So, last night some people talked about Kirk v. Every Other Captain Ever, for values of “every” that included “Picard and Adama, and also Janeway one time.” I wrote it up for Tor.com

I do think that the lack of discussion on some of the other captains was largely a time issue; if we’d had another hour, hopefully we’d have hit Sisko, Janeway, Archer, and Babylon 5. (And Farscape. And Galaxy Quest. And Farscape.*) However, it was really sad to see Sisko get handwaved away, half-jokingly, as “not even Trek.” I didn’t watch the show religiously or anything, and Picard’s my favorite captain, but damn, give a dude time to make a case for himself!

(You can ignore Archer if you want to. His theme song had lyrics. There’s no good can come from that.)

Anyway, by all means hop over to Tor and weigh in on your favorite overlooked starship captains, because even if you had a character named Tuvix, you deserve a day in the sun.**

* Seriously, the dynamics of a crew when there’s no clear captain and the ship pilots itself and is sentient enough to refuse some assignments as too dangerous? I’m in for that chat!

** I still think the Tuvix episode was awesome on paper. It just…Kate Mulgrew is not cut out for Captain’s Logs, and that guest star was cut out to chew scenery, and it just fell down on the job. Which, in fairness, can be said of the whole series. Amazing premise!…that fell down on the job.

I walk through midtown twice a day, passing the Fendi store. The spring shop windows are out.

On the right hand side, a tea dress from 1915, from the Seduction exhibit at FIT.

From the Fendi Spring 2009 collection. I am on to you, fashion house! (And I approve!)

By the way, as is traditional after costume overposting, Darin Bradley gets to pick some super-macho topic next. Already covered: monster trucks.

Attention everyone who feels like howling with laughter tonight:

I’m just saying.

I will probably not be able to resist liveblogging some of this. If so, I’ll slap a cut up here to save people’s eyes.

9:05 Faye Dunaway is in this. She is attempting an accent; I’m guessing Cottonmouthian? (Faye, honey, was rent due? Tell me rent was due.)

9:10 This character’s name is Declan Fitzpatrick. That’s genius.

9:18 It would be awesome if this turned into some kind of J-horror and all the wind-moan sounds were from some girl trapped in a well or something.

9:20 Their copyright-free search engine is “WEB SEARCH.” They stole my idea!

9:38 Jerry goes for some supernatural help for the house, gets freaked out during a palm-reading, and leaves without asking for help for the house. I am not surprised his counterpart in the past met such an avoidable end.

9:42 The one next week has Ivan Sergei in it. Shame on you, Lifetime. You should know more than anyone that that man is danger! Tori asked to sleep with him, remember?

9:44 He asks her on a formal date. She changes from jeans and a black top into jeans and a grey top. When she comes out he whips off his sunglasses and gapes like the prom scene in an 80s movie.

9:51 He asks, “You want to get a cup of coffee?” They immediately have sex.

9:51 Oh my god, the bed spins. Oh, those poor actors.

10:00pm The heroine’s mother was a hooker? I don’t…really? (Also, she’s like, two years older than the heroine.)

10:15 My TV, in a desperate attempt to save me from myself, the move froze for two minutes.

10:15 Oh, Declan Fitzpatrick is the reincarnation of the woman. Dead Again: The Again-ening!

10:25 I thought the bad ye olde brother had a hooker in the living room. It’s supposed to be a brothel. My bad?

10:27 This movie is seriously people in the past doing interesting things, and people in the present just standing around slackjawed.

10:32 The junkie mom threatened to tell people Declan Fitzpatrick is a child molester, which will hurt his law practice day care center? I…wish the people from the past would come back.

10:41 The junkie mom is possessed by the evil ye olde brother and knocks Jerry down a flight of stairs. She speaks for us all, Declan Fitzpatrick!

10:42 Her: “Who did this?” Him: “Your mom.” APPLICABLE AT LAST.

10:50 Uh, thanks for that graphic screaming rape/murder scene, Lifetime! (I am not sure how this twist was a surprise to anyone, since it’s been obvious from flashback one, but okay.)

10:55 An athletic man gets his ass beat by a female, middle-aged drug addict, who is possessed by the spirit of ye olde bad brother, while the ghost of the evil mom looks on and the heroine rushes back to the scene of the crime as the wedding goes on downstairs and Faye Dunaway is wandering around being ominous. Dear movie, next time you could maybe front-load a little of this.

10:56 We have push-the-dagger-back-and-forth-itis!

11:00 Blah blah denoumentcakes. Jerry O’Connell, make a note: “fuhward” is not a word.

It’s airing again as of 11pm!

Over at Tor.com, I talk about one of the great movies of our time: Hackers.

By all means, head over there to read the column, in which I tried to keep it together. Because below this cut, I just nerd out ridiculously.

Hackers: when cargo pants were king.

There is no good and bad. There is only fun and boring.
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NBC is premiering their “New York is a kingdom! Also, have some Bible!” series, Kings, in about two weeks. I lay out the buzz over at Tor.com.

It’s based loosely on the Biblical story of the life of King David. I know a little about the life of King David, because I went to Catholic school on Monday nights after my secular school day. I would know more about the life of King David, but I got kicked out of CCD so often that I hardly had time to learn anything. It was fine, since I think I mostly missed out on coloring things and gluing cotton-ball sheep together to be lambs of the Lord. It went like this a lot:

[Genevieve is eight.]

Teacher: Let’s talk about King David. I hope everyone has read the story in their Children’s Bible? Good. Now, when David killed Goliath –
G: In the King James Bible in church it says that David put Bathsheba’s husband where he would be killed so David could marry her. Isn’t that a sin?
Teacher: Well, in the Children’s Bible –
G: Also he lay with her while she was married. Isn’t that –
Teacher: OUT IN THE HALL, MISS VALENTINE.

I was a little bastard, sure, but I still call shenanigans. They had the Bibles right out there in church! Mass lasted two hours; what else was I supposed to do but read up? Why is she getting angry with me for asking questions about the text? It is RIGHT THERE.*

I do want to see how the show handles things, and I’m wondering how much of the Bible stuff will be tweaked – will it end up super-religious? Will they use allusion? Will it be Verse-of-the-Week? I have no idea, because NBC is really not promoting it. We’ll find out in two weeks! Watch this space.

* Teacher: When Mary and Joseph married, they –
G: But Leviticus says that a man shouldn’t marry a whore, and Mary was pregnant and not married, so why –
Teacher: OUT IN THE HALL.