My recap of last weekend’s Kings is up at Tor.com, and I turned up the snark, because this show, for all its promise, has made the same missteps so repeatedly that I can no longer pretend it was just part of a growing narrative.

Firstly, David and Michelle. Apart, they’re boring. Together, they’re a level of boring that’s equivalent to a concussion. And it’s not enough that they’re infesting the present – they infested the flashbacks!

Worst of all, the flashback had Michelle almost die, AND THEN GETS BETTER.

Wrong, show. WRONG WRONG WRONG. Don’t tease me with something so great when I already know it doesn’t come true.

The only good thing about that entire subplot was watching two more kickass women run things: Queen Rose, and DEATH. HELL YES, SAFFRON BURROWS. YOU GET IT, GIRL. (Sorry, I’m always just so excited for her when she’s not in a movie about sharks.)

Also, as someone who routinely drops exposition three-quarters of the way through the story, these flashbacks still made me cringe, not because they introduced new information, but because the crux of why Silas is reacting to David the way he is lies in these flashbacks, which means that everything else he’s done about David for seven episodes is a song-and-dance routine that stems from a reveal that’s not even necessary, since we saw in the pilot that God favored David to be king. It’s not as if Silas is suddenly like, “Oh, shit, THAT guy?”

Though he should be, because holy mother, THAT guy?

My recap of last weekend’s Kings is up at Tor.com, and I turned up the snark, because this show, for all its promise, has made the same missteps so repeatedly that I can no longer pretend it was just part of a growing narrative.

Firstly, David and Michelle. Apart, they’re boring. Together, they’re a level of boring that’s equivalent to a concussion. And it’s not enough that they’re infesting the present – they infested the flashbacks!

Worst of all, the flashback had Michelle almost die, AND THEN GETS BETTER.

Wrong, show. WRONG WRONG WRONG. Don’t tease me with something so great when I already know it doesn’t come true.

The only good thing about that entire subplot was watching two more kickass women run things: Queen Rose, and DEATH. HELL YES, SAFFRON BURROWS. YOU GET IT, GIRL. (Sorry, I’m always just so excited for her when she’s not in a movie about sharks.)

Also, as someone who routinely drops exposition three-quarters of the way through the story, these flashbacks still made me cringe, not because they introduced new information, but because the crux of why Silas is reacting to David the way he is lies in these flashbacks, which means that everything else he’s done about David for seven episodes is a song-and-dance routine that stems from a reveal that’s not even necessary, since we saw in the pilot that God favored David to be king. It’s not as if Silas is suddenly like, “Oh, shit, THAT guy?”

Though he should be, because holy mother, THAT guy?

On Tor.com today, I break down Brotherhood, the first of the back seven episodes that NBC is burning off.

There were some absolutely gorgeous moments this episode. They are really not messing around with the cinematography, or the score, both of which were movie-quality. Plus, I’m a total sucker for some symbolism. MORE CANDLES.

However, it seems like in the backlash of the “too little happening” complaints in the first few episodes, they’re now offering single-episode plot arcs, which is fine if you want to rid your city of a plague in twelve hours, but a little underinflated when you’re trying to establish the terror of a traitor within the King’s own circle.

The good news is that David and the king’s son are finally, FINALLY not at polar opposites any more, and while I have no illusions about Jack’s ability to fuck up almost anything he touches, at least his psychotic ADD attempts at obsessiveness are pointing in a Biblical direction, if you get me, and I think you do.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: this should have been on HBO. It has no place on a major network, which NBC figured out about three episodes too late.

Cast notes.

1. Uh, Thomasina? You out sick? Thomasina?

2. Oh, Wed Studi.

Man, I always want to slap an “e” in there. I have to stop myself every time.

This week, Kings hit the gas and delivered a great episode, which I talk about at Tor.com.

Not that it matters, since the show is cancelled so hard it’s basically cancelled twice, but it’s good to know that the writing team did have a plan for all those intro segments from the first two episodes.

