I began doing Abridged Classics: Movies in about Five Minutes for Defenestration, because sometimes the joy of bad movies cannot be textually rendered. Updates are infrequent and pixelated.

Pathfinder

Everyone loves a good yarn about Vikings and inexplicably childlike Native Americans and eyeballs flying all over the place, right? Remember that time Vikings almost wiped out all the Native Americans, except that other Viking was there to save them, even though he had been adopted by them and then outcast for no reason? Oh, Ye Olde Times!

It made no sense then, it makes no sense now.

Lorna Doone

Harvesting, bad acting, overacting, James McAvoy, harvesting, Hobbitting, Michael Kitchen, and harvesting. When I watched this movie, at one point I said, “This is the longest two hours of my life!” and realized it had only been half an hour. It’s one of those.

Il Fantasma dell’Opera

I saw a movie in which Julian Sands had sex with rats. No one believed me. I proved it.

Part One:

Part Two:

Part Three:

Becoming Jane

Because apparently the only thing Jane Austen needed to make her a good writer was some dude accosting her with porn in libraries.

The Tudors

If you put Jonathan Rhys-Meyers in a series where he plays the lusty Tudor king who asked about the calf muscles of the kings of rival nations, you’re asking for it. If you give me a gaypop cover of Alice Cooper’s “Poison,” you’re double-asking for it.

Equilibrium

I just wanted to record for posterity the only movie in which Sean Bean ever played a good guy.

Jude the Obscure

The movie that started it all; unavailable in the US (due to “excessive emo” regulations on imports), it tells the heartbreaking story of two people who can never be together because society and its pig hearts gets in the way.