I’m using my Katrina Ghent face for this. She was sorely missed in this total stinkbomb of a finale. As usual, the official version is up at Tor.com.

A spoiler-free list of things I wish had been different:

- THE CHARACTERIZATION. The actual, official characterizations were perfectly good. However, every time the show needed a plot twist, someone would get amnesia or aphasia or a concussion and act like an idiot. That’s frustrating.

- THE PACE. Let’s not just drop things for weeks at a time, yeah? Also, maybe have a through-line with more suspense than “Will the King learn to hate David this week? Again?”

- THE WASTE. Let me get this straight; you have your lead character speak directly with Death – nay, have weirdly romantic tension with her – and you never follow up on that? Oh, Kings. Was Saffron Burrows REALLY so hard to schedule?

A spoiler-free list of things I loved:

- MOST OF THE CAST. Chris Egan and Girl Who Played Michelle can sit down. The rest of you get a round of applause. That was some top-notch acting, guys, don’t think I didn’t notice! Also, I hope that Susanna Thompson and Ian McShane get to work together again. I loved every time they had a scene together.

- THE MUSIC. Oh man, the music. NBC, I WANT A SOUNDTRACK. I am not kidding around. (The composter of Hannibal scored the pilot. I’m just saying, it’s nice stuff.)

- THE PRODUCTION DESIGN. Sometimes you may have been dumber than a sack of hair, but show, you looked good.

I have no hopes that this show will open the doors to better-quality television, or that this show will get picked up, or even that the next random-religious-allegory series will fare better than this one. This show tanked, flat-out. However, I appreciate NBC airing the full season for those of us who wanted to see it.

Now just hand over the soundtrack album and we can forget this whole thing.

So, Kings this week woke up, rolled over, and was like, “Shit, I’m late to finale!” and shoved three episodes’ worth of plot into this week’s episode.

Good news: this week’s episode was really exciting and featured some good acting! Bad news: we had to wait TEN EPISODES for this.

I wrote it up at Tor.com, and extra thoughts are under the cut as per usual.

David made facial expressions. I KNOW, RIGHT?
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Oh, KINGS. How can you look so pretty and manage so little?

I review this week’s Kings episode, “Javelin,” over at Tor.com. Before we jump cut, I just want to point out that Javelin is a reference to a Bible verse I used as a pullquote weeks ago, when I thought that plotline was really revving up. Oh, was I a fool!

Anyway, this week Kings takes to the courtroom. Below the cut, some stuff I didn’t mention in my review, none of which is about the Gilboan justice system. (David-based crimes are considered especially heinous. The elite prosecutors who fabricate these crimes are called Jack and Silas.)

CHUNG CHUNG.
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This is the face I was making all through Kings on Saturday. No longer was this just an example of a show that didn’t find its feet fast enough; it was an example of a show run by a pile of fresh produce, except that fresh produce has a better grasp of narrative arc.

When I wrote it up for Tor.com, I realized I didn’t even want to waste time with a plot recap, and instead made it a list of Five Things Not to Do in Episodic Television (or Ever). Because for real, when you have a minor character reappear after five episodes and pull a voiceover, nobody wants that, okay? Okay, show?

My recap of Kings’ latest episode, “Pilgrimage,” is up at Tor.com. I’m going to need to Photoshop Katrina’s face on top of Wes Studi or something in my little K Team icon, I like her that much.

Note: Chris Egan and whoever that disaster is who plays Michelle singlehandedly manage to sink the episode AGAIN, and it’s somehow WORSE when they’re apart than when they’re together, because at least when they’re together you know they’re not hurting anyone else. This week, it was David and Silas, so poor Ian McShane was having to act for two people, and Michelle managed to get a scene with almost everyone else, and suck equally in all of them. When the Queen and Katrina (or, later, Jack and Katrina) got scenes, I was thrilled. Finally, they’re free! For a few blessed minutes, they can act! ACT, my little ones! ACT.

I hope the casting director for this show is properly apologetic about this, because casting those two was a Serious Blunder.