1. Directed by Karl Lagerfeld as a ten-minute advertisement for his clothes. He put it on the “interwebs” to catch the attention of young whippersnappers, apparently! AND IT WORKED.

2. “Who made that horror you’re wearing?”
“Poiret.”
“That doesn’t surprise me.”

Okay, this is a seriously catty and awesome fashion history in-joke. Chanel and Poiret were Not Fond of Each Other. (Stay coooooool boys!)

3. I am a sucker for silent films; all the Pre-Code nastiness and ridiculous visual metaphors and long, lingering close-ups of a woman talking for thirty seconds and then a single title card that says: “Until tonight, then.” I love it all. Lagerfeld might as well have projected this movie directly into my heart.

4. All the title cards are in French, with a tiny English subtitle at the very bottom. If you don’t speak conversational French, he doesn’t even want you buying his clothes.

5. The clothes. Oh man. It’s a great collection. Sometimes Chanel falls in love with some random celebrity and the whole line ends up looking like Nicole Kidman or Lindsay Lohan for two years, but sometimes Karl Largerfeld opens the doors of his workshop and it’s like unicorns pooped in there, it’s that great.

6. All the unpleasantness of World War I is neatly condensed into thirty seconds of old news footage that is placed so closely after the near-kiss fade to black that it might as well be a metaphor for sex. Which – is weird, Karl, seriously.

7. Dance scene! There are few things I love more in movies than a dance scene, when all the extras are trying to very casually waltz around and not look directly into the camera.

8. “Come and join us – I’m with the Duke of Winchester, he’s rich and not a poor émigré.” Because Karl wants you to know that no one in any of his movies would EVER have dinner with a poor émigré. Ugh, the poor – how disgusting.

9. The total fizzler of an ending. Oh, Karl, would you end your runway show with a business suit? No! You end it with a wedding dress! Come on, we’ve been over this!

10. “Dmitri, what do you think about Russian Constructivism?”
“Nothing.”
*enormous awkward silence*

Best movie dialogue ever committed to film? You tell me! (Hint: Yes. Yes, it is.)

Part 1:

Part 2:

I am not the world’s biggest fan of Westerns. I’ll tell you what I like: I like groups of people working together to fight some shit, and I like those people to be funny.

So, welcome to Silverado!

Silverado is about four awesome dudes: Emmet, out-for-justice guy; Jake, his batshit brother; Paden, the quiet gambler; and Danny Glover, the Best Son Ever. Together, they fight crime!

No, literally, they fight crime. On horses!

I welcome our heavenly horse-riding overlords!

There are two things this movie is: Sincere, and Satirical. Yes, both. Yes, at the same time. It’s just that awesome, okay?

Check out the cast: Scott Glenn, Kevin Kline, Kevin Costner, Danny Glover, John Cleese (what?), Linda Hunt, Brian Dennehy, Jeff Fahey, James Gammon, Rosanna Arquette (what?), Lynn Whitfield, and Jeff Goldblum (WHAT).

Scott feels the same way about the cast, but it works. (Also, I make this face a lot.)

Emmet and Paden are one of my favorite Old West pairs, up there with Sister Sara and Hogan and Butch and Sundance. Emmet’s younger brother Jake (the only time I could stand to watch Kevin Costner) is wild to the point of being truly batshit, and while Mal is a great guy, he’s not much for jokes. He’s more about getting corrupt cattle ranchers the fuck off his land already.

But Emmet and Paden? Oh man.

Emmet’s just out of jail serving time for killing a bad man, and now running from said man’s vengeful sons. Paden’s a gambler who believes stoically in the power of luck, and ends up tangling with his old hired-gun friends who are now the sort of corrupt public servants every Western needs. (Together, they fight crime!) They are two smart dudes, and their bromance is epic.

They each get a stab at romance, too, not that it works out. Emmett’s crush (Rosanna Arquette, what?) wants a dude who will stick it out on the land, and Emmet’s like, “Uh, peace.”

Meanwhile, Paden’s in love with bartender Stella (the amazing Linda Hunt), but they’re both too smart to get involved, especially when they’re borth under the watchful eye of corrupt sherriff Brian Dennehy (who it took me AGES to like after this because I saw this when I was ten and was convinced he was a bad guy for YEARS).

Threesies? You know they’re thinking about it.