I didn’t even care that we saw little of Eamonn Walker this week, or any Wes Studi (except that there’s never enough Wes Studi), because the plots they did push forward made sense and actually went somewhere, and most things related to the episode itself instead of some vague promise to mention it again four episodes from now, king-in-a-cave.

I still cringe every time David and Michelle have a scene together. She’s monstrously bad, and he’s little better. Watching Sebastian Stan try to boss, scheme against, and seduce Katrina Ghent was MAGNITUDES more interesting.

Let’s talk Katrina Ghent for a second. I love that the first attempt on her perceived sensuality was shot down like a paper plane in a glue fight (I don’t know what that means, I just said it). I love that she went behind Jack’s back after ONE DAY of working with him. I love that she erred on the side of compassion, and not because she’s a Compassionate Lady, but because the case just happened to strike her that way. Plus, it brings her a little closer to the king.

DAMN YOU, NBC. I would have paid good money to watch Katrina Ghent become Bathsheba or something by Season 4, but nooooooo!

Let’s talk Kings. Last night there was an episode. The real title is lame, so we’ll just call it, “Nobody Actually Likes Ballet,” since it’s true, even if whiny Princess Waspmilla seems freaked out by the idea.

The show is getting better…ish, except it still has the magical ability to have 800 things happen and yet nothing moves forward. I really feel like this show is the television equivalent of a those lap-pool spas where you swim in place while the water jets just…push on you. Is it just me?

Things I liked:

- Queen Badass! She’s all, “Everyone loves ballet! I’m a patron of the arts! Oh, I’m sorry, what I meant was, I’m the patron of the art of kicking your ass so hard you’re coughing up boot. Also, ballet is for nerds.”
- The security nickname for her is Wedgewood. THUMBS UP.
- I really love the picture that’s coming to light, where he’s the power hungry soldier and she’s the one who knows how to actually construct a monarchy.
- I appreciate that she knows about the second family, because seriously, King McShane was not being discreet about that and there was no way she wouldn’t know.
- Anything about the kingdom outside of the palace. It’s painfully slow, but still, I know now that there are delis in Shiloh. Progress!
- THOMASINA. She is awesome, she is gorgeous, and she is subtle. Please don’t let her disappear like you disappeared Wes Studi, okay?
- Eamonn Walker continues to be too good for this show. At least all his scenes are with Ian McShane, so there’s some good acting going on. I routinely feel sorry for Ian McShane sharing scenes with David.
- No scenes with Ian McShane and David this week!

Things I did not like:

- No Wes Studi! So now that there’s peace, is he gone forever? Screw you, show! We want Studi!
- Jack’s cohort is so one-dimensional that her “acting” just comes off like a bad impression of Eliza Dushku, which I would have thought was impossible.
- Jack’s boyfriend was supposed to be heartrending, I guess, but all I could think about was how freaking indiscreet this kid was. Jack is the prince, and clearly, for the heir to the throne, gay is not okay – would you PLEASE stop wandering around shouting how much you love him? You’re going to get your ass assassinated, stupid.
- Princess Waspy, who has the strategic acumen of string cheese.
- And the acting ability of string cheese, while we’re at it. (Seriously, this fixation on getting girls who look like Seventeen cover models to be on TV instead of actual actresses means we’re in for a totally talentless generation, and this girl is just a harbinger of things to come.)
- DAVID. Oh, man, David.

Listen up, show. In the Bible, David was a totally power-hungry, charismatic shithead. He was not beloved of God because of his good heart, okay? The whole “beloved of God” thing happened because people who wrote the Bible had to make the dude look like something besides just a power-hungry, charismatic shithead. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, mind you. It’s what makes him interesting!

David as the good-hearted yokel is the opposite of interesting. I don’t want this guy to come to power. I don’t want this guy to come to BREAKFAST. Corrupt him soon, show, I am BEGGING you, or else hit him with a truck and let’s move on to any one of the much more interesting characters.

- Like Thomasina! Can we just have a Thomasina Show?
- OR WES STUDI.