Today at Tor.com, I point out that the geniuses at Universal who have decided to remake Videodrome apparently did not realize that Cronenberg had already taken care of it when he made eXistenZ.

For those who want to know more about eXistenZ – and you do! – the trailer is below. It’s hilariously over-explainy (IN A WORLD…), and doubly hilarious because even all this explaining takes care of maybe the first half hour of the movie, and everything after that is an idtastic free-for-all.

Fair warning: I get queasy every time I watch this movie, so if you have a tender tummy, think twice.

It’s the same old story (literally): Variety reports that Universal is lining up a remake of David Cronenberg’s cult classic Videodrome. Apparently, this new take will “modernize the concept, infuse it with the possibilities of nano-technology and blow it up into a large-scale sci-fi action thriller.”

I’m a movie purist, but the idea of this remake is, on the surface, not a bad one. The time is right for a movie about the power of increasingly-prevalent media, the insidious nature of a corporate overlord is always good for a laugh, and there’s never been a better time for an examination of the inevitable voyeurism attached to broadcasting other people’s suffering (just look at America’s Next Top Model). As unique as Videodrome is, a remake that incorporated the leaps of technological achievement and cultural shift since 1983 could be an interesting thought experiment. Of all Cronenberg’s movies, Videodrome is the one that could best adapt and withstand the contextual taffy-pull of a remake.

Which is why Cronenberg did it already.

eXistenZ, Cronenberg’s 1999 surrealfest, is a half-remake, half-sequel, full-on cultural heir to Videodrome.

Where Videodrome concentrated on the reality/unreality dichotomy of television, eXistenZ was a reaction to the rising internet and video-game culture. eXistenZ is as rife with hallucinatory unrealities and bizarre biology as any Videodrome fan could want, and Cronenberg managed to update the themes of Videodrome to suit the emerging technology of the culture in which each movie was made, while exploring a new facet of a world that seems both utterly foreign and frighteningly organic. (Get it? Because of all the body par—oh, never mind.)

eXistenZ might be Cronenberg’s version of an action remake, since there are scenes filmed outside, but even as game designer Allegra and marketer Ted slide back and forth from the game to the real world, Cronenberg keeps the focus claustrophobically tight.

This claustrophobia—the unrelenting grip of the visceral even in the midst of the utterly surreal—is an essential element of the world Cronenberg created with these films, and is why the movies remain two of the creepiest sci-fi films ever made. In Videodrome, it’s the horror of losing control of your own body. In eXistenZ, it’s the intimacy of sliding a biological entity into your spinal cord and entering a possibly-inescapable MMPOG. Best of luck to the “large-scale sci-fi action thriller” that tries to one-up meat VHS with CGI nanotech-cam and some explosions.

Aside from the casual blasphemy of someone telling David Cronenberg they can do it better, there is even less call for a remake in this case than in most others. So for those at Universal who are busily preparing the big 3-D biotelevision effects, or trying to write a script treatment that involves updated technology, internet culture, and overtsly sexual spinal plugins, listen: Cronenberg really did cover it already. Just…go home, Universal, okay? Relax; maybe watch a little Civic TV.

[This piece originally appeared on Tor.com.]

I have to admit that, after thinking about it a little, I was hard on Isabelle Fischel from The Dwelling Place. Sure, she was nuts, but let’s just review:

Wearing this dress meant slapping this thing on every day:

I KNOW, RIGHT?

First of all, this thing went on after you put on your shift (or chemise, in my tortured parlance), and beneath the waistband you can see the corset, which your internal organs probably just LOVED.

(ETA: I seriously cannot tell if this is a corded corset with the petticoat on top and some unholy undersleeves attached, or if this is a corded bodice with sleeves that went under the petticoat, and had a corset on top. I’m hoping it’s the corset with the busk and then the petticoat waistband going over, because heaven bless that woman if she had something laced up OVER this shit.)

Now then! The horizontal lines in the skirt are pieces of rope shoved through channels sewn into the petticoat. Later, these would turn into hoops, which is nice for ladies, since I can only imagine what it feels like to drag, oh, fifty yards of rope with you wherever you go? Maybe more; the circumference of the skirt is probably five to six feet, and there are how many channels in that thing? (Uh, P.S., how hilarious was it that people claimed women were the weaker sex? Just saying.)

Below left, a close up of the the UFO sleeves, which are wired for horizontal support, since you had another yard of fabric in each dress sleeve. (Seriously, the 1830s just could not have been uglier. I’m not fan of the 1860s superhoops or anything, but at least by then they had stopped sticking hot air balloons on their shoulders.)

Below right, the busk! At this point in history they were made of wood, bone, or ivory, and you basically shoved it into your corset as a front spine to keep you from collapsing under the weight of your own clothes. Have fun!

Heaven knows the clothing of the 1830s would drive me up the wall. If I had to wear it, I too would be riding around the countryside with my rifle shooting anyone who looked remotely comfortable in their clothes. So, you know, point to Isabelle.

This week, I tackle the seemingly endless and screamingly worst of all the Cookson adaptations I have seen, The Dwelling Place.

Brief note about the Experience: I don’t think I’ll be recapping each one. Some of these are deadly dull stuff. However, I’m starting out with some of the really terrible ones to build appreciation for the ones that aren’t so bad. It’s like Stockholm Syndrome involving overwrought, cheaply-made period dramas of the 90s. By the time I hit The Wingless Bird, you’ll think I’m screencapping Citizen Kane.

So, The Dwelling Place is about the fiercely beautiful and clever Cissie Brodie, who marries her rapist.

I’d like to say this is an unusual screencap, but it’s not. We just sort of have to take the movie’s word for it that she’s smart and pretty, since she spends most of the movie staring blankly into space and marrying rapists.

Anyway, after her parents’ death, Cissie packs up her passel of brothers and sisters and moves them all into a cave to prevent them having to go into the workhouse. Life sucks, and then it sucks more when the lord’s son rapes her and she comes down with a case of bairnsketball. It’s a searing commentary about the plight of the poor! Also, Cissie marries her rapist.

Era: 1830s
Heroine: Cissie Brodie, hardscrabble young lady who marries her rapist.
Siblings that require looking-after: Innumerable downtrodden siblings played by varyingly-talented child actors.
Illegitimate (Self or sibling): Her bairnsketball.
Asshole Father?: Check!
Romantic interest(s): Matthew Turnbull, the local carpenter; Clive Fischel, rapist.
Bairnsketballs: Oh, is there ever.
Fistfights: Does it count as a fistfight if you shoot your own sister?
Assaults: One rape, by a man she MARRIES LATER. OH MY GOD.

“Maybe if our Joe hadn’t set a trap for the rabbit…”
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My review of the apparent season finale of Eleventh Hour’s first season, “Medea,” is up at Tor.com.

I thought it couldn’t possibly be the season ender, and then they started a new somethingsomething-week series in its time slot, so I guess that WAS the season ender and Eleventh Hour decided to go out with an episode that did not even have a science crime. It was a kidnapping. Period. Also, Agent Marley got shot in the ass with an arrow. Way to wrap it up with a bang, show!

Also, that was the picture released as promo for the season finale. They might as well have captioned it, “Dr. Rufus Sewell and The Great Googly must solve a kidnapping and rescue Agent Marley.”

For the next season of this show, here’s what I would like to see:

- A show that does not suck.

Think about that over the summer, okay, writers? I mean, either you go all the way with the frozen head thing and make this show the best camp on television, or you develop some actual characters over the break so that science crime is explored, not just solved. For you guys, maybe the frozen head thing is best.