Plus, the thing is just SO well-written. Sly, subtle humor (except when Kevin Costner’s around). Take this little bit when Emmet and Paden are mistaken for two wagon-train guides:

Hobart: Baxter! Hawley! Where the hell’ve you been? You’re late and I tell you, I don’t like it. It’s a bad start, boys. I got my people down there throwin’ snowballs and rarin’ to go.
Emmett: I’m afraid it is a bad start, friend, ’cause my name ain’t Baxter, he ain’t Hawley.
Hobart: You’re not Baxter?
Emmett: Name’s Emmett.
Hobart: You’re not Baxter either?
Paden: No, I’m not Hawley.

Kevin Kline’s delivery is fucking genius. Just trust me.

Also a favorite:

[Emmett talks about being ambushed by gunmen.]
Paden: They just jumped you out of the blue?
Emmett: I had to get up anyway.

Did I mention Jeff Goldblum’s in it?

Not like you could miss him, though, is it?

This is an old-school Western, and while it slightly tweaks some conventions of the genre, it’s a love letter to the open range.

I JUST LOVE IT, OKAY? I AM A NERD, WHAT CAN I DO, DAMN.

Have the main theme! I still do my Invisible Conductor whenever I hear it. Including right now.

No matter what your feelings are on next year’s Watchmen movie (and mine are mixed), this is a beautiful example of what editing and music can do to elevate a trailer. I had been underwhelmed by the previous iterations of the trailer to the point that I had decided not to see the movie. I mean, when your opening is Billy Crudup doing his Joaquin Phoenix impression for the first twenty seconds, you’re not really going to entice me into a theatre. Let’s just face it.

HOWEVER. I have watched this trailer a dozen times in the last two days. The song at the end, Muse’s “Take a Bow”, is expertly applied (MUCH better suited than the Smashing Pumpkins). The editing, even though it largely recycles from previous trailers, is so much better in this one that I didn’t realize until my second go-through I was watching the same shots.

What I’m saying is, it’s probably better than the movie’s going to be. Plus, you know, great example of a well-edited trailer, blah blah blah nerdcakes.

PS. My favorite part is her hair at the end. (Neeeerd.)

PPS. Except she turns clockwise, then starts running with her right side! It doesn’t make any physical sense, and it bugs me. A lot. Quantum people, totally fine. Turning clockwise and then running with your right leg? I don’t think so, young lady!

I love movies, you guys. (I don’t know if you knew that.) Almost as much as I love movies, I love the making of them. For me, the magic is enhanced, not ruined, by knowing how it was all done. Every time I have visited a movie or TV shoot, I marvel at how many people it takes for a two-person scene, how people deal with weather, how you can tell when an actor is good when the crew pays attention to the actor and not to their work. If you give me the six-disc DVD set with one hundred hours of on-set filming that includes lunch breaks and camera setup, and I’ll watch all hundred hours, twice. Minimum.

I seriously can’t get enough. I have a sneaking suspicion I’ll be working through this obsession the rest of my life.

I love it so much that I sat through fifteen minutes of filming footage of Twilight, in preparation for getting my nose broken next week.

Lights! Camera! Look dull and talentless! PERFECT.

Things I think are actually cool:

- The car scene being made up of teeny-tiny unrelated shots and Kristin Stewart miming distress like the bad guy just tied her to the train tracks.
- How close Robert Pattinson comes to crushing her skull on the pavement while trying to slide and take her down.
- The dude in the prom scene who’s slowly moving a huge lantern around them for Maximum Romance. (“That’s not a moon – it’s a battle station!” WHAT.)
- When they’re driving in the silver car and there’s the person kneeling outside the passenger side waving the little flap to make it look like they’re passing stuff. MOVIEMAKING.

Things I think are hilarious:

- Everyone discussing the shot/going through the take with the poor shirtless guy hanging from the rafters like, “Nnnnrrrgh! NRRRRGH.”
- The three bad vampires walking on the little people mover covered with leaves, and you hear the little “vrrrmmmmmm” of the engine.
- Kristen Stewart trying to act. SPEAK UP, GIRLY.
- The DIALOGUE. “No, you were across the parking lot.” “No I wasn’t.” “Yes you were.” “No I wasn’t.” Oh, epic romance! I get chills!

No, seriously, I think I’m going to be sick.

Things I don’t know:

- Did Robert Pattinson actually hackysack that apple? Was there a wire? He leapt over the truck, so maybe he’s coordinated! Who knows.

To conclude, a brief prayer:

Dear Lord, please let the screams of the little ones drown out my derisive laughter, so they discover me not and I am smote not. Amen.

You guys, I’ve discovered the best underground show of the season.

As Sartre would say, “Cette une programme obligatoire, comprendez-vous?”*

* Who has two thumbs, speaks limited French, and hasn’t cried once today? THIS MOI.