Legion, the seraphim suckfest that opened last weekend, is only the latest in a long line of horror films that take advantage of the Bible’s doom-and-gloom with varying degrees of success. Please note that the list is long and cheesy, and I am listing only a few.

Be warned: it’s a pretty safe bet that by the time you watch more than one of these, you’ll have seen more candlelit churches, actors on wires, menacing close-ups, and inexplicable hairstyles than any human was ever meant to see.

The Sentinel. Model Alison Parker moves into a new apartment building with a blind priest on the top floor. (To be fair, this is early in the genre, so Alison’s off the hook for not seeing the warning signs. Later folks have no excuses.) Alison eventually realizes that her landlord is the Catholic Church, and that her apartment building is the gateway to Hell (so it’s probably in Williamsburg), and that she’s next in line to become its guardian.

Horrors include: absentee landlords, the assembly of monsters without license, aggressive recruiting into the Catholic Church.

The Prophecy. One evil soul is somehow going to tip the balance between Heaven and Hell. The angel Simon is sent to collect it, but gets stymied by Gabriel, Angel of Scenery-Chewing, and eventually Lucifer himself has to get involved. Meanwhile, two dull humans wander around a half-abandoned school building and/or the desert, looking for something to do.

Horrors include: Repeated use of the rip-someone’s-heart-from-their-chest effect dummy, the knowledge that Christopher Walken would sign on to do this two more times, Eric Stoltz making out with a 12-year-old.

The Omen. Oh, kids these days.

Horrors include: a smug child, eerie soundtrack, intentional aggravation of baboons (who have enough problems).

Constantine. Demon-hunter John Constantine ends up having a really bad few days when cop Angela Dodson comes asking for her sister’s soul. Because Angela’s smoking hot, Constantine agrees to help, and visits Hell, fights the angel Gabriel, and gets his lung cancer torn from his chest by a Southern-fried Satan.

Horrors include: Keanu Reeves, Gavin Rossdale, knowing or valuing anything about the comic on which the movie is based.

Stigmata. Aethist Frankie gets a rosary souvenir from her mom, and finds herself coming down with bloody, strobe-filled stigmata. (Worst souvenir ever, Mom.) Hunky priest Gabriel Byrne is on the case, which turns out to be a totally-unexpected conspiracy that’s going to bring down the Catholic Church like whoa.

Horrors include: editing swathes of the movie like it’s a Sonic Youth video, internet-usage fouls, Patricia Arquette’s wardrobe.

It’s a Wonderful Life. I’m sorry, when an angel prevents you from killing yourself and then shows you terrifying visions of your miserable loved ones, that’s a horror movie.

Horrors include: the thwarting of free will, forced visions, the crushing responsibility of mankind to arm the wingless heavenly hosts.

End of Days. One child is somehow going to tip the balance between Heaven and Hell. This is bad news for the lady slated to bear this child with whichever minion can molest her first. Enter Arnold Schwarzenegger as a cop out to protect her, and Gabriel Byrne as a man who did not learn his lesson from the last religious-horror movie he was in.

Horrors include: the premise (seriously, Hollywood?), Arnold’s attempt at acting tortured, excessive devouring of scenery.

Legion.  One child is somehow going to tip the balance between Heaven and Hell. (That whole arrangement is seriously unstable, isn’t it?) Fallen angel Michael finds said gravid waitress at a scuzzy desert diner, hands out weaponry to the gathered B-listers to fight off the angel-possessed masses, and the fun begins! (That was sarcasm. No fun begins in this movie, ever.)

Horrors include: ceiling-crawling old ladies, implications to Paul Bettany’s career, ripping off every other movie on this list.

This list, of course, is only the beginning. What heavenly-horror made you swear off large candelabras, Gregorian chants, and walking past churches at night?

[This piece originally appeared on Tor.com.]

It’s based loosely on the Biblical story of the life of King David. I know a little about the life of King David, because I went to Catholic school on Monday nights after my secular school day. I would know more about the life of King David, but I got kicked out of CCD so often that I hardly had time to learn anything. It was fine, since I think I mostly missed out on coloring things and gluing cotton-ball sheep together to be lambs of the Lord. It went like this a lot:

[Genevieve is eight.]

Teacher: Let’s talk about King David. I hope everyone has read the story in their Children’s Bible? Good. Now, when David killed Goliath –
G: In the King James Bible in church it says that David put Bathsheba’s husband where he would be killed so David could marry her. Isn’t that a sin?
Teacher: Well, in the Children’s Bible –
G: Also he lay with her while she was married. Isn’t that –
Teacher: OUT IN THE HALL, MISS VALENTINE.

I was a little bastard, sure, but I still call shenanigans. They had the Bibles right out there in church! Mass lasted two hours; what else was I supposed to do but read up? Why is she getting angry with me for asking questions about the text? It is RIGHT THERE.*

I do want to see how the show handles things, and I’m wondering how much of the Bible stuff will be tweaked – will it end up super-religious? Will they use allusion? Will it be Verse-of-the-Week? I have no idea, because NBC is really not promoting it. We’ll find out in two weeks! Watch this space.

* Teacher: When Mary and Joseph married, they –
G: But Leviticus says that a man shouldn’t marry a whore, and Mary was pregnant and not married, so why –
Teacher: OUT IN THE HALL.