So I wrote Fantasy’s Guide to Holiday Fashion as a spoof of all those horrible “Here are the best dresses for the party scene!” articles you see everywhere at the end of the year. Hint: I don’t go to parties. I don’t want dresses for imaginary parties. Show me pleats or keep it moving!

Entertainment Weekly, in an attempt to fill a slideshow quota, put up Five Movie Costumes That Could Hit The Costume Hall of Fame, which I am pretty sure does not actually exist. Also, they chose end-of-year party-type dresses that really makes this piece a “How to Dress for the Holidays” without really saying so. Also, I have some notes.

Their #1: Nicole Kidman’s cheongsam in Australia.

O RLY?
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The final poster of Twilight is up.

I much preferred the preview version:

I’ll say it now and I’ll say it every time this comes up: it looks like she carved a statue of him in shop class and she broke into the school at night and is pushing it out to her car so she can drive it home and pretend she’s slow-dancing with it.

I walked by a movie theatre this morning and realized how long it’s been since I went to the movies (which is for the best, since I tend to loathe people). But I had forgotten about movie posters!

As in, forgotten how hilarious they are, in one way or another. Let’s take a look at some movie posters!

We begin with an indie romp, clearly indicated by the presence of symbolically-colored umbrellas and Mark Ruffalo.
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It’s time for another Fun with Lobby Cards, wherein I take some promo photos from upcoming movies and try to guess what the hell the movie’s supposed to be about.

Last time, The Duchess of Langeais showed her true colors.

This time, we go into the future – the future… A.D.

Join me for a tour through this Vin Diesel / Michelle Yeoh / Gerard Depardieu / Charlotte Rampling gem.

“In the future, everyone lives in a 1998 Britney Spears video.”
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KGB last night was really interesting; horror is not my favorite genre (it raises my blood pressure, which really does not need to be raised any higher, trust me), but all four of last night’s stories were really well-crafted and read very well and was a great example of how horror can be deliciously creepy. Good stuff.

Then I had to run to tango, which meant no dinner. Next time!

This week’s movie obsession is The Duchess of Langeais, which looks to be awesome: both understated and over-the-top, two great tastes that taste great together.

However, I really want to ask the publicity department about some stuff, because judging from the pictures, this movie could be about ANYTHING. Observe the narrative I’ve had to cobble together myself based on the promotional stills:

This is the Duchess of Langeais. You know what she’s into?

Neon.

The Duchess of Langeais has one fatal flaw that sets her apart from French society; her love of neon can’t be contained! It’s ruined all her friendships except for the loyal Marquesse Jeweltone, who has done what many women have done before her and fucking flat-out refused to buy new clothes just because fashion says so. Marques Jeweltone has a bust just like these Empire dresses, and dammit, she’s gonna stomacher the shit out of it. 1778 for the win!

Our Duchess, however, is not so at peace with her decision. In fact, she hates herself for loving neon! She will go mad! There’s only one man she can turn to –

- master phrenologist Armand de Montriveau.

She begs him to make her forget her passion for pigment, her desire for dye! “I just want to wear white muslin like the other women!” she wails. Montriveau, clad in tasteful neutrals, tries to look like he doesn’t think this chick is bonkers.

Finally, at a loss to fix her cranial lobes, he tries to shake this madness out of her! (Please note: that pink outfit is at least three layers deep. That’s commitment.)

Sadly, it turns out that if you shake a woman in Regency France, some nuns lock you up.

As the poor Duchess realizes that she’s accepted white muslin one fashion era too late, and must now find it in her heart to dye all her new dresses black…

…Montriveaux breaks out of prison and heads for some hot nun/random guy threesome action.

Those French – always pushing the envelope on conventional narrative!