sam Rockwell is generally a character actor, and might never again have a leading role this visible.

I’ve loved Sam Rockwell since he was in Lawn Dogs. I’ve only grown to love him more since then: In 1999 alone, he was in Midsummer Night’s Dream as a mechanical, The Green Mile as the worst person on the planet, and Galaxy Quest as Guy Fleegman. Anyone who aces all three of those knows what he’s doing, you know?

Obviously, people are ignored for exceptional work on a regular basis; that makes the world go ’round! But I was so thrilled after I saw Moon, because it was the kind of performance that wins Oscars, delivered so beautifully that it never occurred to me that he wouldn’t be on the ballot. Oh, well. Rockwell, you’re on the ballot of my heart.

ETA: From the “Not a Moment Too Soon” Files: Gwyneth Paltrow to play Marlene Dietrich. Hollywood, we JUST talked about this. Come on.

The movie-savvy have 21 seconds to understand why this movie makes me so sad. The casual movie- watcher will probably figure it out around 1:02.

Oh, MICHAEL FASSBENDER.

You were in Fish Tank, then you were in Hunger, and then someone said, “Have you seen that guy who made Doomsday is making a movie where those poor, put-upon Romans are violently attacked by those nasty, ungrateful Picts whose land they’re invading?”

And Michael Fassbender said, “I didn’t! Pass me the script!”

Dear Michael: I’m not mad, just disappointed. It has nothing to do with my expectations; you should expect more from yourself. And you should breath five times into someone’s airway if they’re unconscious before you start compressions. (I dunno, I sort of run out of motherly advice in a hurry.)

Wow, it’s been a long time since I visited a Catherine Cookson!

Ladies and gents, welcome to The Round Tower. It’s a sweet little romance about an upper-class girl, a middle-class boy, and the bairnsketball that comes between them!

The Round Tower probably Cookson’s most in-depth look at class differences in mid-century England and the turmoil caused by the idea of someone wanting to change their socio-economic strata through hard work. However, since most of those parts were filmed with the light from a single desk lamp, you can’t really tell.

It also has some of the skeeviest lines of any Cookson. Just…wow. This poor, poor young lady.

Vital Stats:

Era: 1950s. And 1960s. And maybe 1970s. Also maybe 2150. They’re in some time warp where they never age and yet five hundred years of the viewer’s lifetime pass before their eyes as they watch!
Heroine: Vanessa Ratcliffe.
Siblings that require looking-after: Nope!
Illegitimate (Self or sibling): She gets a bairnsketball thanks to her father’s skeevy friend. Does that count?
Asshole Father?: Oooh yeah.
Romantic interest(s): Angus Cotton, an employee of her dad’s who marries her to save her reputation.
Bairnsketballs: Check. Thanks, creepy neighbor!
Fistfights: I started counting, but gave up. I think this entire movie is one huge slapfight.
Assaults: On our characters, no. On our patience, yes.

“That was back when she was pure. Untouched.”

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Well well, looks like Michael Fassbender is moving up in the world now that the new Tarantino movie is out!

(717%, people. Either that movie was much, much better than it looked, or he was not popular at ALL before this.)

You go, dude; I hope this makes up for being ousted from Wuthering Heights because of the unforgivable decay time has visited upon your dessicated corpse.